Ready for "Why?"

"Clean your room."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

Hmm... What did Junior learn there? Did he learn that Mom is to be obeyed, or that Mom makes arbitrary rules? The answer probably depends on how old Junior is. According to Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs, there is a progression to how much of an explanation should accompany discipline.

Infants (below 6 months of age) really can't understand discipline at all. They only know to cry when they're uncomfortable. While I do agree with that, I do think that infants can be trained to lay still while being diapered or to sleep through the night with some thoughtful parenting (more on that in other posts - see Babywise).

Toddlers and preschoolers often ask "Why?" because they want to understand how the world works. For them, obedience is good and disobedience is bad. They don't really need a complex discussion of the virtues of a clean room. "Because I said so" is generally enough of an explanation.

School age children are increasingly able to understand "why" and should be given clear explanations when the situation allows. Be careful to avoid arguing, though. Obedience still ought to be required, but a respectful discussion of "why" can follow after the child has obeyed.

Teenagers require a different kind of "child training." If "Because I said so" is the only answer they get to "Why?", they will simply learn that Mom and Dad don't really have good reasons and don't deserve their respect. Harley suggests that parents ought to have respectful discussions with their teenagers as much as possible. Teens often doubt most everything their parents say, but a parent's respectful consideration of their doubts can go a long way in teen training.

One point of Harley's that I really appreciate regards the kinds of rules we parents make. There can be a temptation to make rules that will simply make our lives as parents easier. Yet we have an opportunity to teach our children thoughtfulness by making rules motivated by kindness and respect of all in the household. Even before the reason behind a rule can be understood, it's a good idea to have a "why." This will teach our kids that decency and politeness are the best way to live and that Mom and Dad have substance behind them to be respected.

RESOURCES

Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs