His and Hers Parenting

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originally uploaded by jencu

When two people marry, they bring their distinct backgrounds, traditions, and ideas of "normal" together.  In marriage, however, "the two shall become one."

 The molding of our separate selves into a cohesive couple has been fodder for many an interesting conversation in our house. Where will we spend Christmas? How much will we spend? Which church will we attend? How will we educate our children? There are so many instances in which two opinions must somehow come together because we can only make one decision.

But what about parenting? Do we have to agree on how to order our son's day? How about what he eats? What about discipline? Inconsistency would confuse him, right?



Not exactly. Mr. Rogers says in Many Ways to Say I Love You that "Consistency is helpful and even necessary for children's healthy emotional growth, but the consistency I mean is each parent's separate consistency."

Even babies can tell the difference between Mommy-play and Daddy-play. Even as a young baby, our son would smile and wave his arms and coo at Dad to ask for a wild ride through the air and kisses on his tummy. He shrieks and laughs when Daddy plays with him. But when he's tired or mildly overwhelmed by a room full of people, he has a strong preference for Mommy's comforting arms.  When he plays with Mom, he "talks" more and squeals less.  He's no dummy; he can tell the difference between Mommy and Daddy.

When I taught Jr. High and High School Spanish, I noticed that different teachers often had very different experiences with a particular student. If one teacher was lenient with a strong-willed student, his behavior would be poor in that class. Another teacher, who enforced consistent discipline would not have the same problem (after some initial testing of boundaries).  Each authority figure gets the amount of good behavior they enforce from a child.

Now this isn't to say that parent's don't need to agree about some things. It's helpful for a child to have some constants in life... but it's OK if Dad does things a little differently. As with so many "two become one" conversations my husband and I have had in our marriage, this one will be ongoing. It's wonderful to see how, over time, our separate opinions come together anyway.

RESOURCES
Many Ways to Say I Love You: Wisdom for Parents and Children from Mister Rogers