Who Comes First?

You love your husband and you love your baby, but which is the higher priority? It seems that a lot of women, upon becomming mothers, lose track of the "wife" role. Many would even say kids should be more important than the husband. My advice is to avoid that mindset.

You had a husband before you had children, and someday when those kids leave the nest, it will be you and him again. He is your partner for life. Loving and caring for him ought to be a higher priority than loving and caring for your kids. How does it benefit you and your husband?

(1) You will feel loved and treasured just for who you are, rather than for all the needs you meet. Kids need a lot. The love they give is different, and more immature than the love husbands give.

(2) Your kids won't be able to manipulate you. Have you ever heard a toddler or teenager yell to Mom or Dad "I hate you!"? If that relationship is your deepest satisfaction in life, that statement will have more power than it should.

(2) When the kids are grown and gone, your life's significance won't leave with them. What a wonderful thing it is to make life sweet for your husband and to have more than 18 years to do it!

Now that isn't to say that loving the kiddos isn't pretty important too! They're actually best served when Mom and Dad's love for each other comes first, though. Here are some ways kids benefit from being Mom and Dad's second priority:

(1) They'll have a Mommy and Daddy who stay together. When Mom puts the kids ahead of Dad and Dad looks elsewhere for the attention he needs, divorce isn't far behind.

(2) They'll have a good model for their own marriages. It will be a joy to watch them form and live in healthy families of their own.

(3) They'll have freedom to leave the nest without guilt. It's not uncommon for youngest children to have anxiety and guilt when they go to school for the first time because they feel like they're abandoning Mommy. Knowing Daddy is enough for Mommy gives kids the freedom to spread their wings.

Babywise has a good suggestion of how to communicate your top relational priority to your kids. It's called "couch time." They suggest that after greating the kids, Dad and Mom spend 15 minutes or so on the couch catching up about the day without interruptions. It's important to spend this visable time making your relationship a priority when kids are awake and can see. It's good for them to know that Dad and Mom will be available for them after they've had their time to catch up.

RESOURCES

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

Babywise