Heirs Together

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originally uploaded by boo!berry

How's your "to do" list looking?  Is it pretty full?  Do you find yourself often on the edge of exhaustion from all the busyness?  If so, you're not alone!  We seem to have a cult of busyness in our society.  We pack our schedules full of errands, lunches with friends, bible studies, volunteering, classes for the kids, and a million other things that all sound pretty noble.

But at the end of the day, we collapse into bed without having made a connection with the most important person in our lives.  "Many husbands and wives are running circles around each other, seldom meeting in the middle" (Created to Be His Help Meet p. 280).  That means that husband and wife are left more or less alone.



But why did God create marriage in the first place?  Wasn't it because it was "not good" (Genesis 2:18) for man to be alone?  He made woman to be a "suitable helper" (Genesis 2:18) for him.  In our busyness, perhaps we wives have lost sight of this high and noble purpose.

Too many activities can mean more "pursuits of vanity"(Created to Be His Help Meet p. 280) than helpful activities for our family.  I do find that it's difficult to keep everything running smoothly at home when my day involves a lot of phone time or a long visit with a friend or an ambitious volunteering activity.  Now certainly maintaining relationships and being generous with my time can be good things to do, but it is important to keep my priorities in the correct order.  My first loyalty is to God, my husband and children, then extended family, neighbors, and the world beyond.

RESOURCES
Created to Be His Help Meet

Fun Marriage

I remember the days when our wedding was approaching. I was so looking forward to the fun we would have being married and spending our days together. Dating was so exciting and adventure filled, surely marriage would be more (and better) of the same.

But regular life has a way of becoming routine. Between bringing home the bacon and getting that bacon on
the table and all the other tasks of running our household (now with a baby son) together, sometimes fun gets lost in the shuffle.

Then came the Friday after Thanksgiving. We decided to join the (surprising number of) crazy shoppers who wake up early and line up at the stores before they open at 5AM. Thanks to a wonderful father-in-law who came ridiculously early in the morning to babysit and sleep on our couch while we shopped, we had a really memorable (and tiring) morning.

In his book Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs, Dr. Harley reminds parents that they need more than just face-to-face time together. They also need side-by-side time together sharing "recreational companionship." This is actually Dad's #2 need from his wife (#1 being sex). I'm so glad we revitalized our marriage by bringing some fun into it at the crack of dawn. We got some good deals and made a big dent in Christmas shopping too!

RESOURCES
Moms Needs, Dads Needs

Photo originally uploaded by lululemon athletica
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When Momma's Happy...

Ahh... everybody's happy.

As the heart of her home, Mom is the emotional center. Whether they know it or not, others in the house take their emotional cues from Mom.

There is a particularly strong emotional link between Mom and Baby. Studies have shown that babies of mothers with postpartum depression don't smile or coo as much as other babies. A calm mom is much better able to calm her baby, and a frazzled mom is likely to
stress Baby out.

I have found that I need to watch myself when big events come. Being a planner, I tend to worry about when, where, and how much our son will sleep. I worry during my sister's wedding, when a weekend away approaches, or as I plan a holiday celebration. Our son tends to pick up on my agitation and his naps are poor before the event. I have been better able to relax during the event itself and he does remarkably well with his sleep and attitude in general while things are going on.

With a baby, motherly worry seems to be a self-fufilling prophecy. Sometimes there are circumstances that make it tougher for Baby to get his naps and be cheerful, but Mom's worry only makes that worse. Social events can be a joy when we relax and enjoy them!

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer
Babywise

Photo originally uploaded by 'Playingwithbrushes'
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Sleeping Away from Home

Depending on the kind of parent you are, Baby may be quite accustomed to taking naps away from home. I'm not much of a gad-about so this doesn't happen a lot for my son. He usually does well when we're at Grandma's or in a hotel, though. When the holidays come, Baby's naps will almost assuredly have to be a little flexible. So if he isn't used to it, here are some tips that can help.

*Darken the room: There will be lots of new things to look at so the less Baby can see them the better. At my mom's house, our son sleeps in their pitch black walk in closet and takes better naps than at home.

*White noise: You can turn on a fan, tune the radio to static, or buy a white noise machine. I have found this to be a great help when Baby needs to nap in a noisy house (ours or someone else's).

*bBlankets draped over the crib: Draping blankets from home over the sides of the crib can help Baby feel safe. It also contributes to darkness and blocks the distraction of looking around the room.

*Wind down away from people: In a crowded house, a baby can get kind of wound up with all the stimulation. Ten or 15 minutes before bedtime in a room alone with Mom can go a long way towards helping Baby wind down for sleep. I find that if I don't do this with our son, he has a hard time getting to sleep.

*Relax: Don't expect things to go perfectly for Baby. They probably won't and it's better to enjoy the holiday anyway. Naps might be shorter, interruptions are likely, and it can be hard to convince Aunt Sue that the Baby really does need a nap. Do the best you can and get back to the routine when you get home.

RESOURCES
On the Go with Baby
Babywise

Photo originally uploaded by robax
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Keeping Marriage First

A strong and loving marriage is the foundation of a strong and loving family.  Yet, each little bundle of joy that arrives brings more busyness which can tend to pull Mom and Dad in opposite directions.  While we love our son, my husband and I know that we must protect our love for each other as well.  Here are three things we do to put our marriage first:

1.  Date Night - My in-laws are wonderful!  They come over every Thursday evening to watch our son while my husband and I go out.  Every other week we go to Bible Study together.  This gives us some interesting fodder for conversation and helps us maintain our identity apart from being a Mom and Dad.  On the off weeks, we go out on a date.  It's nice to go someplace without having to worry about the car seat and stroller and upcoming nap time.  We can enjoy each other and be carefree.

2.  Couch Time - When my husband comes home from work, he gives me 10 or 15 minutes with him.  This is time when Junior plays on the floor and we sit on the couch reconnecting about our day.  Our son knows he can have some special "Daddy time" afterwards.  It's a good visual reminder for us all that the marriage comes first.

3.  Praying Together - After our son is in bed and everything is taken care of for the day, before we go to sleep, my husband and I set aside a half hour to talk and pray together.  It is a sweet way to end the day.  We have found that it takes discipline to set the time when the "day" ends so that we can have that time together without getting to bed too late.

When children come along, it can be tempting to surrender to the "tyranny of the urgent" and forget what's most important.  My husband doesn't usually cry for my attention, but he needs it.  I need our time together too.  Even our son needs us to have it.  The home is a more joyful and peaceful place when we take the time to remind ourselves how sweet it all is.

RESOURCES
Moms Needs, Dads Needs
Babywise

Flexibility

Babies thrive on routine.  Predictible times for naps and meals and play give a safe framework for learning and growing.  Yet, the schedule cannot rule the day.  It is there to serve the family.  Sometimes the family is better served by bendng the schedule a little.

Young babies (up until 3 or 4 months) are pretty well able to sleep while Mom is out running errands or Aunt Sue doing some holding.  The older they get, however, the less likely babies are to sleep in the middle of activity.  Thankfully older babies tend to be awake longer and better able to handle a late nap.  Flexing Baby's schedule looks different at 2 months than it does at 8 months.

At two months, my son was still very sleepy most of the time.  When I took him to the grocery store, he often fell asleep in his car seat.  Then when we got home, I would bring his seat in the house and let him finish his nap in it.  If he woke, I'd move him to the crib and he was able to get back to sleep and finish his nap.  That didn't even throw off the schedule. 

Visits from family or friends who didn't understand why he was ready for another nap so soon did cause a problem, though.  Sometimes it was worth it to keep him up a little longer to let Aunt Sue get in her holding time, but sometimes it wasn't.  Now (at 8 months), he is much more able to handle a late nap.

It's wise to know your own child's "point of no return."  A baby can be stretched a certain amount before breaking down.  For our son, that breakdown often came after we got home from a too stimulating or too long outing.  He would be an angel even as he was growing over-tired and over-stimulated.  When we got home however, he would scream and cry and have a terrible time falling asleep.  Other babies will have a meltdown in the midst of the outing.

One of the things I love about being Mommy is that I have learned to "read" my son.  He sends out little warning wimpers or turns his head away before beginning to really cry.  If I heed those warnings I can get him down for his nap in time... but I don't have to jump at the first hint of sleepiness either.

Another kind of flexibility comes in teaching Baby to sleep in places besides his crib.  I love that my son can sleep at his aunt or grandma's house just as well as at home.  We have always taken him to Grandma's house after church on Sunday and he naps in her crib there.  Since that's a regular, weekly event, he's also done well on periodic trips when he sleeps in his portable crib.

While flexibility is a noble goal, it's also wise to keep to the routine enough that it's "normal" and those times when you deviate from it are relatively rare.  It is important not to let life revolve around the baby's napping schedule, but it's also good to give him consistency.  As with so many things, balance is the key.

RESOURCES
On the Go with Baby
Babywise

Thoughtful Stroller Use

I have a confession to make. I love strollers. My 8 month old has a snap-n-go I can put his car seat on, a too-cute Jeep Wrangler umbrella stroller and a double jogging stroller. They all seemed so vital to parenting when I bought them. But.... I kind of prefer to carry him if I can. I love to have him close to me and he's not that heavy yet.

In her book, Slow and Steady Parenting, Dr. Catherine Sanderson recommends we parents do a little cost-benefit analysis of strolling with our kids.

Benefits:

(1) They help you get tasks done without breaking your back.

(2) They have those great baskets underneath for carrying a bunch of kid-gear.

(3) They keep the curious, dawdle-prone toddler moving along at a decent clip.

(4) You can have your hands mostly free for shopping or whatever else you're doing.

Costs:

(1) The baby misses snuggle time in your arms.

(2) Kiddos wiz by the world too fast to explore it.

(3) It can get boring for the already-walking toddler who would prefer to be moving those legs.

(4) Mom arrives home tired from pushing them and kids arrive home with energy to burn.

Perhaps there is a better way to use my strollers than just toting Junior everywhere because it's what "everybody else" does. For active babies like my 8-month-old, short errand trips and walks are best because they allow him more time at home to roll around on the floor and practice his budding motor skills. For toddlers who can walk, it may be better to let them even if it takes longer to get things done. They'll learn a lot, get some exercise, and arrive home tired enough to nap well.

There are many seemingly convenient ways to parent in the short term that turn out to be harder in the long term. This is one I hadn't thought through, and I'm glad for the opportunity to do so. I will continue to use my beautiful plethora of strollers with great joy, but I will use them only on those occasions when they are truly worth the cost.

RESOURCES

Slow and Steady Parenting

Jeep Wrangler All-Weather Umbrella Stroller in Fierce