Keeping Up with your Toddler: Why It Matters

OK, I admit it. My 17 month old has a million times more energy than his pregnant and often tired mom. There are usually at least 3 times during the day when I look at the clock and wish that nap or bed was just a little closer. There are games to play, books to read, meals to prepare, feed and clean up, potty times to manage, a house to keep up, and rules to enforce. Walking sure makes that last one a lot more time consuming!

Oh, but it is worth it to stay on top of the rules! Consistency in discipline is where a parent's power lies. If Junior gets away with playing with the dishwasher knobs just once because you're too tired to walk over there and enforce the "no" you just issued, your "no" just became weaker. You don't want that. A child who obeys Mom's verbal direction is a child who can be a joy. There are lots of years before this child is going to be out on his own.

I find myself sometimes being tempted to slip on this one. It would be so much easier to let him just fiddle with the knob. The dishwasher isn't on right now. But what about when it is and he messes it up next time? Or what about when you're out in public or at Grandma's house and he doesn't think Mom's "no" holds any water? Then you have to pay for taking the easy road earlier.

Now it's not that you have to say "no" to your dishwasher knobs. That's not the important part. Every parent will choose different rules. It is wise to think about how allowing or prohibiting something is going to play out when Junior is a little bigger and smarter, but what you choose to allow or prohibit really isn't the main thing. The main thing is that when you say "no," you follow through. For us that means a smack on the hand if the thing is touched anyway and being removed from the temptation for a minute or so if it's touched again. The punishment could be different for you. Again, the main thing is that you consistently apply the rule. Junior shouldn't haven any surprises.

Oh, you know this already, don't you? But it's hard! That kid's got so much energy and is so curious about everything (especially the off-limits stuff!). But keep up! You'll be so glad later when you have a child who obeys. I have seen just wonderful children in grocery stores who are helping and obeying. I know it's possible, but I also know it's not natural. Those Moms have worked hard to train their children.

Now, I know this sounds kind of cold. "Discipline." "Train." "Get them to obey." But it is actually a really kind thing for a parent to do. The Bible says "the Lord disciplines those he loves" (Proverbs 3:12). Toddlerwise reminds us that teaching obedience and order is training the "habits of the heart." The child who is accustomed to trusting Mom and Dad's word and complying will be a child whose heart is ready for obedience to the Lord. A selfish, self-willed person will have no end of trouble in life. A person who can obey and consider others will excel and enjoy life much more easily. Teaching our children obedience is giving them a wonderful gift.

Photo originally uploaded by juhansonin
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Parental Persistence

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originally uploaded by mikebaird

We have a culture of pushover parenting.  Don't believe me?  Look in the supermarket, where three-year-olds are often given treats to keep them from misbehaving.  Look at exhausted parents eyes, which have so many lines under them because Junior kept them up half the night tossing and turning in Mom and Dad's bed.  And look at the parenting magazines, which tell us that we must, at all costs, preserve our child's self esteem, even if he's a spoiled brat.  Everywhere we look, parents are trying to be their kid's friends.

Maybe we've forgotten that when becoming a parent means that we are responsible.  We are the authority.  That little baby came into the world without a clue how to fall asleep in his own bed, or obey Mom's "don't touch," or be kind.  He won't learn those things if someone doesn't teach him.



So let me encourage you, along with Betsy Hard, author of It Takes a Parent, to take those reigns of authority that come with the title 'Mom' or 'Dad.'  Put your baby to sleep in his own crib and don't get him up at the first protest tears.  Tell your toddler to pick up his toys, and follow through with a punishment if he doesn't.  Come up with some chores for your preschooler (make sure you teach him how to do them).  Don't let your grade schooler go to that party if his room isn't clean.  Require your teen to pay for gas in the car he uses.  Be the parent.  Teach responsibility.

I don't think there are any perfect parents out there, but lets be parents for our kids rather than friends.  Lets persevere even when the results aren't immediate and the culture is encouraging us to give up.  Babywise II says that a 1-year old is really only capable of obeying about 60% of the time when parents begin obedience training.  To get better results we'll need persistence throughout childhood.  Parenting is hard work.  It's filled with joy and love, but hard work nonetheless.  The more we accept the mantle of responsibility that comes with parenthood, the more we'll be able to enjoy our well behaved, kind hearted children.

RESOURCES
It Takes a Parent
Babywise II

One-Year-Old Routine

That first birthday is a big milestone!  It marks the end of babyhood, and the beginning of all things toddler.  After returning from a week away with my husband to our son's first birthday, I am very aware of the transition.  Junior is growing up!

