Becoming a Man Starts Early!

The first relationship a baby ever has is with his mother. She carries him in the womb and becomes his primary source of food and comfort after birth. She provides much of the nurture and love and gentleness he needs in the early months.

This certainly doesn't mean that Dad's world isn't turned on end by the birth of a child too! He now has another family member to support, and Baby needs his love and care too. Mom could use a shoulder to cry on from time to time as well during those emotional first months.

According to Ralf Greenson quoted in Bringing Up Boys (pg 120), between 18 months and 3 years of age, Dad has a new role to play for his boys. It is in this time period that a little boy notices that Mommy is a girl and Daddy is a boy. He must decide who he will be like.

Femininity is the default. Babies and toddlers live in a world of women. Women are the almost always the primary caregivers. Masculinity, however, involves a choice. A little boy must begin to pull away from Mother and associate with Father during this crucial period.

It's very important that little boys see their Dad as someone to emulate and respect during this period (though surely this is important at many developmental phases). Mom can help her little boy develop his masculine identity by affirming and respecting Dad. Dad can help his son by spending time with him and showing him what a "man's world" is and how it differs from the "women's world" he lives in with Mom.

Men often prefer to have something to "do" with a baby, so sometimes structure helps. Here are some ways we incorporate "Daddy Time" into our 6-month-old's life:

1. When we brought our son home from the hospital, his Dad took great pride in changing all the diapers when he was home. There are times with that's not feasible with the projects around the home we have going now, but it's something he enjoys helping with when he can. That's even a large part of the reason we use cloth diapers! My husband researched the costs and really encouraged me on that.

2. Another special Daddy time is during Church. My husband enjoys keeping him quiet during the service. It's a special time for him to hold his son for a longer period of time, and it's a great chance for me to give more of my attention to what the pastor is saying.

3. In the evenings, I try to make a point to let my husband play with our son for a while without me in the room. We noticed around 4 months that our son would look at me whenever his Daddy played with him as if to ask, "Is this OK?" It is! I want to send the message loud and clear, so I let them play alone a bit.

There's plenty of childcare to go around, so it's good to share it! I've also found, as the Mommy, that it can be hard to let my husband do things because he often does them differently than I would. I really have to remind myself to not tell him the 'right' way to do things. If I do that, he'd always be asking, and I would miss the break!

RESOURCES

Bringing Up Boys

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer