Look!

It can be very tempting, in the midst of your current parenting challenges, to forget to stop and take a look around. So here's a reminder: Stop and ....

1. Look behind: OK, I have a confession. I'm a perfectionist. And, well, as a mom, that means I almost always have a "pet project of perfection." That also can morph into my "pet stressor." I tend to think "If I could just get him to __________ (nap perfectly / always obey / master the potty etc.), life would be great." That leaves me feeling a little like a failure most of the time, which is a shame because I get a lot of things right! It can be good for me to look back and remember how I helped him learn to drink from a bottle, sleep through the night, leave electrical cords alone, and keep his finger food on the highchair tray. Looking back can be very encouraging!

Another kind of looking back that I love is watching my little sister and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law navigating the newlywed, engagement, and dating phases of life. It is fun to watch their excitement and remember when my husband and I were there. New love is a sweet thing. So is the mature love that we're growing into, but sometimes parenting can get in the way of that. There is a temptation to turn my attention from husband to baby. He's the 'new thing' now. He's cuddly and cute. But, oh, remember when my husband was the 'new thing'! His kindness and great personality and history and dreams and accomplishments were so fun to discover.... and they're still there! I actually get to enjoy them a lot more now, so long as I remember to take the opportunity!

2. Look Around: When I look back in the photo album, it also reminds me how fleeting the days of parenting are. The changes are big and constant and there's no rewind button. I try to make time for playing with my son down on the floor at his level. He is my little buddy, and I love it! He is cheerful, active, curious, mechanical, and just plain fun! While the housework does need to be done, and I do have "learning goals" like Independent Playtime, Reading time, and Blanket time for him each day, I don't want to be so goal oriented that I forget to enjoy him. One of the great things about having a kid is that you get to resurrect your own inner child... and I would hate to miss out on the fun!

3. Look Ahead: I have been blessed so many times by my older sister. She's always been just a little ahead of me in life, and I benefit so much from watching her navigate the challenges that are headed my way. She's got three kids: a baby, a toddler, and a preschooler. With my son just on the verge of toddling (13 months), it is great to watch how she handles her older girls. What does she expect from them? How does she enforce discipline? How does mealtime work with that many little ones? How do you do nap time when there are two in the same room? How does she keep her own energy up with so many demands? When does the housework get done? These are all questions I've seen the answers to without even having to ask (and I'm not sure I would have thought of them all anyway) just by stopping by to help out and play and live life together once in a while. If you have friends or family with older children, take advantage!

It can also be great to talk with my mom or mother-in-law, or even my grandma about how they did things. There is so much wisdom there! A lot of people have been where I am, so there's no reason to re-invent the wheel. While books and magazines do have some good suggestions, parenting isn't exactly a new thing. I turned out pretty well and enjoyed my childhood. I think my husband and parents turned out pretty well too. It's great to glean the hard-earned wisdom of those who've been there. Plus, it's a great way to value and respect my elders! I think they like to be asked.

Photo originally uploaded by Photos8.com
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The Many Benefits of Delaying Gratification

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originally uploaded by Carly Jane1

Do you remember looking in the toy store window as a kid and drooling over some toy?  I do.  For me, it was American Girls' Felicity doll.  I still remember how much she cost: $84.00.  That was a massive sum for a 9-year-old girl.  I got about $2 a week in allowance and, after tithing, I saved it all for that doll.  By the time I had saved up all that money, I had something even more valuable than a very exciting package coming to me in the mail.  I had learned financial self control.

Sadly, that value has been lacking in our society as a whole for a while.  The popularity of Keynesian economic policy ("spending our way" out of economic crisis) has given license to our greedy sinful natures.  The entitlement mentality, growing credit card debt, the housing bubble, and even
the obesity epidemic all reveal a woeful lack of delayed gratification in our society.

How would the world be different if we relearned to work hard and wait for the good things in life?  Maybe we could find complete satisfaction in what we've earned.  Buying a new car with cash that we've saved; paying off the mortgage on a house that teaches kids to share a room; seeing genuine gratitude on their faces at Christmas...  Perhaps the current economic slump will help us find these simple pleasures again.

RESOURCES
Living With Less So Your Family Has More
Where Keynes Went Wrong: And Why World Governments Keep Creating Inflation, Bubbles, and Busts

Well Rested ... Parents?

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originally uploaded by Warren Noronha

You know that Junior can only handle so much action before it's time for a nap. Whether it's too many errands or too late of a nap, nobody likes to see a preschooler who's at the "end of his rope." Yet, many of us parents let ourselves get drained on sleep.

Why? Well, we live in a busy world where we're pushed to "keep up with the Jonses'" activity level. There are so many activities to do and TV shows to watch and websites to keep up on.... and then along comes a baby. At first he's up several times at night to eat, but even when he settles in for some good solid nights of sleep, all that baby care we've done during the day means postponing our "me time" and "us time" until after he's in bed. It can all add up to a late night for Mom and Dad.


What's the problem with that? Well most little ones are up with the sun, and that means Mom and Dad are too, whether they got enough sleep or not... and studies show most of us don't get enough.  Sleep deprived parents are low on patience, focus, and cheerfulness. That means parenting becomes a chore that we're really not doing as well as we could.  If parenting isn't fun almost all of the time, Dr. Wilkoff says that either parents or children or both probably aren't getting enough rest.

My husband and I have been under the whether these past few days and that gives me a newfound appreciation for the rest and energy I normally get. We haven't slept really well and that's rough on family life. Playing with Baby isn't as fun. It's also harder to make good judgments about proactively enforcing discipline when we're tired.

What's the answer? I'm happy to say we already do what Dr. Wilkoff recommends in Is My Child Overtired? We get Junior in bed by 7 and then are asleep by 9 or 10 ourselves. This allows us time alone together to refresh our marriage and plenty of time to sleep as well. The "run down" feeling we have right now is thankfully temporary.

RESOURCES
Is My Child Overtired?: The Sleep Solution for Raising Happier, Healthier Children
On Becoming Babywise: Giving Your Infant The Gift of Nighttime Sleep

Parenting: A Two-Person Job

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originally uploaded by surlygirl

I love how excited our son gets when he sees me walk in the room. He waves his arms excitedly, squeals, and gives me a big smile. I love being his favorite person!

But I'm so glad I'm not his only caregiver. God gives babies to a Mommy and a Daddy for good reason! Daddy is a valuable asset to the parenting team in many ways. Here are some of my favorites:



1. Fresh Eyes: When my husband comes home from work, he is tired out from the world of adults. He sees the value of our home life and the cuteness of our son sometimes more clearly than I do by virtue of that comparison.

2. Fresh Arms: While our son has always been a pretty easy baby, it can be fatiguing to be forever "on duty." It is good for me to be able to leave Baby's care to my husband for a little bit so that I can go for a walk or go out with my girlfriends once in a while.  Even if I don't really go anywhere, it's good to relax sometimes and let him have "baby duty" periodically.  That helps me remember who I am outside of being in charge of the home front. We all need to be "off duty" sometimes... and it's nice to leave our son in arms I trust so implicitly!

3. Rough Play: My husband and I both love our son, but we show that love in different ways. I tend to play more gently and verbally with him; telling him how cute he is and singing and making funny noises. My husband, on the other hand, loves to tickle, toss, and wrestle.  Both types of play and love are great for our son.

4. Raising the Bar: My husband also tends to persevere a little longer than I do on issues of training. I get tired of trying to get him to drink from his sippy cup or eat his vegetables or keep away from the computer cord sooner than my husband. Sometimes Junior really needs the extra push his Daddy provides.

I love being a Momma and I think there's great value to my job, but my husband does a great job as a Daddy too. Little ones take a lot of energy, both physical and emotional. It is so nice to share the work and joy of parenthood!

RESOURCES
Moms Needs, Dads Needs

Swimming Up Stream

Being a good parent is a big job. There is food to put on the table, clothing to provide, intellectual development to steward, character to train, safety to guard, naps to orchestrate, potty training... the list could go on.

Being a parent is a high calling. More and more, however, parents are laboring without the support of society in the moral aspect of
their job (Bringing up Boys p 202).

Consider the television. My parents grew up with limited access to TV, but the shows that were available supported traditional family values. Father knew best. Now television watching abounds and the TV parents "just don't get it." Violence and sexuality on TV rob our children of their innocence and undermine any parental moral training they've received.

So what's a counter-cultural parent to do? Certainly the growing homeschooling movement indicates that parents are seeking to shield their children from the negative aspects of our culture. Yet we can't keep our kids away from life all together. How can we be "in the world but not of it"?

I think the answer lies in being there for our kids to explain the sin they see. We cannot completely control their world. They will see greed and anger and pride even in their own home. The important part is to explain that people sometimes make wrong choices. Thankfully, that can lead to the discussion of God's grace on those of us who admit our sin and choose to accept His forgiveness and turn from our wickedness.

RESOURCES

Bringing Up Boys
Going Public

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Parenting Paradigms

Most parents tend toward one end or the other of a continum that has Babywise on one end and Attachment Parenting on the other. There can be problems with either of these paradigms if taken to the extreme.

Attachment Parenting suggests that babies needs should be catered to as immediately as possible. If carried on beyond infancy, parents find that placing a child's happiness as their ultimate goal disrupts the family. It creates selfish children who are ill equipped to manage in the real world simply because it does not revolve around them. It also leaves Mommy and Daddy little time or energy for being Husband and Wife. This is not good for family harmony.

On the other end of the spectrum, strict schedulers find themselves attempting to control their child's eating and sleeping and playtime all the time. Striving for the unattainable perfect schedule stresses Mom, Dad and Baby. It also puts a lot of pressure on Junior to achieve, beginning with sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and continuing on to social and intellectual achievements throughout childhood.

As parents, we cannot control our children all the time. We can't make their happiness or success our ultimate goal. The center of the family ought to be the spousal relationship, not the parental one. Children need the security that comes from Mom and Dad's stable relationship. They also need the freedom that comes from not having all the focus on them. Childhood is a time to try lots of things and make mistakes and grow. When parents hover too much over their children, we rob them of the best things about childhood.

It's OK if Junior doesn't have exactly 45 minutes of Independent Playtime today. It's also OK if the he cries a little. "Good enough" is actually better than "Perfect."

RESOURCES

Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box

Actions Speak Louder

What are your bad habits? Come on, you know you've got some. Watching movies, eating junk food, getting angry with the slow driver ahead of me, occasionally arguing with my husband, obsessively cleaning... Now that I've got a baby, all those habits are being carefully studied. Along with everything good I'm trying to teach our son, he's learning from my habits, good and bad.

I noticed it just lately -- he is fascinated by the computer and my cell phone. He is making mental notes while I chat with my mother. He's curious what I'm reading and cooking. He is developing his idea of "normal behavior" that will stick with him the rest of his life. Children learn from what we say, but so much more from what we do.

"Oh, Lord, make me better than I am!" This was our staff prayer the first year I taught at the Christian school in town. How much more I need it now! It is a divine mystery how my effort and God's grace work together to bring me to spiritual maturity, making me better than I am. My example is instructive for my son, so I pray and strive to make it an example worthy to be followed.

RESOURCES

How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!

Co-Workers

Every new mom needs co-workers.  Sharing the journey of motherhood helps me do it better and more joyfully.  When I transitioned from being a working wife to a homemaking momma, it took some time to find a network of co-workers, but it has come.  Here are my favorite types of friends for the new mommy... and where I found them:

*Other new mommies - There were two other pregnant ladies at the school where I worked while I was pregnant.  Our babies are all close in age and I love to compare notes with them.  Parenting is new to all of us so when we find something that works well for getting Baby to sleep or eat his veggies we can share the joy of discovery.

*One-step-ahead mommies - My sister has a baby, a toddler, and a preschooler.  Visiting with her and her sweet girls is a great way to get some hands-on job training.  My baby is headed for toddler-hood fast, and it's good for me to see how she handles her toddler... and how she manages three kids.  I can hear about her triumphs and mistakes and learn.  My son loves to watch and learn from his cousins too.  Another place I've found one-step-ahead mommies is the Mom's group at our church.  There are similar groups in most areas.

*Grandmas - My mom has been a lot further down the path of parenting.  So has my husband's mom.  They are great resources.  I can get caught up in "the way everybody does things" and forget that people have been having and raising babies for centuries.  The perspective that time grants can be useful to hear.  Our son's grandmas have had time to reflect on their mothering and can help me realize that the problem I'm dealing with today isn't as big as it might seem to me.  They remind me that "this too shall pass" ... and I'll miss it!

*One-step-behind mommies - I've only been a mommy for 8 months, but I like to think I've learned a few things.  It's nice when I get the chance to hold a littler-than-my-little-one and say "We had that struggle too.  What worked for us was ....".  We have a few couple friends who have had babies more recently than us and it is wonderful to return the favor of all the meals and gifts and doting we received when our son was born.

Some days it can feel like you're "in it alone" being home with Baby, but fellow laborers may be closer than you think.  When our son is napping and I've gotten the house clean already, one of my little luxuries is to pick up the phone and call one of my mommy co-workers for a chat.

RESOURCES
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms

You Are the Center of the Universe

You are.  Really.  You're the center of the Universe.  A mother is the very heart of her home.  What a privilege to be the wife and mother who sets the tone.  We are the ones who know where everything is; we decide when and what will be served at dinner. We are the social secretary, the discipline enforcer, the chief comforter, and so much more.

It is a sweet privilege, and also a great responsibility.  Who my children become and even who my husband becomes depends in great portion on me.  When I have confidence and patience and love for my son, he is secure, obedient and able to learn unhindered.  When I have encouragement, love, and respect for my husband, he is confident, productive, and loving.

But where do I get the strength to fill up my husband and son with love and confidence and other good things? Three things help me find this strength:

(1) Prayer and Devotional Bible Reading:  I don't do this at the same time everyday, but I make time to do it every day.  I love to lay on my bed with the Bible in front of me looking out the window and talking with God.  I ask Him to help me be who He made me to be.  God designed the family and only He can give me wisdom for parenting, motivation for cleaning, and love through it all.

(2) Naps:  I love to sleep.  I've always needed a lot of sleep, but my husband doesn't.  That can make it tough to get everything I need at night.  In the afternoon, while my baby is napping, I often do too.  I plan to keep doing that as he grows.  I think all preschool age kids benefit from "rest time" in the afternoon for an hour, even if they don't need to nap.

(3) Memory Making: Being a Mommy is such a great job!  Treasuring sweet moments with my husband and baby gives me more strength and motivation to do the job well.  I like to make a point of remembering my son's sweet face when he smiles and coos with me in the morning or the look of love in my husband's eyes.  When I stop and make a point of remembering the sweet things, those memories are there to call upon when the baby's crying or my husband and I can't seem to agree.

When Mommy sets the tone of the home, it's so important to get the rest and devotional time and memory-making you need.  Take a break this afternoon!

RESOURCES

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms

What's in a Name?

One of the most significant things we parents give our children is a name.  I'm not just talking about deciding whether to call the new little bundle Alex or Aaron, but about discerning who he is and communicating that to him.  This concept of "naming" sounds new to our modern ears, but it's been around for a while.  In the Bible we see God changing the names of his servants (Abram to Abraham, Saul to Paul, Simon to Peter etc.) to reflect their calling.  Ever since Adam (the first man) was assigned to name the animals, humans have been reflecting God's nature by naming.

Whenever a teacher or parent tells a child, "You know, you're really good at ______" or "You have a gift for _______," they are naming the child.  I remember a Mathematics professor in college telling me about the gift he saw in me with Math.  A high school Spanish teacher likewise pointed out how easily the language came to me.  I grew up to become a Math and Spanish teacher.  Those two helped name me.

As parents we are called to name our children in more varied and significant ways than just helping them pick a vocation.  The Bible admonishes us to "train up a child in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:6; emphasis added).  Dr. Allender suggests in How Children Raise Parents that naming a child is seeking out his natural bent.  What separates him from others?  What are his strengths and weaknesses?  What call of God do you sense on his life?

As we discover our child's name, we are then able to "train him up" in accordance with who he is.  We can give him opportunities to overcome weaknesses and grow in areas of strength.  We can inspire him by letting him know the gifts and callings we see in his life.  What a joy to help him grow into a man who knows his purpose.

RESOURCES
How Children Raise Parents
The Bible

Grown Up

"In most cases an expert or another parent will tell you unequivocally that it would have been far wiser to have done the exact opposite of what you chose to do. Parenting is an invitation to suffering because no one really knows what to do." (How Children Raise Parents p 139)

Oh, so true! When I am agonizing over whether Baby is ready to drop his third nap or getting enough to eat, I can count on finding someone (or myself) to tell me that what I just did was the wrong thing. I never knew how much my own contentment could be tied up in the wellbeing and happiness of another until having a child.

I care so immensely about him and yet I don't always know what's best for him. Should I bend my schedule so he learns flexibility or should I put his nap time above talking with a friend for 20 minutes more? Should I insist that he eat more than two bites of banana or let it go?

Whatever I do, it's easy for an onlooker to judge. It's easy for me to look back and think, "what I should have done was..." This is the suffering Dr. Allender talks about; the suffering of parenthood. I imagine it will only grow as my son grows.

Why have children then, if it invites such pain? A better man than I once said: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5:3-4). I know I'd like to have perseverance, character, and hope that is more than wishful thinking, but must I suffer to get them?

I think so. Maturity doesn't come easily. It costs something. We must not run from the difficulties inherent in parenting, but embrace them and allow perseverance to grow. Then someday while I'm busy persevering character will take root. Years later, when I look back on this process, I imagine I'll be able to look forward with a hope that is real and firm even in the face of further suffering. Oh, I want to be like that!

RESOURCES

How Children Raise Parents
The Bible

Raising the Next Generation

History tends to repeat itself. Most people intuitively sense this. Learning about the decadence of ancient Rome before it's fall reminded me eerily of our current society's pleasure-seeking ways. Historians William Strauss and Neil Howe have come up with a particularly interesting theory about a 4-generation-cycle that has repeated many times over in American History. For parents, it can be interesting to consider what kind of a world our children will grow up in and what skills they will need to confront it.

First there are "Stewards" in an Era of Blessing. These stewards tend to think highly of their duty to society. This other-focus allows the blessings of the age to take root. Often this is an era when the structure is laid from which future generations will benefit.

The next generation is "Builders" in an Era of Presumption. The blessings of the previous era begin to look like they were earned by hard work, so builders figure they can improve upon that. They set about designing a better future. According to the historians, the generation that fought WW2 was the most recent generation of builders.

Then a generation of "Rebels" points out the flaws in the Era of Awakening. This was the era of the Baby Boomers, who protested Vietnam and championed the Civil Rights Movement. It was an idealistic age where parents turned to the likes of Dr. Spock and focused on building self-esteem in their children.

The generation now young parents or teenagers are the "Activists" who reign during the current Era of Calamity. It is a rather cynical and world-weary era in which we live. It needs activists who crave something new and better and are willing to work and pray for it. Our children are born into this era which cries out for a fresh blessing.

When the tide will turn back to an era of blessing only God knows. It will begin and be sustained by God himself. We cannot make it happen. It is a wise parent who will raise his children to understand the duty and sacrifice that characterizes the Era of Blessing's "Stewards."

RESOURCES
How Children Raise Parents

The Biggest Questions

In every interaction, children implicitly ask their parents two life-defining questions. "Am I loved?" and "Can I have my own way?" How we as parents answer those questions will in large part determine the attitude with which our children face the world, even after they're grown.

The parents who say "No, you're not loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way" are on dangerous ground. They neither show their children the safety of intimacy nor proper respect for authority. Boys in these homes may learn to survive on their wits and girls on their bodies' assets. These children will be vulnerable to gangs or other dangerous friends as they look for a surrogate family to fill the place of their absent parents.

Indulgent and distant parents respond "Yes, you're loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way." Because they aren't willing to enforce rules, these parents can only offer their children a counterfeit love. While their children may be poised in public, they often lack the strength of conviction and character that come from discipline. They may cause trouble to see in anyone will care enough to enforce what's right.

Parents who answer "No, you're not loved" and "No, you can't have your own way" risk becoming rule-bound and dull. When parents fail to delight in their children, they take joy from the home. Children usually respond with polite disengagement.

The response of strength and delight is to say "Yes, you're loved" but "No, you can't have your own way." Parents who want to answer their children's questions well must be willing to take up the challenge of giving discipline and order to a child's life. The love they offer their children, however, must be fierce and not bound to the child's performance. Their children will be able to enter adulthood confident in what is right and in their own worth.

In every interaction, we must learn to read our children's underlying questions. When they break a rule, are they testing whether they can have their own way or whether we love them even when they fail? Developing the discernment and wisdom to meet my children's deepest needs appropriately will be a matter of time and prayer, I'm certain!

RESOURCES

How Children Raise Parents

The Privilidge of Parenting

How many children will there be in your family? One? Two? Four? Twelve? Studies have shown that only two percent of married adults plan a one-child family... yet 20% end up with one. Why? Well, it could be that, after the first baby arrived, they discovered that parenting was a lot of work. It also could be that they delayed children a bit too long and found conceiving more difficult than expected. I tend to think that both answers play a role. Parenting well is tough, beginning at conception!

Unfortunately, society isn't making the parent's job any easier. We are seeing a replay of the poor value system that brought about the demise of ancient Greece and Rome. As Will Durant observed back in 1939:

"Athens had ruined itself by carrying to excess the principles of liberty and equality, by training the citizens in such a fashion that they looked upon insolence as democracy, lawlessness as liberty, impudence of speech as equality, and license to do what they pleased as happiness." (Qtd. in Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids p 116)

To prevent a similar decay in our own society, mindful parents have quite a task ahead of them! Yet, parents have always been a significant influencing factor in the values their children develop. After all, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

Despite the glorification of selfishness in our society, we hold the greatest influence over our own children, especially in the formative years. Even once children begin attending school, parent's still have the lion's share of their time. Only 6 1/2 hours a day are spent at school, leaving parents 9 1/2 waking hours.

How will we handle these precious little people we've been loaned to raise? Let's train them well from the beginning, modeling and expecting good behavior, disciplining bad behavior, being available and loving them throughout. How the world needs us to be good parents!

RESOURCES

Start Your Family

Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids

Going Public

The Exemplary Life

Are you a perfectionist? I struggle with "needing" everything to be just so in order for me to be content. This is a tendency that I try to fight because I know it isn't good for me or those around me. Lately I've read of another reason:

"Adult children of workaholics [and probably perfectionists too] often end up in therapy with failing marriages, depression or a sense of anger they can't identify. At the heart of their troubles is a well meaning but absent parent who unconsciously taught them that you are judged by what you do, not who you are." (Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids, p 106)

I know that the attitudes I portray in my own life will wordlessly communicate to my kids. I want to be better so that they won't struggle with the same things I struggle with. I definitely don't want to teach my son that he has to "measure up" in order to be loved! I want him to know that he is highly valuable simply because he is an eternal soul created in the image of God. That means I have to really accept that truth about myself too.

It's OK if dinner was a little late or the baby's nap was shorter than I had hoped. Those things aren't what make me valuable as a mother or as a person. Even when I do everything "perfect" according to my own standards, I know that my own "righteousness is like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6) when it comes to God's even higher standards. Jesus' perfect life and substitutionary death are what attain perfection for me. That sweet truth is what I want to teach my son!

RESOURCES

Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids

The Bible

Transfer of Power

When I look at my little boy and watch him struggle for mobility, excited each time he rolls over, I know that God has only loaned him to me for a season. The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. But how and when does the transfer of power happen?

The mother who grants her toddler freedom too soon, says Dr. Dobson in Parenting Isn't for Cowards, is one of the most miserable people in the world. In Babywise II we are introduced to the concept of "Parenting within the funnel." Both books advocate granting freedoms to a child as he becomes able to handle them.

Dr. Dobson emphasizes the fact that some kids will do battle over any freedom they are not granted. These little ones must be restrained. If they don't learn at age 2 or 3 that someone else is an authority over them, they will have problems all through life.

A less common problem these days is withholding freedoms that the child is ready for. Especially as the teen years come, parents must be ready to let out the string on their child's kite. If we don't, how will he learn to soar? I haven't gotten to this stage yet, but I was blessed with parents who did it well. It was hard to leave the cozy nest of home, but I'm glad my parents helped me do that by granting some of the freedoms for which I pushed and even making me take some responsibilities when I was ready but not eager for them. May God grant you and me wisdom to do the same with our children.

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Parenting Isn't for Cowards

Humble Parenting

As any parent with more than one child can tell you, babies have personality. Contrary to what was previously thought, they are not "blank slates". A 30-year-plus study called the New York Longitudinal Study reports in the book Know Your Child about three of the most common baby temperaments.

First there's the "easy child." Interestingly, his temperament is usually diagnosed at a younger age than the other two. This is the laid back baby who doesn't make too many waves even when he's trying to tell you he has a dirty diaper. Dr. Dobson tells us these babies grow up to be "compliant" children. That doesn't mean this kid is necessarily better than another, but it means they seem to have less strength of self-will. This does make obedience a more natural response.

The "difficult child" is another temperament discernible in infancy (and obvious in toddlerhood!) that often persists through childhood. As a baby, he cries more frequently and tends toward irregular eating and sleeping schedules. As a toddler, he's more likely to throw a tantrum when he can't have his way. Dr. Dobson calls this the "strong willed" child because he seems to have more strength of self-will. In Parenting isn't for cowards, he points out that these children are more rebellious all the way through the teen years and often have a slower start taking on the responsibility of adulthood.

The "shy child" is the third baby-temperament found in the study. These kids aren't as explosive as the "difficult children," but they do tend to respond to frustrating or new situations by withdrawing.

While the parents of a compliant child might be tempted to take the credit and the strong-willed child's parents may feel the weight of guilt about his rebelliousness, Dr. Dobson points out that these basic temperaments are inborn. Parents are, however, responsible for how they handle their children. Parents of shy and compliant children need to make sure they are giving their kids the attention they need even when they don't demand it. Parents of strong-willed children need to win inevitable the battles of will.

My son is pretty laid back and I must say, it would be easy to dispense advice as though I "know it all." I find it useful to babysit other kids and learn some humility. Parents seem to accept guilt about their children awfully easily. I can help others by avoiding judgement and praying for them as they accept the tough job of parenting a strong willed child. Who knows what I'll get next, anyway?

RESOURCES

Know Your Child

Parenting Isn't for Cowards

How and Why to Avoid Child-Centered Parenting

There is a continuum in parenting. At one end is "Children should be seen and not heard" and at the other is child-centered parenting. The vogue right now is following the child's lead and sometimes even putting him in the center of the family. What's the harm in that?

In the short term, putting your child as your highest priority just seems easier, but Babywise 2 points out some of the many problems this will cause. (1) Child centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship, allowing partners to pull away from each other. (2) It creates a false sense of self-reliance in the child before he has the moral development to handle independence. (3) Because children aren't expected to give anything to the family, they have no family loyalty. They learn that people are only valuable for what you can get out of them. (4) Child centered parenting encourages selfish behavior in the child, which can lead parents to either abandon reasonable moral standards or create an adversarial relationship with their children. (5) It reacts to problems rather than preventing them.

Whew! What a list! So giving kids everything they ask for doesn't really make you a nice guy. It means that you deny your children what they need most from you: a parent. Kids can find friends in lots of places, but we are the ones God commissioned to be their primary authority figures.

I sure don't want my son to grow up selfish, incapable of loyalty, and with a false sense of self-reliance... but he's only a baby! Isn't this an issue for later days? Babywise 2 says there are plenty of things my husband and I can do right now to avoid child-centered parenting.

(1) Remind yourself that life doesn't stop when you have a baby. It changes, but you're still a sister, wife, and friend. Keep maintaining those relationships. Sometimes Junior will have to adjust. It takes more effort, but visiting my sister and letting our son nap at her house is worth it. It makes me a better mommy and teaches him that he's not the center of the universe.

(2) Have a weekly date-night. It's good for Baby to spend a little time in someone else's care. He'll learn that Mom and Dad have a special relationship and they always come back. Our weekly dates are good for me too. They remind me that my husband comes first. Staying home all day meeting Baby's needs, I sometimes need that reminder.

(3) Don't give up special gestures in you marriage. My husband made sure we had flowers on the table the whole first year of our marriage. When he still brings flowers home, it carries more than just a fragrant aroma. It reminds both of us that there's something special between the two of us in the midst of life's practicalities.

(4) Practice "Couch Time." Couch time is the first 15 minutes after Dad gets home from work spent with the husband and wife reconnecting where children can see them. This gives them a visual reminder that Mommy and Daddy love each other. It's also good for them to have to wait for Daddy's attention. It reinforces that they're not the center of the universe.

I'm glad to know there are some ways to teach our baby son that we love him but he isn't the only one who matters. Additionally, everything on the list is good for me too!

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Photo originally uploaded by DeaPeaJay
Creative Commons

He's got Daddy's Nose

How much of your child's personality is inborn and how much is influenced by his surroundings? I love the discussion that Toddlerwise has on the classic "Nature v. Nurture" debate. Drs. Ezzo and Bucknam point out that a child's personality is influenced by three factors: heredity, environment, and the child's choices.

Heredity factors come in two forms: the fixed and the flexible. Fixed traits are things like Daddy's nose and Mommy's need for lots of sleep. Flexible traits are things like a gift with music or numbers or a natural shyness. These flexible traits can be encouraged or discouraged through environment.

The child's choices play a role even from the beginning. Will he choose to surrender to sleep easily or will he choose to cry in protest? Will he choose to cry for Dad to push that toy closer or will he try to scoot over to it? As a child's abilities grow, so will the array of choices he has. The more he chooses to obey, the more ingrained obedience becomes. As he chooses to hold back from new experiences, shyness is reinforced.

Environmental factors include the training the child receives. Parents determine this entirely. A child won't develop moral traits like kindness, perseverance, and justice unless we teach him. Oh, what immense influence we parents have on who our children will become! As our son grows more aware of his surroundings, I am motivated to be a better person because I am his example of how life should be lived. Yet, good training is deeper than just being an example to our kids. We must structure their lives in a way that encourages good traits and discourages bad ones.

RESOURCES

Toddlerwise

Who Comes First?

You love your husband and you love your baby, but which is the higher priority? It seems that a lot of women, upon becomming mothers, lose track of the "wife" role. Many would even say kids should be more important than the husband. My advice is to avoid that mindset.

You had a husband before you had children, and someday when those kids leave the nest, it will be you and him again. He is your partner for life. Loving and caring for him ought to be a higher priority than loving and caring for your kids. How does it benefit you and your husband?

(1) You will feel loved and treasured just for who you are, rather than for all the needs you meet. Kids need a lot. The love they give is different, and more immature than the love husbands give.

(2) Your kids won't be able to manipulate you. Have you ever heard a toddler or teenager yell to Mom or Dad "I hate you!"? If that relationship is your deepest satisfaction in life, that statement will have more power than it should.

(2) When the kids are grown and gone, your life's significance won't leave with them. What a wonderful thing it is to make life sweet for your husband and to have more than 18 years to do it!

Now that isn't to say that loving the kiddos isn't pretty important too! They're actually best served when Mom and Dad's love for each other comes first, though. Here are some ways kids benefit from being Mom and Dad's second priority:

(1) They'll have a Mommy and Daddy who stay together. When Mom puts the kids ahead of Dad and Dad looks elsewhere for the attention he needs, divorce isn't far behind.

(2) They'll have a good model for their own marriages. It will be a joy to watch them form and live in healthy families of their own.

(3) They'll have freedom to leave the nest without guilt. It's not uncommon for youngest children to have anxiety and guilt when they go to school for the first time because they feel like they're abandoning Mommy. Knowing Daddy is enough for Mommy gives kids the freedom to spread their wings.

Babywise has a good suggestion of how to communicate your top relational priority to your kids. It's called "couch time." They suggest that after greating the kids, Dad and Mom spend 15 minutes or so on the couch catching up about the day without interruptions. It's important to spend this visable time making your relationship a priority when kids are awake and can see. It's good for them to know that Dad and Mom will be available for them after they've had their time to catch up.

RESOURCES

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

Babywise