 

In preperation ntr this new phase, I am reading Toddlerwise, which has some great suggestions for how to build a schedule for your one-year-old that will help him navigate these changes.  The authors suggest beginning by making a list of your goals for your child.  Then write out the fixed things in the day, like meals and naps, and fill in the rest of the schedule with activities that will allow Junior a chance to grow toward those goals.

 

I found the practice of writing all this out very helpful.  As Toddlerwise points out, it is preferable for parents to direct a toddler's day, teaching and guiding his curiosity, giving him a framework into which he can assimilate new knowledge.  The other alternative is to allow his little hands complete freedom of self direction and then chasing afterwards to pick up the messes.  Proactively planning out Junior's day will hopefully reduce some of the chaos and conflict of life with a toddler.  Sounds good for our son's developing mind and for Mommy's nerves.

 

Surely every family will have different goals and needs, but here's what I came up with for my little guy as a sample:

 

• 7:00am - Wake, Potty time, Bath (every other day), Sippy cup of milk, Breakfast
• 8:00am - Independent Play
• 8:45am - Free Play with Mom (Junior chooses the activity we play together, but we don't wander from activity to activity)
• 9:00am - Potty time, Book
• 9:15am - Naptime
• 11:00am - Wake, Sippy cup of milk, Potty time, Lunch
• 12:00pm - Structured Playtime (Mom picks the activity - right now we're working on sitting to play on a blanket for the first 5 minutes to develop focus and obedience then the rest of the time is more active play)
• 12:30pm - Outside Time / Walk / Visits / Errands (This segment really varies depending on the day and what I want to accomplish)
• 1:15pm - Potty time, Book
• 1:30pm - Naptime
• 3:30pm - Wake, Sippy cup of milk, Potty time
• 4:00pm - Structured Playtime with Mom (This is usually a learning activity at his little table like puzzles or helping him look at books)
• 4:15pm - Couch Time for Mom and Dad (When Dad gets home, he greats our son and then he has free play in the same room with us while we catch up on the day.  He doesn't get our attention until we're done talking)
• 4:30pm - Daddy Time (While Mommy finishes up dinner)
• 5:00pm - Dinner
• 5:30pm - Family Time
• 6:15pm - Potty time, PJ's, Bible story, Singing and cuddling
• 6:30pm - Bedtime

Photo originally uploaded by comedy_nose
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Momma is a Teacher

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originally uploaded by frankjuarez

This is true for my little boy twice over. He heard plenty of teaching in utero as he came along to the high school Spanish classes I taught. Now, as he is growing, he is seeing the teacher side of Momma more and more. Among other things, I teach him to fall asleep on his own, keep his hands off the electrical cords, use the potty, and brush his teeth. What do you teach your children?

It's an important question to consider as Baby approaches toddlerhood. What do you want to teach him? I am a much better mother when I keep in mind my long and short term goals. To get you thinking, here are just a few of the goals I am implementing with my 11-month-old:



Goal: Play Independently
Implementation: After breakfast each day, Junior knows he'll have 30-45 minutes of entertaining himself. I put him in his play-pen or a very small room that we have baby-proofed with the music on and some toys and books to play with. I say "have fun" and leave him to entertain himself for a while. We started with much shorter amounts of time when he was younger and have gradually worked up to this length. I'm glad to have a baby who doesn't whine to be entertained by me all the time and who is learning how to amuse himself.

Goal: Drink from a Sippy Cup
Implementation: After his morning nap and before lunch, I sit Baby on my knee and help him explore his sippy cup a bit. He likes to study it and take intermittent sips.  According to The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems, it can take up to a month for babies to master the art of sippy cup drinking. We haven't been at it that long, so I am patiently teaching.

Goal: Play well with others
Implementation: About once a week, we go to the library and spend some time in the play area with the kids who happen to be there. I sit near my son and if he takes someones' toy or behaves inappropriately, I tell him "no." He also periodically gets to play with his cousins ages 8 mo., 2 yrs, and 4 yrs. Again, I am there to supervise. For now, he doesn't play without parental supervision as we don't think he's quite ready for that freedom.

Goal: Enjoy music
Implementation: At nap time and bed time, I hold my son and sing "Amazing Grace."  He knows that song means sleep is coming soon, and it often brings on a yawn. While he plays alone, I put on classical music. When I go get him after "independent playtime," we dance around the room to that music. A few times a week, I play the piano while he plays in the same room. After a few songs, I hold him on my lap and let him explore the keys too.

Goal: Be bilingual
Implementation: During the weekdays while my husband is at work, I speak Spanish with our son. When Daddy is home, it's English time. This means that Junior hears many of the same things ("time to change your diaper," "Don't touch!," "I love you" etc.) in both languages on a daily basis. It's exciting to begin to see how he responds and understands to both languages now.

Without even trying, the home becomes a classroom to a growing baby. Every parent will have different strength and skills that they want to emphasize and teach. I am so thankful for the fine arts of conversation and friendship that my Mom modeled and taught.  I want to make it easy for my son to learn my strengths and hard to pick up my weaknesses. One way to do that is to think through my goals in parenting and be intentional about what I teach him.

RESOURCES
The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems: Sleeping, Feeding, and Behavior--Beyond the Basics from Infancy Through Toddlerhood
Babywise II: Parenting Your Pretoddler (5 to 15 Months)
On Becoming Toddlerwise

What Linus Really Needed

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originally uploaded by cplbasilisk

I never really contemplated Linus much until I read Dr. Wilkoff's book Is My Child Overtired? in which he explains this little boy in details that ring very true to my "mommy instincts." It's pretty simple really: He needs a nap.

In fact, if we parents aren't careful with how our little ones are allowed to use their blankies or other security objects, they could end up like Linus: napless too soon. Here's how Dr. Wilkoff recommends security objects should be used:

-It lives in the bed. When a child wants his security object, it is usually a sign that he is tired and needs to rest. If the object lives in the bed, he will form the association between that tired I-want-my-blankie feeling and his bed, where he sleeps.



-He can have it whenever he wants. So if he got hurt or disappointed and wants the comfort, it's still available. He's just got to hang out on his bed for a while.

-Take it with you when you expect him to sleep away from home. A long car ride or overnight at Grandma's are great exceptions to the "it lives in the bed" rule.

-Take it with you to traumatic places. If your baby needs to have a shot, it's not a bad idea to bring along the comforting blankie, but keep it hidden away in his diaper bag until he needs it.

When kids are allowed to carry their security objects everywhere with them, they are likely to give up their naps early. The child's desire for his security object is a sign for parents that their child is tired. It's also a great tool in meeting your child's sleep need.

RESOURCES
Is My Child Overtired?: The Sleep Solution for Raising Happier, Healthier Children

Organizing a Mind

Babies are like sponges.  They're always soaking up information.  While they're young is the best time to teach many new skills because learning comes so easily at that age.  Right?  We've all heard those statements followed by advertisements for music class or flash-cards or foreign language lessons.

Toddlerwise warns us that "Helping to stimulate an efficient knowledge processing system during the critical 14-40 month period is a 'must-attain' goal for toddler parenting" (p. 30).  Children must first gain a framework into which new information can be placed, and then they will be ready to assimilate facts and figures.  Toddlerhood is when the mind becomes organized, childhood is when it is ready to be filled with data, and in the teen years that data will be critically analyzed (So You're Thinking About Homeschooling).

So how can we help our little ones develop an organized mind?  The Toddlerwise strategy rejects two popular quick-fix parenting styles: (1) too much passive input (TV or videos) and (2) too much freedom.  They propose an alternative which will give Junior lots of opportunities to learn in an organized way and allow Mom to have days free from chaos: a daily routine.

A toddler's daily routine may include the following events, all "scheduled" at predictable times in the day:

*Room-time or Blanket-time - This is time that Junior spends playing on his own in a specific area for a set amount of time.  

*Free Playtime - This is when Junior picks the activity from some choices and then sticks with that activity for a set amount of time.  He doesn't need the freedom to jump from activity to activity all day long at his own whims.

*Structured Playtime - This is when Mom picks the activity for a set amount of time.  

*Playtime with Mommy and Daddy - It's nice if each child has a special time alone with you each day, even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes.  Scheduling other children's days allows this freedom.

*Nap time - Toddlers usually need a morning nap until about 18 months and an afternoon nap until 3-4 years of age.

*Playtime with friends - Story time at the library or a play date is a great way to get in some social time with kids his own age.

Some parents will naturally be more structured and others slightly more relaxed, but the basic predictable pattern is a great help to both kinds of parents.  Without scheduling your child's day, chaos will tend to reign, and this is not good for Junior's learning or Mom's sanity.  An organized day with a toddler can be a thing to relish.

RESOURCES

Toddlerwise
So You're Thinking About Homeschooling