Progress is a Spiral

"Woops!  I thought we had mastered the potty."  "Oh no, I thought you knew not to touch the fan!"  "What, we're having problems with the afternoon nap now?  I thought I had that down!"  "Hello?  You liked green beans yesterday!"

Unfortunately for mothers everywhere, children progress in a spiral.  Things get better, then worse, then better, then worse.  The same lessons must be repeated time and time again.  It can really try one's patience!

My mother once told me "parenting will mature you, if you let it."  That progressive spiral can be a wonderful patience builder.... or it can be very discouraging.  It all depends on how I choose to deal with the regressions that will inevitably come.  I am sometimes tempted to throw up my hands in frustration and proclaim that I'll never get it right and I just can't do this anymore.  But of course I will wake up tomorrow and still be the mother.  But what kind of a mother will I be?

Cheerfulness is essential in the development of patience.  When Junior has an potty accident even though he's had many clean and dry days, how will I respond?  Well, of course I will clean it up.  That's not what defines my action as patient.  Of course, I will tell him that he knows better, and this is not how we do things.  But what will my tone be?  Will I be cheerful, truly believing that he can do better?  Or will I be grouchy, feeling despondent about whether this will ever be fully mastered?

It takes work to develop cheerful, patient endurance.  It doesn't come naturally, even to the most loving mother.  It is frustrating to be cleaning the same messes and teaching the same lessons over and over again.  But this common, everyday trial is the one God chose to refine me.  How much better if I joyfully submit to the refining fire?

Photo originally uploaded by Cl@re Bear
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Parental Persistence

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originally uploaded by mikebaird

We have a culture of pushover parenting.  Don't believe me?  Look in the supermarket, where three-year-olds are often given treats to keep them from misbehaving.  Look at exhausted parents eyes, which have so many lines under them because Junior kept them up half the night tossing and turning in Mom and Dad's bed.  And look at the parenting magazines, which tell us that we must, at all costs, preserve our child's self esteem, even if he's a spoiled brat.  Everywhere we look, parents are trying to be their kid's friends.

Maybe we've forgotten that when becoming a parent means that we are responsible.  We are the authority.  That little baby came into the world without a clue how to fall asleep in his own bed, or obey Mom's "don't touch," or be kind.  He won't learn those things if someone doesn't teach him.



So let me encourage you, along with Betsy Hard, author of It Takes a Parent, to take those reigns of authority that come with the title 'Mom' or 'Dad.'  Put your baby to sleep in his own crib and don't get him up at the first protest tears.  Tell your toddler to pick up his toys, and follow through with a punishment if he doesn't.  Come up with some chores for your preschooler (make sure you teach him how to do them).  Don't let your grade schooler go to that party if his room isn't clean.  Require your teen to pay for gas in the car he uses.  Be the parent.  Teach responsibility.

I don't think there are any perfect parents out there, but lets be parents for our kids rather than friends.  Lets persevere even when the results aren't immediate and the culture is encouraging us to give up.  Babywise II says that a 1-year old is really only capable of obeying about 60% of the time when parents begin obedience training.  To get better results we'll need persistence throughout childhood.  Parenting is hard work.  It's filled with joy and love, but hard work nonetheless.  The more we accept the mantle of responsibility that comes with parenthood, the more we'll be able to enjoy our well behaved, kind hearted children.

RESOURCES
It Takes a Parent
Babywise II

Surfing the Sleep Wave

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originally uploaded by Hamed Saber

Good sleep is a lot like surfing. Really. Several biological rhythms work together to help us (and our babies!) fall asleep. There are rising and falling temperatures, as well as melatonin and cortisol level cycles.  We want to catch the rising "sleep wave" before it begins to crash into a fussy, overtired baby.

According to Dr. Weissbluth in Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, when we time our childrens' naps and night sleep when all three of these cycles are at the right point, good quality sleep will come easily.  This is when the child is beginning to lose steam, but before he catches his "second wind."


I had a recent experience that illustrates the most common problem parents have with riding the "sleep wave" very clearly. Our 10-month-old son is getting more active and alert and toddler-like all the time. That means that he can handle longer times of wakefulness before he needs a nap. I, however, made the classic mistake of pushing the naps back too far.

At first, he seemed able to cope quite well. He was still napping about 1.5 hours twice a day and sleeping nearly 12 hours at night. This was less sleep than before, but I figured he was growing up. But over the course of a week or two, he became fussier and more "wound up" at naptime. It took him longer to fall asleep and his naps became far too short. This is not fun for mom or baby, let me tell you!

So yesterday, as I was reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" it dawned on me that I had created this problem. But adding just a little too much wake time, I had robbed my sleepy boy of his much-needed rest. So I moved up his afternoon nap by an hour and he took a gigantic 3.5 hour nap. He must have had a lot of catching up to do!

Today we are back to slightly earlier nap times and so far, pretty solid sleep. Maybe I'll surf the nap wave myself...

RESOURCES
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

What Linus Really Needed

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originally uploaded by cplbasilisk

I never really contemplated Linus much until I read Dr. Wilkoff's book Is My Child Overtired? in which he explains this little boy in details that ring very true to my "mommy instincts." It's pretty simple really: He needs a nap.

In fact, if we parents aren't careful with how our little ones are allowed to use their blankies or other security objects, they could end up like Linus: napless too soon. Here's how Dr. Wilkoff recommends security objects should be used:

-It lives in the bed. When a child wants his security object, it is usually a sign that he is tired and needs to rest. If the object lives in the bed, he will form the association between that tired I-want-my-blankie feeling and his bed, where he sleeps.



-He can have it whenever he wants. So if he got hurt or disappointed and wants the comfort, it's still available. He's just got to hang out on his bed for a while.

-Take it with you when you expect him to sleep away from home. A long car ride or overnight at Grandma's are great exceptions to the "it lives in the bed" rule.

-Take it with you to traumatic places. If your baby needs to have a shot, it's not a bad idea to bring along the comforting blankie, but keep it hidden away in his diaper bag until he needs it.

When kids are allowed to carry their security objects everywhere with them, they are likely to give up their naps early. The child's desire for his security object is a sign for parents that their child is tired. It's also a great tool in meeting your child's sleep need.

RESOURCES
Is My Child Overtired?: The Sleep Solution for Raising Happier, Healthier Children

Sample Baby Schedules

Whether you're loose or strict about the routine in Baby's day, it is helpful to have some idea of what comes next. It helps the new Mommy decipher Baby's cries and gives Baby security to know what comes next. It also gives Baby a foundation into which he can assimilate new discoveries about life. Mom has the ability to plan her errands at a time when Baby will be happy and can look forward to regular naps for her own down time.

Here is our our son's schedule has looked at different ages:

Home from the hospital
We followed a 3 hour schedule from the get-go. That's what they do for babies in the NICU for even the tiny babies with tiny tummies so I felt sure he would get enough to eat. Our son was so sleepy, I woke him up to feed him almost every time.

• 6am-wake, nurse
  
• 6:40am-nap
  
• 9am-nurse
  
• 10am-nap
  
• 12pm-nurse
  
• 1pm-nap
  
• 3pm-nurse
  
• 4pm-nap
  
• 6pm-nurse
  
• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 9pm-nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 12am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 3am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  

One Middle-of-the-Night feeding (6-9 weeks for us)
The "by the book" way to do this is to simply let baby sleep as long as he will after the 9pm dreamfeed. We found that our son would still wake up twice at night if we did that. Instead, I woke him again at midnight and then he slept until morning (or very close to it).

• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 9pm-nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 12am-nurse (low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 5-6am-wake, nurse
  
• 1 hour later-nap until 9am
  

Sleeping Through the Night (12 weeks for us)
Once our son began to sleep until 6am solidly from his 12am feeding, I began to move it earlier by 15 minute increments and dropped it over the course of a few weeks.

• 7pm-bedtime
  
• 10/10:30pm - nurse (dreamfeed: low light, no talking, straight back to bed)
  
• 6am-wake, nurse
  

3.5 Hour Schedule (3-5 months)
The next goal was a longer time between feedings during the day. When I began consistently having to wake our son from his daytime naps to feed him, I knew it was time to stretch out the day. This overlapped with dropping the one middle-of-the-night feeding from the last phase as well. During this phase, afternoon and evening wake times began to stretch a little as well. 4 months is a time of transition!

• 6am-wake, nurse
  
• 7am-nap
  
• 9:30am-nurse
  
• 10:30am-nap
  
• 1pm-nurse
  
• 2:15pm-nap
  
• 4:30pm-nurse
  
• 5:45pm-nap
  
• 7:30pm-nurse
  
• 8:15-bedtime
  
• 10:30-dreamfeed
  

4 Hour Schedule (6-9 months)
This is another time of great transition. Wake times moved to 2 hours each. The two afternoon feedings (1pm and 4:30pm) were combined for dinner, lunch (9:30am) moved back, and we dropped the dreamfeed. Also, with the three main meals of the day, we began solids. When it was all said and done, a rather more solid schedule was formed:

• 7am-wake, nurse (breakfast)
  
• 9am-nap
  
• 11am-nurse (lunch)
  
• 1pm-nap
  
• 3pm-nurse
  
• 5:15pm-catnap
  
• 6:00pm-dinner (solids only)
  
• 7:00pm-nurse/bedtime
  

So now we have only thee naps (sometimes two if the first two are really long) and nighttime sleep is a solid 12 hours. Although every day doesn't got exactly according to plan and there have been issues to work through at every step, I have really appreciated knowing what to work towards. Both my son and I have thrived on our schedule.

RESOURCES
On Becoming Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Photo originally uploaded by alexkerhead
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Sleep Tight

As a child, I loved being tucked into bed. Hugs, kisses, stories, singing, and then those blankets tucked next to me. It was a sweet tangible reminder of the security that came from my parents' love and care. Bedtime is now one of my favorite Mommy times with my 8 month old son. His Daddy and I sing and rock and pray and then "tuck him in" for the night.

When he was a newborn, the nurses at the hospital taught us how to swaddle him. We found that he was greatly comforted in those early weeks by being tightly wrapped. He was used to the confined quarters of the womb and it just felt natural. Sometime even when it wasn't sleepy-time, swaddling him helped to calm him. It's the most extreme example of how boundaries create security in children.

As he grew, however, he seemed more interested in getting his fingers into his mouth than being securely wrapped. We began to swaddle him under his arms when he became too adept at getting unwrapped (4-6 months). I still liked wrapping him up because it sends the message of "It's bedtime" clearly, and I love the cozy associations from my own childhood.

Then around 7 months, I was given a Halo Sleep Sack. It was a nice transition from the swaddle since he could then roll out of his blankets and during the fall and winter it's too cold for him to sleep without them. I think having a special sleep blanket (or sleep sack) still sends the "bedtime" message pretty well.

I don't think there's any reason to rush Baby to grow up and out of his swaddle, but when it's time to move on, simply let it go. The transition out of swaddling was an easy one for us. When Junior gets big enough to have sheets and blankets like a big boy, we'll see if he likes being "tucked in" as much as I did.

RESOURCES

Halo Sleep Sack
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Overtired or Undertired?

As mothers, we become scientists of our babies' sleep needs.  If a nap didn't go well, we want to know why.  Two common answers to why a nap doesn't happen are (1) putting Baby down too soon and (2) putting Baby down too late.  How can we tell the difference?  Here are some signs I've discovered of over-tiredness and under-tiredness:


Over-Tired Signs:
*Baby was yawning or rubbing his face earlier and no longer is.
*He doesn't seem to be happy no matter what you do.
*He seems overly energetic, almost frantic.
*He cries when you begin your wind down routine.
*When you put him down for a nap he cries hard almost like he's in pain.
*He suddenly falls asleep after his cries crescendo to a hard cry.
*Baby needs a car ride or the sound of the dryer to fall asleep.
*He only sleeps 30-45 minutes before waking.
*This is most common with young babies because they need a lot of sleep.


How to keep it from happening:
*Cut back on wake-time by 15 minute increments until naps lengthen and come with less tears.
*Put young babies (up to 4 months old) down at the first yawn.
*Use the "shush-pat" to help a young baby forget everything else and fall asleep.
*Make wake-time less stimulating.  It really doesn't take much to entertain a baby.


Under-Tired Signs:
*Baby seems fidgety while you do the wind down routine.
*When you lay him in the crib, he plays rather than falling asleep.
*Playing more than 30 minutes before falling asleep.
*Short nap or no nap.
*This is more common with older babies whose sleep needs are diminishing.


How to keep it from happening:
*Experiment with giving more wake-time (sometimes 10 minutes is all it takes).
*If Baby doesn't calm during the wind down, let him play a little more.
*After he's been playing in the crib for 30 minutes, go in and tell him rather firmly to go to sleep or repeat a shortened version of the wind down routine.
*If he's been playing more than 30 minutes, move him to a swing to fall asleep more easily as he may now be too tired to fall asleep on his own.


Giving Baby the sleep he needs can be difficult sometimes.  During developmental leaps, when they're sick (or after shots), or after a particularly stimulating wake-time it can be harder to come by sleep.  Patience and study on Mom's part can help.


RESOURCES
Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Changing Sleep Needs at 4 - 6 Months

Like most newborns, my son slept a lot. He was often only up for an hour at a time. He continued to sleep a lot until about 6 months. Then we had a horrible week. At nap time, I would lay him down, but he wouldn't sleep. He was grouchy all the time, clearly needing to sleep but unable to do so. Where had my happy, sleepy baby gone? What was I to do now?

Then my grandma told me that her kids seemed to get to an age where they were up for 2 hours and asleep for 2 hours. She said that lasted for a pretty long time. So I decided to try keeping Junior up for 2 hours. Lo and behold, he was back to taking good naps regularly and waking happily! In that one week, he went from being awake only a hour at a time and having 4 naps to staying awake 2 hours at a time and only having 2 naps.

For most babies, this transition comes earlier (4-6 months). Some babies transition more gradually over the course of 2 months; others suddenly change in a week like my son. Either way, the change can come as a surprise. Baby will suddenly have a harder time getting to sleep or staying asleep. This thankfully corresponds with a time when he doesn't need as much sleep. When Mom and Baby are getting used to the new flow of things can be difficult, but take heart. Life is wonderful and flexible on the other side!

RESOURCES

Babywise II
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Sleep Training without CIO

"How can I get Baby to sleep in his own crib?" This question is vitally important to sleep-deprived parents. The most common answers can be divided into two, rather unpleasant, groups. The first group answers "You can't; just wait until he does it on his own." The second group answers "Just leave him there to Cry-It-Out (CIO) and eventually he'll be able to fall asleep on his own." For parents looking for a middle ground, there's the method advocated in the Baby Whisperer books.

No matter Baby's age, begin with a nice, predictable sleepy-time routine. I like to tell my son the rooms we're going through as we make our way to the nursery. Then when we get there, we sit in the rocking chair and look out the window while I sing him a song. Next I wrap him up in his blankets, give him a kiss, and head out. Sometimes that's all it takes, but if Baby's a little fussy or cries when you set him in his crib, try these age-appropriate techniques:

Birth to 3 Months - Shush-Pat

At this age, babies can't concentrate on more than 2 things at once, so by giving the right kind of soothing, you can help Baby forget about crying. Don't jiggle or rock Baby, but say "shh shh shh" gently in his ear while rhythmically patting his back. You can first attempt this while Baby is in the crib. If that doesn't calm him, pick him up (while still shush-patting) until you sense his breathing getting deeper. Then gently lay him in his crib and continue the shush-pat. Ms. Hogg recommends continuing the shush-pat until you're certain Baby is concentrating on it (7-10 minutes). Then you can slow the patting and gradually stop. When he's quiet, step away from the crib and see whether he drifts off to a deep sleep or jostles awake again. It often takes babies up to 20 minutes to fall asleep so if you stay until he's out you'll be less likely to have to return.

4 to 12 Months - Pick-Up-Put-Down

You can begin by simply being present with your child, putting a hand on his back and possibly offering some words of comfort like "It's OK, honey. You're just going to sleep." If he continues to cry, pick him up, but put him down the minute he stops crying. Don't comfort past the immediate need. If he cries on the way down, still return him to the mattress. Then if he cries again or continues to cry, pick him back up. Continue this until Baby is able to stay calm and fall asleep in his own crib.

On average, Ms. Hogg reports that pick-up-put-down lasts 20 minutes, but it can go on for an hour or more. Teaching the skill of sleep to an older baby will take work. Don't give up and revert to rocking him to sleep or using other props. It will most likely take less time the next night and the next after that. Keep with it and you will probably have a child who can go to sleep on his own within a week.

Teaching a child to sleep can be very stressful no matter what method you choose. Ms. Hogg's method is gentler than CIO but still promises to give parents back their own bed. It offers a good middle-of-the-road approach for parents looking to kindly give their children (and themselves!) sleep.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

Frustrated Baby

Baby's crying! Should you step in and help? Before you assume the answer is always "yes," think of how fruitful your own frustrations have been. Wasn't it frustrating to write that term paper in college and hunt for that first job? I'm certainly not suggesting we ignore Baby's every cry, but there are times when Mommy stepping back is better for the little one in the long run.

One of those times is bed time. Some babies need to cry to let off steam or as they learn to self-soothe. If Mom or Dad rocks Baby to sleep every night, that's what he'll learn is normal. That pattern will likely stick for a long time. Do you really want to have to rock your 3 or 4 year old to sleep? Babywise recommends allowing Baby to cry about 15 minutes before bed- or nap-time before going in to help soothe. If we rob Baby of frustration here, we may rob him of precious sleep, especially in the long run.

Another time when Baby's frustration can be a good thing is playtime. Play is the work of childhood. It actually can be pretty frustrating for Junior when the rattle got knocked out of reach and he's got to figure out how to wiggle over to it. If Mom just hands it to him, it would be easier, but an opportunity to practice crawling and problem solving is lost. When Baby is playing with age appropriate toys, a little frustration helps him learn and grow.

Baby's cries at separation from Mom or Dad are another opportunity for him to grow. If Junior comes to expect Mom as a constant playmate during the day, how will she ever get dinner on? This is a common problem in lots of homes. We began practicing "Independent Play Time" at around 4 months to avoid this. After a small protest, our son can play happily on his own for up to 20 minutes now (at 7 months). When he plays alone, he learns to solve problems and focus on the limited number of toys in his playpen. Those skills will come in handy when he starts school.

The "separation anxiety" cry when Baby is left in someone else's care is a good opportunity for him to learn a little independence. While bonding with parents is really important, it's good for Baby and Mommy if they're not always together. We have a weekly date-night when our son is cared for by his grandparents. This is a good chance for my husband and I to get some "time off" and for Grandma and Grandpa to build a good relationship with their grandson. Just lately, Junior has started complaining about my leaving. It's hard to go, but once I'm gone, he can get down to the business of playing with these other people who love him too.

It's a nice idea for Baby to live in a soft, cuddly world with no frustration. It's certainly one that sells parents on lots of products. We read all kinds of ways to shield our kids from frustrations as we flip through the ads in parenting magazines. Yet, Baby will probably be better off if he deals with some age-appropriate frustration. It will help him to grow.

RESOURCES

Parenting, Inc.
Babywise

Baby's Night Wakings

OK, new parent's don't get a lot of uninterrupted sleep. That's to be expected for the first few months. But what about when Baby is 3 or 4 ... or 8 or 9 months old and is still waking in the middle of the night? Surely this 15 or 20 lb. little guy can hold enough in his tummy to make it until morning! So what went wrong? And more importantly, how can you fix it?

Why not try The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems' Wake-to-Sleep method (p 191)? If Baby habitually wakes at the same hour during the night he may need to reset his internal clock. Try setting your alarm for one hour before Baby normally wakes. Then go into his room and rouse him slightly. Don't get him out of bed or anything, just rub his tummy a little. You don't need to completely wake him. One night of this is usually enough to break the nighttime wake-up pattern, but Ms. Hogg suggests trying it three nights in a row if once doesn't do the trick.

One Caveat: If Baby is used to getting food during the middle of the night, it might help to reduce his intake gradually while adding calories during the day before attempting the Wake-to-Sleep method. Don't expect a baby under 10 lbs. or 2 months to not wake up at night. Their tummies are just too little.

I really like this method as it puts parents in control of the situation. Rather than just lying in bed waiting for Baby to demand attention, you're teaching him what's expected during the night. Sleep is a learned skill. It will take action on the parent's part to teach it. This is a counter-intuitive but wonderful way to do that for habitual night waking.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

Evenings With Baby

After a long day at the office or taking care of the kiddies, wouldn't you love a peaceful evening? Well if there's a baby in the house, he's likely to sabotage those plans. The challenges change as Baby grows, but evenings are often when problems crop up. Why? What can you do? Well, here's what we've experienced:

Birth to 3 months:

Why is it tough? Many babies, including ours, seem to have a "witching hour" sometime between 4 and 9 pm. No one seems to know why, but it's a relatively common experience. Our son just needed to cry for about 45-60 minutes some (but not all) evenings no matter what we did!

What helps? As an emotional new mommy, it helped just to know that infant crying peaks at 6 weeks and is greatly reduced by 3 months. We tried holding and rocking him just to be with him during his tears. If it was just too much for us to handle, we did let him cry in his crib sometimes. Babywise does say that there's a chance Baby would fall asleep there. Yet, I didn't like to leave him to cry for too long. This is also a time when putting Junior near a dryer or dishwasher that's running can help. Some people find stroller or car rides beneficial. Just be careful not to make those into sleep crutches by using them every time or after Baby needs them.

4-6 Months

Why is it tough? If you've got Junior on the feeding routine recommended in either Babywise
or Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, you are looking to transition from 5 to 4 liquid feedings. For us, there was a feeding at 5pm and then another at 8pm that we wanted to consolidate into one at bedtime. It seemed like it would take Baby a long time to fall asleep for his 4th nap and then it would be time to get him up again. We could have kept him up, but he was awfully grouchy and tired.

What helps? I found that by cutting our son's third nap shorter, we could make bedtime earlier after his 5pm feeding. Then the 8pm feeding was more of a "dreamfeed" (a technique described in great detail in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer). I kept the lights low and just nursed him and put him back to sleep. That got Junior both the sleep and the calories he needed.

7-10 Months

Why is it tough? This is the season of "does he need the third nap?" Some babies drop the evening nap at 6 months, but others not until 10 or even 12. Deciding what is best for your baby's sleep needs and also trying to have a life sometimes in the evening can be a challenge.

What helps? We are in this phase right now. I think it's alright to vary the evening schedule a bit depending on Baby's day as well as your plans. Earlier this weekend, we cut our son's afternoon nap short so that he would take an evening nap that allowed us to keep him up a little later for a friend's wedding. Then after church on Sunday, since his morning nap was cut short, we let him take the giant 3 1/2 hour afternoon nap that his body wanted and simply moved bedtime earlier. Studies have shown that afternoon sleep is the most restorative so that worked well for him.

Beyond our current stage, I'm sure there will continue to be challenges in the evening. It's wonderful to have my husband around to bounce ideas off of and share baby duty with during these hours. In the midst of baby tears or nap questions, it's also wise to stop and make a memory. Like the song says "you're gonna miss this!"

RESOURCES

Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Pacifier Protocol

Most every new parent is faced with the question of whether to offer his new baby a pacifier. No one really wants the child who, at age three, pulls the plug out to say "hello" and then puts it back. And yet, it is amazing how offering a young infant something to suck on brings instant relief from crying and calms Baby down. Secrets of the Baby Whisperer highlights the fine line between pacifier use and misuse.

The correct way to use a pacifier, according to Ms. Hogg, is to offer it during the first three months when Baby needs to calm down. Even when Baby is going to sleep, this can be acceptable.

The way to keep the pacifier from becoming a sleep prop is to leave it alone when Baby spits it out naturally on his way to dreamland. If parents come in and replace it after Junior has spit it out, he'll get so used to the sensation in his mouth that he won't be able to get to sleep or stay asleep without it.

Another appropriate use of the pacifier is when dropping the middle-of-the-night feedings. If Junior is waking always at the same hour and is over 12 lbs and 3 months, he is likely waking from habit. One way to stop this rather frustrating habit is to offer a pacifier rather than nursing. After a few nights of this, Junior will likely stop waking up at all.

By three months of age, Baby shouldn't need the pacifier anymore as he will have found his fingers. Hogg suggests that parents need not worry about inappropriate thumb sucking. When a baby finds his thumb, he takes a great leap forward in his ability to self-soothe. Whereas the pacifier offered comfort, it was controlled by the big people and could be lost. The thumb is in the child's control.

In order to avoid inappropriate dependence on thumb sucking, however, Babywise suggests parents pull it out gently during play time and say "not now" after 6 months of age. The thumb is a fine source of comfort at bedtime, but isn't needed during waketime.

Sucking is a natural thing that babies simply do, even when parents attempt to stop them. Beginning in the womb, babies often suck their thumbs. As we seek to teach our children appropriate social behaviors, let's also leave them room to be the babies they are. Like so many parts of parenting, the pacifier issue is one in which balance is the key.

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Sitting Brings Sleeping

I was reminded today of the value of sitting with Baby before nap time. "Sitting" is included in The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems' recommended bed time or nap time routine for good reason. This is a wonderful time to cuddle with Baby and for him to begin settling for sleep.

The routine that Tracy Hogg recommends begins with "Setting the stage." To do this, I carry Baby to his room repeating the same phrases like "let's go up the stairs.... around the corner... and into your room." You can also do things like close the blinds, straighten his blankets in order to swaddle, or read a book.

Next comes "Sitting." This is when you sit holding Baby against your chest, perhaps with his head nestled into your shoulder or neck. The nestling is particularly valuable for little babies who can be too stimulated by looking around. The important thing about sitting is that you not jiggle or rock Baby. Just sit still and wait for him to relax against you. I sing a song while I do this. Our son usually begins to yawn or say "boo" or rub his face. That's just how he gets ready for sleep. Some babies may need to cry a little. Usually the time needed for sitting decreases as Baby learns the routine and gets better at getting ready to sleep. Hold Baby only until he's relaxed, but not actually asleep.

Then there's the "Swaddle." This is wrapping Baby up tightly and confining the arms of a small baby. Our son is nearing 7 months so we don't wrap up his arms as that would impede him going to sleep at this point. We do still wrap him below the arms because I think it's kind of like "tucking in" and helps send the "sleepy time" message. Some people drop the swaddle between 4-6 months, which is OK too. With a young baby it's very helpful though because Baby could startle himself with his own movements.

The last step is only if Baby isn't able to drift of on his own yet. It's called the "Shush-Pat." Hogg recommends saying "shhh" in Baby's ear while patting or rubbing his back or tummy. Young babies (under 3 months) can't think about very many things at once so the combination of the shush and the pat will often help him shut off the rest of his brain and fall asleep. Hogg doesn't recommend the Shush-Pat for babies over 6 months. Our son (7 months) is usually able to get to sleep on his own now, but I think the Shush-Pat would have helped when he was younger.

That "Sitting" step seems to help the whole thing go better. If Junior has had the chance to blow off his steam by fussing or zoning out for a while before I put him in his crib to get the rest of the way to sleep, he often drifts off sooner. My advice is not to rush that "sitting" step.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

Normal Crying?

Everyone knows that babies cry... but how much is normal? Every new mom or dad wrestles with that question. Babywise offers some help by listing three normal crying periods and three abnormal crying periods. It helps to know when Baby's cries mean "something's wrong" or when they are just letting off some steam or doing normal baby crying.

Abnormal Crying Periods

1. During a Feeding - This could happen if the milk isn't coming fast enough (it does take a little while before the milk starts flowing when you're breastfeeding) or if it's coming too fast. Perhaps Baby is positioned incorrectly. Be patient with yourself and your baby; nursing is a learned art. If the bottle is letting formula through too fast or slow, check into getting a different kind of bottle.

2. Immediately Following a Feeding - This could be a sensitivity that Baby has to something in Mom's diet or a milk-allergy (which is pretty rare). This could be due to trapped gas, in which case Baby needs to burp. Our son has always spat up a lot after his meals compared to my sister's babies. He would fuss then spit up and then be happier. Talk to your doctor if spitting up is projectile or seems painful for Baby as those could be signs of reflux.

3. Waking Early from a Sound Nap - First see if this could be a hunger issue. Try feeding Baby. If he takes a full feeding, you know that he was hungry and can add one or two feedings to his schedule for a few days until the growth spurt is over. If he doesn't eat very much, the problem is likely that something startled him out of sleep. If that's the case, he needs to learn how to get himself back to sleep. When our son wakes early and it doesn't seem to be due to hunger, I do a shortened version of our nap-time ritual (sing him a song and wrap him in his blankets) and he often drifts back to sleep until time for his next meal.

Normal Crying Periods

1. Just Before a Feeding - Babies younger than about 3 months usually wake up crying because of hunger if you have them on the Eat-Awake-Sleep schedule. Eating is the next event in Baby's life so that should take care of the tears.

2. When Baby is Put down for a Nap - Many babies need to let off some steam by crying in order to settle into sleep. Babywise says to check on baby after 15 minutes. I think that as Baby gets older, Mom gets wiser too. I can recognize the "something's wrong" cry from the "I'm going to sleep" cry a lot better now. Some babies will always cry before a nap and other's won't. Our son only does if he's really tired, but my sister's two-year-old still cries for about 1-5 minutes before her naps.

3. During the Late-Afternoon / Early-Evening - This has been called the "witching hour" in other books. It simply seems to be a normal time when young babies need to let off some steam. Our son would cry inconsolably for an hour or two lots of evenings before he got to be about 2.5 months old. We would hold him, rock him, pat him, let him listen to the dishwasher... nothing really helped. It wasn't fun, but it did end around 2.5 months for us (this can go on until 3 or 4 months and still be normal). Babywise suggests that if nothing helps Baby, it is OK to consider putting him in his crib where he may fall asleep.

Playing detective with Baby's cries is just part of the joy and pain of parenting. This season will pass one day, when Junior learns his first words and starts walking. The difficulties of babyhood make the sweetness sweeter.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Calming Chemicals

Do you really need another reason to teach your baby how to self calm... besides the obvious benefit of a baby who doesn't always need your help to calm down? Well in case you do, here's what the research says according to Dr. Lawrence Shapiro in The Secret Language of Children.

When a baby learns to control his emotions within the first years of life, his brain chemicals actually change. The amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, in a baby who has learned to calm himself is better able to control the chemicals associated with anger and stress.

Studies have shown that shy babies often become shy children and then shy adults. Self calming skills can help a baby reduce his fear response around others, however, and can short-circuit the shyness if caught early enough. You can give your shy baby the gift of ease around other people.

So how do you teach self calming? There are many techniques ("Ferberizing", "Cry it Out" etc.) but here's the response Shapiro recommends to infant crying:

(1) Observe baby's crys and make sure everything is OK and baby is not in any harm.

(2) Wait a minute then say a few comforting words softly to baby.

(3) Step into view.

(4) Check his diaper or give him a pat on the back or tummy.

(5) Pick Baby up and hold him for a few minutes before putting him back down.

Shapiro recommends only going as far as needed to help Baby calm down. The more he can do for himself, the better self-soothing skills he will have gained.

RESOURCES

The Secret Language of Children

Sleep Props

Have you ever met anyone who needs white noise to fall asleep? Maybe you take your best naps riding in the car (hopefully someone else is driving!). What pregnant woman hasn't heard the tip about putting the baby's carseat on the dryer to get him to sleep? All these are sleep props.

A sleep prop is anything a parent or caregiver does to help a baby fall asleep that inhibits his ability to self-soothe. Rocking or nursing a baby to sleep or giving him a car ride are all common sleep props.

The problem with these practices is that when Baby wakes prematurely, he can't re-create that soothing scene on his own. Parents in search of continuous nighttime sleep or good solid naps must have as their goal teaching self-soothing. Thumb or finger sucking is an example of self-soothing. This is something the child does for himself, so if he wakes early or has trouble drifting off, he can help himself.

Other self soothing methods include a blanket or lovey that the child adopts or a pacifier that the child is able to replace on his own.

By all means, continue to sing, rock, read to, and cuddle your baby before bed or nap. Just remember to put him to bed still awake so that he can figure out the drifting off part of sleep on his own.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer (see for more on pacifiers)

Good Morning!

Does your baby ever wake up "on the wrong side of the bed?" Is crankiness his normal wake-up mood? If so, he may not have gotten enough sleep.

According to Babywise, "between four and six months of age, infants generally develop a wake-up disposition-one that you highly influence." Babies usually sleep in 45 minute cycles of light and deep sleep. There may be a small bit of fussy baby noise coming from the nursery between those cycles. Beware! That little fussy baby noise may not mean the nap is over. If left to his own, Baby will often resettle for another cycle or two of sleep. Don't be too quick to assume a nap is over.

On a 3-hour schedule, naps are normally 1.5-2.5 hours. Once a baby has moved to a 4-hour schedule (generally around 4 or 5 months), naps are anywhere from 1.5 - 3 hours each. If baby has trouble with those naps, here are some possible causes and solutions:

A) Baby could be overtired (evidenced by hard crying before falling asleep and fitful sleep, usually a short nap). The solution here is to put Baby to bed sooner, by 10 or 15 minutes. Try to watch for sleepy cues like yawns, rubbing the face, or poor coordination. When you start seeing those cues, put the baby down.

B) Baby could be undertired (evidenced by playing in the crib for long periods of time before falling asleep). If this is the problem, try keeping Baby up a little bit longer, perhaps 10 more minutes of waketime is all that's needed.

C) Baby could be having trouble with sleep transitions (waking up after 45 minutes). Try letting Junior figure out how to resettle for maybe 10 or 15 minutes before going in to comfort him. If you do go in to help teach him how to get back to sleep, be very calming. Perhaps sing your bedtime song or pat him. Try to send the message that it's still sleepytime.

Troubleshooting naps can be a challenge -- Baby's needs are often a moving target. Be a student of your baby. Learn his sleepy cues and look for that cheerful wake-up disposition.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Sleeping Like a Baby

"Get your sleep now, 'cause it'll be only a memory soon." "Sleep when the baby sleeps." "You'll be soo tired." Every expectant couple hears these intimidating pronouncements so often, they can start losing sleep before Baby arrives.

So how bad is it, really? How long does it last? Babywise says "Healthy, full-term babies typically are born with the capacity to achieve seven to eight hours of continuous nighttime sleep between seven and nine weeks." Oh, was that music to my worried, pregnant ears! And let me encourage you too: it's true! Sleep is a skill that must be taught, but it's definitely doable in a reasonable amount of time. Some babies may achieve the 7-8 hours of continuous sleep a little later, but most can do it by 3 months.

How did it work for us? Well, I'm an orderly person and all those pronouncements sure scared me so I when I was pointed to Babywise, I read it all the way through before our baby was born. Twice. Then when Junior was born, even before we brought him home from the hospital, I fed him every three hours. That was especially easy in the beginning because he was so tired from being born he would sleep until I woke him up every time. Babywise encourages parents to focus on keeping a newborn awake long enough to take a full feeding. Gradually those wakeful periods lengthen out.

At home, I stuck to that 3 hour routine of feeding, diaper changing, playing a little, then sleep. It worked pretty well, but there were some hiccups. If Baby woke up before the next feeding time but close and seemed hungry, I'd go ahead and feed him. If it hadn't been very long, I figured something else was the problem and worked to help him get back to sleep.

At night, we didn't play with him after the feeding. Just a quick diaper change and back to bed for everybody. We've been blessed with a baby who requires a lot of sleep anyway, so that was never really difficult.

Now our son, David, was born small (5 lbs 4 oz) and sometimes would sleep too long because he was working so hard on growing. So I set the alarm to make sure I fed him every 3 hours at night... until he got to be about 9 lbs. or so. Then I'd feed him before I went to bed and just let him sleep as long as he wanted. Gradually, he started to lengthen out his nighttime feedings. We went from waking up twice at night to once around 8 weeks. Then he would sleep until 4:30 or 5 AM at 3 months. By 4 months, David slept like a baby at night - 12 hours of continuous sleep.

It's a sweet sweet thing! Every baby is different. The journey to "sleeping through the night" is rough on parents no matter what. But it is achievable in a reasonable amount of time. Good sleep habits can be taught.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Short Nap Fix

Have you ever kept your baby up when he seems a bit tired so that he'll take a longer nap? Seems like that would work, but with young babies especially, this can backfire.

Babywise advises parents who notice their babies under 2 months of age waking up after about 45 minutes to try putting them down sooner. I've found this to be a great tip, even for older babies. When David was first born, I kept him up too long because I didn't know what was normal for him. Some newborns only need to be awake for 1/2 hour or 45 minutes at a time.

Whether you keep your baby on a schedule or not, it's a good idea to keep an eye out for his "sleepy cues." When you see a yawn, or baby is pulling on his ears or zoning out with what Ms. Hogg calls a "7-mile-stare," that means his "sleep window" is open. Put him down and he should be able to sleep. But if you wait until that sleep window closes, you'll stop seeing yawns and it'll be much harder for Baby to get to sleep.

When you miss a baby's sleep window, he's also more likely to wake up next time he passes through a light sleep cycle. That's usually around 45 minutes later. So if your baby is consistently taking 45 minute naps and looks rather grouchy and tired when he's awake, try an earlier naptime.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer