Gone Fishing

Creative Commons
originally uploaded by David Paul Ohmer

So where have I been all this time?  Off on a missions trip / vacation with my husband!  It was wonderful for our marriage, our son, and our family.  Why?

1.  Going away helped us remember why we got married in the first place -- we're great friends!  We got to work on the same missions project together (laying bricks is work enough for two!), make new friends together, and explore the Dominican Republic together.  We got to have long uninterrupted conversations in restaurants and get lost and found again among the first buildings ever built in the New World.  It was great fun and has renewed our vision for life together.


2.  Going away refreshed me for the 24/7 job of mothering.  I saw other people with their babies and toddlers and watched other baby-free people watching them.  I gained a new perspective for how precious and short is the time we'll have with our son at home.  I find I am much more patient and able to make wise choices in my parenting since returning.  I'm really having fun with my job as a mother.

3.  Going away gave our son a wonderful opportunity to experience the love and care of his grandparents and aunt.  That relationship is precious and we want to encourage it.  It's neat to see how our son has a special and unique bond with each of them now.  He still loves his Mommy and Daddy and was happy to see us, but it's good for him to be able to find security and build relationships with his extended family as well.

In their parenting seminars, Mark and Jill Savage recommend daily dates ("How was your day?" conversations), weekly dates (the familiar date-night concept), and yearly dates with your spouse.  The yearly date is something like a weekend away or a vacation with just the two of you.  After our get-away, I would have to say, theirs is great advice!

RESOURCES
Jill Savage's blog
Mark Savage's blog

Frustrated Baby

Baby's crying! Should you step in and help? Before you assume the answer is always "yes," think of how fruitful your own frustrations have been. Wasn't it frustrating to write that term paper in college and hunt for that first job? I'm certainly not suggesting we ignore Baby's every cry, but there are times when Mommy stepping back is better for the little one in the long run.

One of those times is bed time. Some babies need to cry to let off steam or as they learn to self-soothe. If Mom or Dad rocks Baby to sleep every night, that's what he'll learn is normal. That pattern will likely stick for a long time. Do you really want to have to rock your 3 or 4 year old to sleep? Babywise recommends allowing Baby to cry about 15 minutes before bed- or nap-time before going in to help soothe. If we rob Baby of frustration here, we may rob him of precious sleep, especially in the long run.

Another time when Baby's frustration can be a good thing is playtime. Play is the work of childhood. It actually can be pretty frustrating for Junior when the rattle got knocked out of reach and he's got to figure out how to wiggle over to it. If Mom just hands it to him, it would be easier, but an opportunity to practice crawling and problem solving is lost. When Baby is playing with age appropriate toys, a little frustration helps him learn and grow.

Baby's cries at separation from Mom or Dad are another opportunity for him to grow. If Junior comes to expect Mom as a constant playmate during the day, how will she ever get dinner on? This is a common problem in lots of homes. We began practicing "Independent Play Time" at around 4 months to avoid this. After a small protest, our son can play happily on his own for up to 20 minutes now (at 7 months). When he plays alone, he learns to solve problems and focus on the limited number of toys in his playpen. Those skills will come in handy when he starts school.

The "separation anxiety" cry when Baby is left in someone else's care is a good opportunity for him to learn a little independence. While bonding with parents is really important, it's good for Baby and Mommy if they're not always together. We have a weekly date-night when our son is cared for by his grandparents. This is a good chance for my husband and I to get some "time off" and for Grandma and Grandpa to build a good relationship with their grandson. Just lately, Junior has started complaining about my leaving. It's hard to go, but once I'm gone, he can get down to the business of playing with these other people who love him too.

It's a nice idea for Baby to live in a soft, cuddly world with no frustration. It's certainly one that sells parents on lots of products. We read all kinds of ways to shield our kids from frustrations as we flip through the ads in parenting magazines. Yet, Baby will probably be better off if he deals with some age-appropriate frustration. It will help him to grow.

RESOURCES

Parenting, Inc.
Babywise