Write it Down

Parenting is a big task.  There won't be a 'finished product' for a few years yet.  How are you doing?  It's hard to say a lot of the time, isn't it?  In the midst of enforcing the rules, making meals, feeding, cleaning, wiping, loving, putting down for naps, supervising play, and all the rest it can be hard to really know how things are going.  There aren't any performance reviews.  While no one is asking you to write things down, it can really help in a lot of ways;

1.  Goals:  

My husband is always making and evaluating goals in his corporate job.  When we got married he wanted to make goals for our first year of marriage and I thought it seemed a little silly... but then when the year was over and we looked them over, it was really nice to be able to see how we had focused our energies on certain areas.  We had achieved a fair number of our goals, and our lives were moving along the way we hoped.  I know you can't control life by setting goals, but it can help you focus your energy on what's important to you rather than just floating along letting life happen to you.



2.  Daily Routine:


It's common knowledge that kids thrive on routine, with events like meals and naps happening at the same times everyday.  My son was on a consistent Babywise eat-wake-sleep schedule as a baby which gradually stretched from every 3 hours at birth to every 4 (and longer at night, thankfully!).  As a baby, that was really all the routine he needed.

Now, as a 1 year old, that 'wake' period is much longer and I want to fill it with activities that reinforce my parenting goals.  I wanted to make sure we had time for independent play, blanket time, potty practice, active play, and reading each day.  So I wrote up a routine that I thought would work for us ... and then tweaked it a bit to find something that really did work.  Then I put the revised version up on the fridge to remind me.  I am now much more consistent with making sure those activities happen each day, and my son knows what to expect when.

I've also read in Ask Supernanny that older kids will begin to refer to the schedule too and even start to set the table when meals are coming up.  So this is a practice I want to keep up as our family grows!

3.  Rules:


Since our son is still pretty young, our rules are pretty simple (don't touch electrical cords, don't drop food, stay off the stairs etc.), but it's good for my husband and I to be on the same page about them.  For example, I do not let my son play in the refrigerator.  It is a 'no.'  He often hangs out in the kitchen with me and it would be a pain to have to keep pulling him away from it.  He points and looks wistfully at the fridge, but doesn't bother it.  Now when my husband came home from work one day and let our son play in there (supervised) because it was so cute, we really didn't have consistency and I had to work a little harder on being the fridge guard for a few days.  We got some cute pictures and it wasn't a big deal, but there were some complications.

I imagine as our son's memory grows, consistency will become even more important.  I am planning to write up some rules and post them in a visible location when our son gets older.  That will make things easier for babysitters, as well as for my son and me.

4.  Memories:


Everyone tells new parents how fast time flies... and now that our son is a year old and I look back over his baby pictures, I believe them!  His baby book thankfully had lots of lines for recording his firsts as well as my own thoughts and his baby stories.  I know this will be valuable to me as he grows, and hopefully he will value it too.  I imagine it is harder to write down as much for kids who aren't the first-born, but it's probably worth it to make it a priority.  If we don't record their childhood moments, it will be gone.  Those memories help me see how far I've come.

So grab a pencil and some paper and write stuff down!

RESOURCES
On Becoming Baby Wise: The Classic Sleep Reference Guide Used by Over 1,000,000 Parents Worldwide
Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know

Photo originally uploaded by orangeacid
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Let Him Lead

A common complaint of many wives is that "He won't lead." Whether that applies to spiritual leadership, initiating dates, or disciplining the kids, it's bound to contribute to an unhappy marriage. Mom feels like a lot is on her shoulders, and Dad feels... what?

I'll bet he feels disrespected and pushed out of the family a little. I'll bet that Mom has a little bit of a role to play in this "he won't lead" problem. I'll bet she has a hard time following.

We've heard the feminism message loud and clear. Decisions should be 50/50. Housework should be 50/50. Childcare should be 50/50. That doesn't leave a lot of room for a husband to lead. He'll only be accused being a 'male chauvinist pig.' Feminism has robbed men of their place in the family.

So, what's your husband's place in your family? What do you do when your husband helps out? Do you tell him exactly how to complete a home/child task? Do you re-do it because he didn't do it 'right'? Do you respect his opinions or respond forcefully when you disagree? How about spiritual decisions like what Church to go to? Who leads that discussion?

In a marriage, both husband and wife have a roll to play. Leading is tough. Our men deserve some respect for carrying that mantle. Following well is an art. I don't do it perfectly. I have to check my temper, my perfectionism, and my controlling nature in order to let my husband lead. He doesn't always lead perfectly, either. When I imperfectly respect my husband's imperfect leadership, he imperfectly loves me the way I long for. Marriage can be a beautiful dance when we both have grace for each other's mistakes.

RESOURCES
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Photo originally uploaded by Photoportunity
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Is it dinnertime yet?

David has likes to hang out with me when I cook and has always been interested in the fridge... which I don't let him play in. Then Dad came home from work and decided to 'help' watch David. He was so excited that he got to play in there, he really wanted to crawl up with the eggs. And now he just casts wistful, longing looks at the fridge when I tell him 'no.' Cute, but not convincing enough for Mom :)

Introduction to the Tire Swing

David's Duet with Daddy

This looks cuter than it sounds. David loves the piano.

Parental Persistence

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originally uploaded by mikebaird

We have a culture of pushover parenting.  Don't believe me?  Look in the supermarket, where three-year-olds are often given treats to keep them from misbehaving.  Look at exhausted parents eyes, which have so many lines under them because Junior kept them up half the night tossing and turning in Mom and Dad's bed.  And look at the parenting magazines, which tell us that we must, at all costs, preserve our child's self esteem, even if he's a spoiled brat.  Everywhere we look, parents are trying to be their kid's friends.

Maybe we've forgotten that when becoming a parent means that we are responsible.  We are the authority.  That little baby came into the world without a clue how to fall asleep in his own bed, or obey Mom's "don't touch," or be kind.  He won't learn those things if someone doesn't teach him.



So let me encourage you, along with Betsy Hard, author of It Takes a Parent, to take those reigns of authority that come with the title 'Mom' or 'Dad.'  Put your baby to sleep in his own crib and don't get him up at the first protest tears.  Tell your toddler to pick up his toys, and follow through with a punishment if he doesn't.  Come up with some chores for your preschooler (make sure you teach him how to do them).  Don't let your grade schooler go to that party if his room isn't clean.  Require your teen to pay for gas in the car he uses.  Be the parent.  Teach responsibility.

I don't think there are any perfect parents out there, but lets be parents for our kids rather than friends.  Lets persevere even when the results aren't immediate and the culture is encouraging us to give up.  Babywise II says that a 1-year old is really only capable of obeying about 60% of the time when parents begin obedience training.  To get better results we'll need persistence throughout childhood.  Parenting is hard work.  It's filled with joy and love, but hard work nonetheless.  The more we accept the mantle of responsibility that comes with parenthood, the more we'll be able to enjoy our well behaved, kind hearted children.

RESOURCES
It Takes a Parent
Babywise II

Heirs Together

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originally uploaded by boo!berry

How's your "to do" list looking?  Is it pretty full?  Do you find yourself often on the edge of exhaustion from all the busyness?  If so, you're not alone!  We seem to have a cult of busyness in our society.  We pack our schedules full of errands, lunches with friends, bible studies, volunteering, classes for the kids, and a million other things that all sound pretty noble.

But at the end of the day, we collapse into bed without having made a connection with the most important person in our lives.  "Many husbands and wives are running circles around each other, seldom meeting in the middle" (Created to Be His Help Meet p. 280).  That means that husband and wife are left more or less alone.



But why did God create marriage in the first place?  Wasn't it because it was "not good" (Genesis 2:18) for man to be alone?  He made woman to be a "suitable helper" (Genesis 2:18) for him.  In our busyness, perhaps we wives have lost sight of this high and noble purpose.

Too many activities can mean more "pursuits of vanity"(Created to Be His Help Meet p. 280) than helpful activities for our family.  I do find that it's difficult to keep everything running smoothly at home when my day involves a lot of phone time or a long visit with a friend or an ambitious volunteering activity.  Now certainly maintaining relationships and being generous with my time can be good things to do, but it is important to keep my priorities in the correct order.  My first loyalty is to God, my husband and children, then extended family, neighbors, and the world beyond.

RESOURCES
Created to Be His Help Meet

Happy Birthday David!

Our little man's first year has flown by! He turned 1 on March 5th and we had a fun little party to celebrate. Both sets of grandparents as well as some Aunts and cousins were able to come. Of all his neat toys and snazzy clothes, David's favorite toy was the tag on this gift bag.

That's not to say he was keen on sharing his new treasures...

And here's his cake. He was more interested in the bananas on top and not quite sure what to do with such a big thing on his plate.

Happy birthday, little man! It is such a blessing to watch you grow!

One-Year-Old Routine

That first birthday is a big milestone!  It marks the end of babyhood, and the beginning of all things toddler.  After returning from a week away with my husband to our son's first birthday, I am very aware of the transition.  Junior is growing up!

 

In preperation ntr this new phase, I am reading Toddlerwise, which has some great suggestions for how to build a schedule for your one-year-old that will help him navigate these changes.  The authors suggest beginning by making a list of your goals for your child.  Then write out the fixed things in the day, like meals and naps, and fill in the rest of the schedule with activities that will allow Junior a chance to grow toward those goals.

 

I found the practice of writing all this out very helpful.  As Toddlerwise points out, it is preferable for parents to direct a toddler's day, teaching and guiding his curiosity, giving him a framework into which he can assimilate new knowledge.  The other alternative is to allow his little hands complete freedom of self direction and then chasing afterwards to pick up the messes.  Proactively planning out Junior's day will hopefully reduce some of the chaos and conflict of life with a toddler.  Sounds good for our son's developing mind and for Mommy's nerves.

 

Surely every family will have different goals and needs, but here's what I came up with for my little guy as a sample:

 

• 7:00am - Wake, Potty time, Bath (every other day), Sippy cup of milk, Breakfast
• 8:00am - Independent Play
• 8:45am - Free Play with Mom (Junior chooses the activity we play together, but we don't wander from activity to activity)
• 9:00am - Potty time, Book
• 9:15am - Naptime
• 11:00am - Wake, Sippy cup of milk, Potty time, Lunch
• 12:00pm - Structured Playtime (Mom picks the activity - right now we're working on sitting to play on a blanket for the first 5 minutes to develop focus and obedience then the rest of the time is more active play)
• 12:30pm - Outside Time / Walk / Visits / Errands (This segment really varies depending on the day and what I want to accomplish)
• 1:15pm - Potty time, Book
• 1:30pm - Naptime
• 3:30pm - Wake, Sippy cup of milk, Potty time
• 4:00pm - Structured Playtime with Mom (This is usually a learning activity at his little table like puzzles or helping him look at books)
• 4:15pm - Couch Time for Mom and Dad (When Dad gets home, he greats our son and then he has free play in the same room with us while we catch up on the day.  He doesn't get our attention until we're done talking)
• 4:30pm - Daddy Time (While Mommy finishes up dinner)
• 5:00pm - Dinner
• 5:30pm - Family Time
• 6:15pm - Potty time, PJ's, Bible story, Singing and cuddling
• 6:30pm - Bedtime

Photo originally uploaded by comedy_nose
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Dominican Republic Trip (Part 3 of 3)

While we were away, I both missed and did not miss little David. On the flight down, every baby caught my attention and I was so aware of the luxury of travelling without worrying about how to fit David's naps or meals or diaper changes into the schedule. While we were there, I was mostly fancy free and not missing him or worrying about him too much... unless someone brought it up. It was good to be able to use my spanish skills and be helpful outside the context of mothering. It was also good to have adventures and make memories and reconnect with Lucas. Then on the trip back, our flights were delayed and we ended up spending another night away from home. My arms were really aching for my little guy.

(saying bye)

When we came to Grandma Berni and Grandpa Karl's house to pick David up, I was a little nervous that he would be mad at us for leaving or have forgotten about us. We were so glad to find our little man happy to see us, healthy and well cared for, and proud to show off his new skills of pulling up, cruising, and waving. He had a great time while we were gone, but didn't forget about us.

(coming back)

Dominican Republic Trip (Part 2 of 3)

Since we were in the Carribean, after all, Lucas and I spent a few days after the Missions Trip on our own exploring the Dominican Republic. After a week of building cement block walls, laying on the beach was a welcome break!
We stayed at a Bed and Breakfast just outside the beach town of Sosua on the north shore. It was a beautiful, tranquil spot away from the hubbub of Dominican life. Here's Lucas relaxing by the pool before breakfast.
And here's is the view of the sunset from the breakfast nook. Our room was the top of that tower.
Then we spent a few days exploring the colonial district of the capital, Santo Domingo. Here I am in the Parque Colon (= Colombus Park) with the cathedral built in the 1500's behind me. There was a Spanish style plaza outside the cathedral with sidewalk cafe's all the way around. It was a lovely way to people watch in the plentiful shade:
Here's the ruins of the first hospital in the "New World." We had a great time walking around and seeing the colonial "firsts" in the city. We also somehow ended up on the wrong side of the fortress wall around one side of the old city and had rather a time finding a way back in.
The country's Independence Day was that weekend and it seemed that every elementary school class in the city took a field trip around the historical sights. Here is a classes observing the national anthem in el Parque Independencia (= Independence Park) which was right by our hotel.

And here we are in the evening with Christopher Colombus' son's palace behind us. It was pretty all lit up at night with a great big Spanish plaza in front of it. During the day it was really hot on that big plaza, but a night it was lovely.
The night before we left, we were able to connect up with Pastor Agapito who was helping on the Missions Trip and visit his church in Santo Domingo. They love to worship in his church, and the style shows the African influences in the country I think. Even though they were singing in Spanish, I had trouble catching very many words. Here they are singing about how powerful our God is:

Dominican Republic Trip (Part 1 of 3)

I'm a little delayed in putting up these pictures from Lucas and my trip down to the Dominican Republic as it's taken a while to get "caught up" at home. We were gone for a week and a half in Feb. and David's Hedding Grandparents took great care of him while we were away. The first half of our trip was a Missions Trip with our Church. We helped finish the walls in a Latin America Child Care (an organization like Compassion International) school that is connected to a Church in San Francisco de Macoris, Dominican Republic. It was hard work and lots of fun!

Here is an evening of relaxation after work at the Pastor's house. It seems a national pastime here is dominoes. The pastor was my partner (he's the one you can't see) and he was a pro so I got to win a lot!

While we were working on the walls in the school, ALL of the kids classes were moved into the Church sanctuary. Um, it was a little noisy. Here they are praying before school started:

Here we are having lunch in one of the finished classrooms. The unfinished ones only have walls half way up.

On Sunday, Pastor Agapito had me translate for his sermon so the Americans could follow along. It was a little intimidating to translate in front of such a crowd. I only had to ask the pastor to clarify a few times though.

Here Lucas and I are working together on the wall that will separate the Church and the School. It was a little noisy with all those kids right behind us. The dominican foreman, Tino, thought it was neat the Lucas and I were always working together. He told me, "Melissa, you are always with your husband. That's beautiful."

Here I am getting to know some of the 4th graders. They were scared of me until the last day when they all decided to become my friends.

Here are Lucas and Pastor Agapito with their hammers. Pastor understood more English than he could speak and he was very cheerful and enjoyed getting to know the Americans. It's nice we all smile and point in the same language.

We also brought down some shoes in our luggage that were donated here in the US to give to the kids. Here's one of the younger recipients.

More to come on the second half of our trip and how David did while we were gone...

Gone Fishing

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originally uploaded by David Paul Ohmer

So where have I been all this time?  Off on a missions trip / vacation with my husband!  It was wonderful for our marriage, our son, and our family.  Why?

1.  Going away helped us remember why we got married in the first place -- we're great friends!  We got to work on the same missions project together (laying bricks is work enough for two!), make new friends together, and explore the Dominican Republic together.  We got to have long uninterrupted conversations in restaurants and get lost and found again among the first buildings ever built in the New World.  It was great fun and has renewed our vision for life together.


2.  Going away refreshed me for the 24/7 job of mothering.  I saw other people with their babies and toddlers and watched other baby-free people watching them.  I gained a new perspective for how precious and short is the time we'll have with our son at home.  I find I am much more patient and able to make wise choices in my parenting since returning.  I'm really having fun with my job as a mother.

3.  Going away gave our son a wonderful opportunity to experience the love and care of his grandparents and aunt.  That relationship is precious and we want to encourage it.  It's neat to see how our son has a special and unique bond with each of them now.  He still loves his Mommy and Daddy and was happy to see us, but it's good for him to be able to find security and build relationships with his extended family as well.

In their parenting seminars, Mark and Jill Savage recommend daily dates ("How was your day?" conversations), weekly dates (the familiar date-night concept), and yearly dates with your spouse.  The yearly date is something like a weekend away or a vacation with just the two of you.  After our get-away, I would have to say, theirs is great advice!

RESOURCES
Jill Savage's blog
Mark Savage's blog