Write it Down

Parenting is a big task.  There won't be a 'finished product' for a few years yet.  How are you doing?  It's hard to say a lot of the time, isn't it?  In the midst of enforcing the rules, making meals, feeding, cleaning, wiping, loving, putting down for naps, supervising play, and all the rest it can be hard to really know how things are going.  There aren't any performance reviews.  While no one is asking you to write things down, it can really help in a lot of ways;

1.  Goals:  

My husband is always making and evaluating goals in his corporate job.  When we got married he wanted to make goals for our first year of marriage and I thought it seemed a little silly... but then when the year was over and we looked them over, it was really nice to be able to see how we had focused our energies on certain areas.  We had achieved a fair number of our goals, and our lives were moving along the way we hoped.  I know you can't control life by setting goals, but it can help you focus your energy on what's important to you rather than just floating along letting life happen to you.



2.  Daily Routine:


It's common knowledge that kids thrive on routine, with events like meals and naps happening at the same times everyday.  My son was on a consistent Babywise eat-wake-sleep schedule as a baby which gradually stretched from every 3 hours at birth to every 4 (and longer at night, thankfully!).  As a baby, that was really all the routine he needed.

Now, as a 1 year old, that 'wake' period is much longer and I want to fill it with activities that reinforce my parenting goals.  I wanted to make sure we had time for independent play, blanket time, potty practice, active play, and reading each day.  So I wrote up a routine that I thought would work for us ... and then tweaked it a bit to find something that really did work.  Then I put the revised version up on the fridge to remind me.  I am now much more consistent with making sure those activities happen each day, and my son knows what to expect when.

I've also read in Ask Supernanny that older kids will begin to refer to the schedule too and even start to set the table when meals are coming up.  So this is a practice I want to keep up as our family grows!

3.  Rules:


Since our son is still pretty young, our rules are pretty simple (don't touch electrical cords, don't drop food, stay off the stairs etc.), but it's good for my husband and I to be on the same page about them.  For example, I do not let my son play in the refrigerator.  It is a 'no.'  He often hangs out in the kitchen with me and it would be a pain to have to keep pulling him away from it.  He points and looks wistfully at the fridge, but doesn't bother it.  Now when my husband came home from work one day and let our son play in there (supervised) because it was so cute, we really didn't have consistency and I had to work a little harder on being the fridge guard for a few days.  We got some cute pictures and it wasn't a big deal, but there were some complications.

I imagine as our son's memory grows, consistency will become even more important.  I am planning to write up some rules and post them in a visible location when our son gets older.  That will make things easier for babysitters, as well as for my son and me.

4.  Memories:


Everyone tells new parents how fast time flies... and now that our son is a year old and I look back over his baby pictures, I believe them!  His baby book thankfully had lots of lines for recording his firsts as well as my own thoughts and his baby stories.  I know this will be valuable to me as he grows, and hopefully he will value it too.  I imagine it is harder to write down as much for kids who aren't the first-born, but it's probably worth it to make it a priority.  If we don't record their childhood moments, it will be gone.  Those memories help me see how far I've come.

So grab a pencil and some paper and write stuff down!

RESOURCES
On Becoming Baby Wise: The Classic Sleep Reference Guide Used by Over 1,000,000 Parents Worldwide
Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know

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Surfing the Sleep Wave

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originally uploaded by Hamed Saber

Good sleep is a lot like surfing. Really. Several biological rhythms work together to help us (and our babies!) fall asleep. There are rising and falling temperatures, as well as melatonin and cortisol level cycles.  We want to catch the rising "sleep wave" before it begins to crash into a fussy, overtired baby.

According to Dr. Weissbluth in Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, when we time our childrens' naps and night sleep when all three of these cycles are at the right point, good quality sleep will come easily.  This is when the child is beginning to lose steam, but before he catches his "second wind."


I had a recent experience that illustrates the most common problem parents have with riding the "sleep wave" very clearly. Our 10-month-old son is getting more active and alert and toddler-like all the time. That means that he can handle longer times of wakefulness before he needs a nap. I, however, made the classic mistake of pushing the naps back too far.

At first, he seemed able to cope quite well. He was still napping about 1.5 hours twice a day and sleeping nearly 12 hours at night. This was less sleep than before, but I figured he was growing up. But over the course of a week or two, he became fussier and more "wound up" at naptime. It took him longer to fall asleep and his naps became far too short. This is not fun for mom or baby, let me tell you!

So yesterday, as I was reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" it dawned on me that I had created this problem. But adding just a little too much wake time, I had robbed my sleepy boy of his much-needed rest. So I moved up his afternoon nap by an hour and he took a gigantic 3.5 hour nap. He must have had a lot of catching up to do!

Today we are back to slightly earlier nap times and so far, pretty solid sleep. Maybe I'll surf the nap wave myself...

RESOURCES
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

What Linus Really Needed

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originally uploaded by cplbasilisk

I never really contemplated Linus much until I read Dr. Wilkoff's book Is My Child Overtired? in which he explains this little boy in details that ring very true to my "mommy instincts." It's pretty simple really: He needs a nap.

In fact, if we parents aren't careful with how our little ones are allowed to use their blankies or other security objects, they could end up like Linus: napless too soon. Here's how Dr. Wilkoff recommends security objects should be used:

-It lives in the bed. When a child wants his security object, it is usually a sign that he is tired and needs to rest. If the object lives in the bed, he will form the association between that tired I-want-my-blankie feeling and his bed, where he sleeps.



-He can have it whenever he wants. So if he got hurt or disappointed and wants the comfort, it's still available. He's just got to hang out on his bed for a while.

-Take it with you when you expect him to sleep away from home. A long car ride or overnight at Grandma's are great exceptions to the "it lives in the bed" rule.

-Take it with you to traumatic places. If your baby needs to have a shot, it's not a bad idea to bring along the comforting blankie, but keep it hidden away in his diaper bag until he needs it.

When kids are allowed to carry their security objects everywhere with them, they are likely to give up their naps early. The child's desire for his security object is a sign for parents that their child is tired. It's also a great tool in meeting your child's sleep need.

RESOURCES
Is My Child Overtired?: The Sleep Solution for Raising Happier, Healthier Children

Sample Baby Schedules

Whether you're loose or strict about the routine in Baby's day, it is helpful to have some idea of what comes next. It helps the new Mommy decipher Baby's cries and gives Baby security to know what comes next. It also gives Baby a foundation into which he can assimilate new discoveries about life. Mom has the ability to plan her errands at a time when Baby will be happy and can look forward to regular naps for her own down time.

Here is our our son's schedule has looked at different ages:

Home from the hospital
We followed a 3 hour schedule from the get-go. That's what they do for babies in the NICU for even the tiny babies with tiny tummies so I felt sure he would get enough to eat. Our son was so sleepy, I woke him up to feed him almost every time.

• 6am-wake, nurse
  
• 6:40am-nap
  
• 9am-nurse
  
• 10am-nap
  
• 12pm-nurse
  
• 1pm-nap
  
• 3pm-nurse
  
• 4pm-nap
  
• 6pm-nurse
  
• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 9pm-nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 12am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 3am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  

One Middle-of-the-Night feeding (6-9 weeks for us)
The "by the book" way to do this is to simply let baby sleep as long as he will after the 9pm dreamfeed. We found that our son would still wake up twice at night if we did that. Instead, I woke him again at midnight and then he slept until morning (or very close to it).

• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 9pm-nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 12am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 5-6am-wake, nurse
  
• 1 hour later-nap until 9am
  

Sleeping Through the Night (12 weeks for us)
Once our son began to sleep until 6am solidly from his 12am feeding, I began to move it earlier by 15 minute increments and dropped it over the course of a few weeks.

• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 10/10:30pm - nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 6am-wake, nurse
  

3.5 Hour Schedule (3-5 months)
The next goal was a longer time between feedings during the day. When I began consistently having to wake our son from his daytime naps to feed him, I knew it was time to stretch out the day. This overlapped with dropping the one middle-of-the-night feeding from the last phase as well. During this phase, afternoon and evening wake times began to stretch a little as well. 4 months is a time of transition!

• 6am-wake, nurse
  
• 7am-nap
  
• 9:30am-nurse
  
• 10:30am-nap
  
• 1pm-nurse
  
• 2:15pm-nap
  
• 4:30pm-nurse
  
• 5:45pm-nap
  
• 7:30pm-nurse
  
• 8:15-bedtime
  
• 10:30-dreamfeed
  

4 Hour Schedule (6-9 months)
This is another time of great transition. Wake times moved to 2 hours each. The two afternoon feedings (1pm and 4:30pm) were combined for dinner, lunch (9:30am) moved back, and we dropped the dreamfeed. Also, with the three main meals of the day, we began solids. When it was all said and done, a rather more solid schedule was formed:

• 7am-wake, nurse (breakfast)
  
• 9am-nap
  
• 11am-nurse (lunch)
  
• 1pm-nap
  
• 3pm-nurse
  
• 5:15pm-catnap
  
• 6:00pm-dinner (solids only)
  
• 7:00pm-nurse/bedtime
  

So now we have only thee naps (sometimes two if the first two are really long) and nighttime sleep is a solid 12 hours. Although every day doesn't got exactly according to plan and there have been issues to work through at every step, I have really appreciated knowing what to work towards. Both my son and I have thrived on our schedule.

RESOURCES
On Becoming Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

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When Momma's Happy...

Ahh... everybody's happy.

As the heart of her home, Mom is the emotional center. Whether they know it or not, others in the house take their emotional cues from Mom.

There is a particularly strong emotional link between Mom and Baby. Studies have shown that babies of mothers with postpartum depression don't smile or coo as much as other babies. A calm mom is much better able to calm her baby, and a frazzled mom is likely to
stress Baby out.

I have found that I need to watch myself when big events come. Being a planner, I tend to worry about when, where, and how much our son will sleep. I worry during my sister's wedding, when a weekend away approaches, or as I plan a holiday celebration. Our son tends to pick up on my agitation and his naps are poor before the event. I have been better able to relax during the event itself and he does remarkably well with his sleep and attitude in general while things are going on.

With a baby, motherly worry seems to be a self-fufilling prophecy. Sometimes there are circumstances that make it tougher for Baby to get his naps and be cheerful, but Mom's worry only makes that worse. Social events can be a joy when we relax and enjoy them!

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer
Babywise

Photo originally uploaded by 'Playingwithbrushes'
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Sleeping Away from Home

Depending on the kind of parent you are, Baby may be quite accustomed to taking naps away from home. I'm not much of a gad-about so this doesn't happen a lot for my son. He usually does well when we're at Grandma's or in a hotel, though. When the holidays come, Baby's naps will almost assuredly have to be a little flexible. So if he isn't used to it, here are some tips that can help.

*Darken the room: There will be lots of new things to look at so the less Baby can see them the better. At my mom's house, our son sleeps in their pitch black walk in closet and takes better naps than at home.

*White noise: You can turn on a fan, tune the radio to static, or buy a white noise machine. I have found this to be a great help when Baby needs to nap in a noisy house (ours or someone else's).

*bBlankets draped over the crib: Draping blankets from home over the sides of the crib can help Baby feel safe. It also contributes to darkness and blocks the distraction of looking around the room.

*Wind down away from people: In a crowded house, a baby can get kind of wound up with all the stimulation. Ten or 15 minutes before bedtime in a room alone with Mom can go a long way towards helping Baby wind down for sleep. I find that if I don't do this with our son, he has a hard time getting to sleep.

*Relax: Don't expect things to go perfectly for Baby. They probably won't and it's better to enjoy the holiday anyway. Naps might be shorter, interruptions are likely, and it can be hard to convince Aunt Sue that the Baby really does need a nap. Do the best you can and get back to the routine when you get home.

RESOURCES
On the Go with Baby
Babywise

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Overtired or Undertired?

As mothers, we become scientists of our babies' sleep needs.  If a nap didn't go well, we want to know why.  Two common answers to why a nap doesn't happen are (1) putting Baby down too soon and (2) putting Baby down too late.  How can we tell the difference?  Here are some signs I've discovered of over-tiredness and under-tiredness:


Over-Tired Signs:
*Baby was yawning or rubbing his face earlier and no longer is.
*He doesn't seem to be happy no matter what you do.
*He seems overly energetic, almost frantic.
*He cries when you begin your wind down routine.
*When you put him down for a nap he cries hard almost like he's in pain.
*He suddenly falls asleep after his cries crescendo to a hard cry.
*Baby needs a car ride or the sound of the dryer to fall asleep.
*He only sleeps 30-45 minutes before waking.
*This is most common with young babies because they need a lot of sleep.


How to keep it from happening:
*Cut back on wake-time by 15 minute increments until naps lengthen and come with less tears.
*Put young babies (up to 4 months old) down at the first yawn.
*Use the "shush-pat" to help a young baby forget everything else and fall asleep.
*Make wake-time less stimulating.  It really doesn't take much to entertain a baby.


Under-Tired Signs:
*Baby seems fidgety while you do the wind down routine.
*When you lay him in the crib, he plays rather than falling asleep.
*Playing more than 30 minutes before falling asleep.
*Short nap or no nap.
*This is more common with older babies whose sleep needs are diminishing.


How to keep it from happening:
*Experiment with giving more wake-time (sometimes 10 minutes is all it takes).
*If Baby doesn't calm during the wind down, let him play a little more.
*After he's been playing in the crib for 30 minutes, go in and tell him rather firmly to go to sleep or repeat a shortened version of the wind down routine.
*If he's been playing more than 30 minutes, move him to a swing to fall asleep more easily as he may now be too tired to fall asleep on his own.


Giving Baby the sleep he needs can be difficult sometimes.  During developmental leaps, when they're sick (or after shots), or after a particularly stimulating wake-time it can be harder to come by sleep.  Patience and study on Mom's part can help.


RESOURCES
Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Flexibility

Babies thrive on routine.  Predictible times for naps and meals and play give a safe framework for learning and growing.  Yet, the schedule cannot rule the day.  It is there to serve the family.  Sometimes the family is better served by bendng the schedule a little.

Young babies (up until 3 or 4 months) are pretty well able to sleep while Mom is out running errands or Aunt Sue doing some holding.  The older they get, however, the less likely babies are to sleep in the middle of activity.  Thankfully older babies tend to be awake longer and better able to handle a late nap.  Flexing Baby's schedule looks different at 2 months than it does at 8 months.

At two months, my son was still very sleepy most of the time.  When I took him to the grocery store, he often fell asleep in his car seat.  Then when we got home, I would bring his seat in the house and let him finish his nap in it.  If he woke, I'd move him to the crib and he was able to get back to sleep and finish his nap.  That didn't even throw off the schedule. 

Visits from family or friends who didn't understand why he was ready for another nap so soon did cause a problem, though.  Sometimes it was worth it to keep him up a little longer to let Aunt Sue get in her holding time, but sometimes it wasn't.  Now (at 8 months), he is much more able to handle a late nap.

It's wise to know your own child's "point of no return."  A baby can be stretched a certain amount before breaking down.  For our son, that breakdown often came after we got home from a too stimulating or too long outing.  He would be an angel even as he was growing over-tired and over-stimulated.  When we got home however, he would scream and cry and have a terrible time falling asleep.  Other babies will have a meltdown in the midst of the outing.

One of the things I love about being Mommy is that I have learned to "read" my son.  He sends out little warning wimpers or turns his head away before beginning to really cry.  If I heed those warnings I can get him down for his nap in time... but I don't have to jump at the first hint of sleepiness either.

Another kind of flexibility comes in teaching Baby to sleep in places besides his crib.  I love that my son can sleep at his aunt or grandma's house just as well as at home.  We have always taken him to Grandma's house after church on Sunday and he naps in her crib there.  Since that's a regular, weekly event, he's also done well on periodic trips when he sleeps in his portable crib.

While flexibility is a noble goal, it's also wise to keep to the routine enough that it's "normal" and those times when you deviate from it are relatively rare.  It is important not to let life revolve around the baby's napping schedule, but it's also good to give him consistency.  As with so many things, balance is the key.

RESOURCES
On the Go with Baby
Babywise

Changing Sleep Needs at 4 - 6 Months

Like most newborns, my son slept a lot. He was often only up for an hour at a time. He continued to sleep a lot until about 6 months. Then we had a horrible week. At nap time, I would lay him down, but he wouldn't sleep. He was grouchy all the time, clearly needing to sleep but unable to do so. Where had my happy, sleepy baby gone? What was I to do now?

Then my grandma told me that her kids seemed to get to an age where they were up for 2 hours and asleep for 2 hours. She said that lasted for a pretty long time. So I decided to try keeping Junior up for 2 hours. Lo and behold, he was back to taking good naps regularly and waking happily! In that one week, he went from being awake only a hour at a time and having 4 naps to staying awake 2 hours at a time and only having 2 naps.

For most babies, this transition comes earlier (4-6 months). Some babies transition more gradually over the course of 2 months; others suddenly change in a week like my son. Either way, the change can come as a surprise. Baby will suddenly have a harder time getting to sleep or staying asleep. This thankfully corresponds with a time when he doesn't need as much sleep. When Mom and Baby are getting used to the new flow of things can be difficult, but take heart. Life is wonderful and flexible on the other side!

RESOURCES

Babywise II
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Evenings With Baby

After a long day at the office or taking care of the kiddies, wouldn't you love a peaceful evening? Well if there's a baby in the house, he's likely to sabotage those plans. The challenges change as Baby grows, but evenings are often when problems crop up. Why? What can you do? Well, here's what we've experienced:

Birth to 3 months:

Why is it tough? Many babies, including ours, seem to have a "witching hour" sometime between 4 and 9 pm. No one seems to know why, but it's a relatively common experience. Our son just needed to cry for about 45-60 minutes some (but not all) evenings no matter what we did!

What helps? As an emotional new mommy, it helped just to know that infant crying peaks at 6 weeks and is greatly reduced by 3 months. We tried holding and rocking him just to be with him during his tears. If it was just too much for us to handle, we did let him cry in his crib sometimes. Babywise does say that there's a chance Baby would fall asleep there. Yet, I didn't like to leave him to cry for too long. This is also a time when putting Junior near a dryer or dishwasher that's running can help. Some people find stroller or car rides beneficial. Just be careful not to make those into sleep crutches by using them every time or after Baby needs them.

4-6 Months

Why is it tough? If you've got Junior on the feeding routine recommended in either Babywise
or Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, you are looking to transition from 5 to 4 liquid feedings. For us, there was a feeding at 5pm and then another at 8pm that we wanted to consolidate into one at bedtime. It seemed like it would take Baby a long time to fall asleep for his 4th nap and then it would be time to get him up again. We could have kept him up, but he was awfully grouchy and tired.

What helps? I found that by cutting our son's third nap shorter, we could make bedtime earlier after his 5pm feeding. Then the 8pm feeding was more of a "dreamfeed" (a technique described in great detail in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer). I kept the lights low and just nursed him and put him back to sleep. That got Junior both the sleep and the calories he needed.

7-10 Months

Why is it tough? This is the season of "does he need the third nap?" Some babies drop the evening nap at 6 months, but others not until 10 or even 12. Deciding what is best for your baby's sleep needs and also trying to have a life sometimes in the evening can be a challenge.

What helps? We are in this phase right now. I think it's alright to vary the evening schedule a bit depending on Baby's day as well as your plans. Earlier this weekend, we cut our son's afternoon nap short so that he would take an evening nap that allowed us to keep him up a little later for a friend's wedding. Then after church on Sunday, since his morning nap was cut short, we let him take the giant 3 1/2 hour afternoon nap that his body wanted and simply moved bedtime earlier. Studies have shown that afternoon sleep is the most restorative so that worked well for him.

Beyond our current stage, I'm sure there will continue to be challenges in the evening. It's wonderful to have my husband around to bounce ideas off of and share baby duty with during these hours. In the midst of baby tears or nap questions, it's also wise to stop and make a memory. Like the song says "you're gonna miss this!"

RESOURCES

Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Short Nap Fix

Have you ever kept your baby up when he seems a bit tired so that he'll take a longer nap? Seems like that would work, but with young babies especially, this can backfire.

Babywise advises parents who notice their babies under 2 months of age waking up after about 45 minutes to try putting them down sooner. I've found this to be a great tip, even for older babies. When David was first born, I kept him up too long because I didn't know what was normal for him. Some newborns only need to be awake for 1/2 hour or 45 minutes at a time.

Whether you keep your baby on a schedule or not, it's a good idea to keep an eye out for his "sleepy cues." When you see a yawn, or baby is pulling on his ears or zoning out with what Ms. Hogg calls a "7-mile-stare," that means his "sleep window" is open. Put him down and he should be able to sleep. But if you wait until that sleep window closes, you'll stop seeing yawns and it'll be much harder for Baby to get to sleep.

When you miss a baby's sleep window, he's also more likely to wake up next time he passes through a light sleep cycle. That's usually around 45 minutes later. So if your baby is consistently taking 45 minute naps and looks rather grouchy and tired when he's awake, try an earlier naptime.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer