The parents who say "No, you're not loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way" are on dangerous ground. They neither show their children the safety of intimacy nor proper respect for authority. Boys in these homes may learn to survive on their wits and girls on their bodies' assets. These children will be vulnerable to gangs or other dangerous friends as they look for a surrogate family to fill the place of their absent parents.
Indulgent and distant parents respond "Yes, you're loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way." Because they aren't willing to enforce rules, these parents can only offer their children a counterfeit love. While their children may be poised in public, they often lack the strength of conviction and character that come from discipline. They may cause trouble to see in anyone will care enough to enforce what's right.
Parents who answer "No, you're not loved" and "No, you can't have your own way" risk becoming rule-bound and dull. When parents fail to delight in their children, they take joy from the home. Children usually respond with polite disengagement.
The response of strength and delight is to say "Yes, you're loved" but "No, you can't have your own way." Parents who want to answer their children's questions well must be willing to take up the challenge of giving discipline and order to a child's life. The love they offer their children, however, must be fierce and not bound to the child's performance. Their children will be able to enter adulthood confident in what is right and in their own worth.
In every interaction, we must learn to read our children's underlying questions. When they break a rule, are they testing whether they can have their own way or whether we love them even when they fail? Developing the discernment and wisdom to meet my children's deepest needs appropriately will be a matter of time and prayer, I'm certain!
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