Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Boundaries are important. Part of the job of parenting is teaching kids their boundaries. Inside the "fence" of each person are his feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Outside each person's "fence" lay everyone else's feelings and choices. We can control ourselves but not others. Seems simple, but it's hard to practice ourselves, let alone teach it to kids. Here are some tips.

When a child is attempting something new, don't rush in to help right away. Let it be his. For example, my 5 month old is learning how to sit up. He doesn't have it down yet, so often he flops over into rather uncomfortable looking positions. My mother-urge is to swoop him up right away and say "Oh, you poor baby! Are you OK?" But I've found that usually, he IS alright if I don't suggest crying to him. If I sit back a little bit and wait for him to call out if he needs help, he can learn to take ownership of his body a little bit more. He can handle the emotions or uncomfortable position, or he can practice getting out of it. I'm surprised how tough he is sometimes!

Use logical, rather than emotional, consequences. When a child misbehaves, it's tempting to give them "grace" by not punishing them appropriately. It's easier in the short term. But then it backfires when Junior keeps misbehaving (which he will do since there was no consequence). The parent gets frustrated and even angry with the child. Then the punishment is emotional. Your anger is the punishment. It's much kinder to take away a privilege or spank than it is to hold a grudge against your child. Do the hard work of following through with punishment and keep your emotions out of it.

Offer compassion when Junior encounters an unpleasant limit. There is great power a statement like "I know. I hate it when I have to clean up too. Better get it done." The rule is separate from you as a parent. You love the child and have compassion for the difficult job of growing up, but you don't take away the boundary. That would rob your child of the chance to gain maturity.

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Boundaries with Kids