Thoughtful Stroller Use

I have a confession to make. I love strollers. My 8 month old has a snap-n-go I can put his car seat on, a too-cute Jeep Wrangler umbrella stroller and a double jogging stroller. They all seemed so vital to parenting when I bought them. But.... I kind of prefer to carry him if I can. I love to have him close to me and he's not that heavy yet.

In her book, Slow and Steady Parenting, Dr. Catherine Sanderson recommends we parents do a little cost-benefit analysis of strolling with our kids.

Benefits:

(1) They help you get tasks done without breaking your back.

(2) They have those great baskets underneath for carrying a bunch of kid-gear.

(3) They keep the curious, dawdle-prone toddler moving along at a decent clip.

(4) You can have your hands mostly free for shopping or whatever else you're doing.

Costs:

(1) The baby misses snuggle time in your arms.

(2) Kiddos wiz by the world too fast to explore it.

(3) It can get boring for the already-walking toddler who would prefer to be moving those legs.

(4) Mom arrives home tired from pushing them and kids arrive home with energy to burn.

Perhaps there is a better way to use my strollers than just toting Junior everywhere because it's what "everybody else" does. For active babies like my 8-month-old, short errand trips and walks are best because they allow him more time at home to roll around on the floor and practice his budding motor skills. For toddlers who can walk, it may be better to let them even if it takes longer to get things done. They'll learn a lot, get some exercise, and arrive home tired enough to nap well.

There are many seemingly convenient ways to parent in the short term that turn out to be harder in the long term. This is one I hadn't thought through, and I'm glad for the opportunity to do so. I will continue to use my beautiful plethora of strollers with great joy, but I will use them only on those occasions when they are truly worth the cost.

RESOURCES

Slow and Steady Parenting

Jeep Wrangler All-Weather Umbrella Stroller in Fierce

Beginning Conversations

Like most parents, I am happy to help my son develop his language skills. I talk to him (in Spanish and English!) and sing to him and read him stories. What helps the most, though, might not even always involve words.

Studies have shown that the language center in babies' brains is most stimulated when there is a two-way "conversation" going on between Baby and caregiver. Any time Baby responds to Mom or vice versa, learning is greatly increased.

A great communicator herself, my mother seemed know this intuitively. All of her children were quick to pick up language and when I see her interacting with my son it's easy to see why. She looks in his eyes and makes faces and noises. He loves it! He coo's back and kicks his legs. He loves "talking" to grandma.

I see similar reactions from him whenever someone really engages with him. Looking in his eyes pulls the adult into his delightful world of discovery. Another way to delight Baby is to repeat his sounds. He loves to hear his "words" in my mouth. Before long, I hope he'll be imitating me too.

Talking with Baby is such a joyful way to boost his learning!

RESOURCES

The Secret Language of Children

Workin' Hard at Playin'

David has recently discovered his legs - and they're faster than a speeding camera shutter!
But he can calm down and be quite content and happy in Daddy's arms.
Or reading a book with Mommy. He tries to grab the pictures off of the page. I don't think he gets that they're just pictures yet.
And he's busy "talking" ... if only I could figure out what it means more of the time!

Learning for the Pre-Toddler (5 to 15 months)

Story hour. Music class. Flash cards. Educational toys. New and exciting opportunities abound to encourage learning for Baby. It's tempting to think you have to buy the latest thing or sign up for a class to optimize his potential, but some of what Baby needs most is just good old fashioned planning and organization in his day. Here are Babywise II's suggested Planned Learning Activities that you can do at home:

1. Independent Playtime: This is a regular, scheduled part of Baby's day which Mom sets aside for him to practice focusing on a limited number of toys. Set Junior in his playpen (switch to "room time" at about 18 months) with a few toys and let him play by himself without you in sight for a while. When Independent Playtime is over, help Baby clean up before moving on to the next activity. This simple practice will yield great dividends in his ability to concentrate, develop creativity, sustain his attention span, enjoy self play, and develop orderliness.

Now certainly you don't want to overuse this and ignore Baby. How long is appropriate?

First few months of life - 10 to 20 minutes 2x / day

Baby can sit alone - 15 - 30 minutes 2x / day

Baby begins to crawl - 30 - 45 minutes 1-2x / day

15-20 months - 1 hour (can move to room time) 1x / day

If you begin "late," start with a short amount of time (5 or 10 minutes) and gradually work up to longer independent playtimes.

2. Time With Family Members: This is when Mom or Dad is bathing, changing, and feeding Baby. It's also when the family is playing with him. There are those sweet cuddling moments too. There's no "right" amount of time to spend on these things.

Do notice if Baby becomes particularly clingy to Mom (or whoever is the primary care giver). If he refuses to go to Dad or whines when put down he may be becoming overly dependent on Mom for entertainment or comfort. Allowing others to help care for baby and ensuring he's getting his "daily dose" of independent playtime can help. We have just had a bit of fussing when Mom leaves the past week or so and I am seeing the great value in letting Dad change diapers and Grandma babysit. Those things are good for me, but also good for him.

3. Free Playtime: This is time when Baby can play with toys of his choosing at a designated "play center." A play center is simply an area where toys are kept. Rather than scattering them throughout the house, it's a good idea to have a baskets of toys in convenient areas for Baby to spend his playtime.

Don't let Junior roam the whole house looking for amusement. Teach him to stay in the area you've defined. You can practice this obedience skill with "blanket time" if you wish. Once Baby begins to crawl, put him on a blanket with some toys, tell him to stay on the blanket and sit with him. If he moves off the blanket, direct him back. This will help train him to stay in defined boundaries. That obedience skill can come in useful when you're out and about.

When free playtime is over, parents can also help Baby with clean-up. Even though our 7.5 month old isn't much help in cleaning, we always make it a point to say "Lets clean up now" and put the toys back in the basket before moving on to the next thing.

When we teach Baby to play within a set of boundaries, we give him the skills he will need to do well in the world. He also becomes a joy to be around!

RELATED RESOURCES

Babywise II

Changing Sleep Needs at 4 - 6 Months

Like most newborns, my son slept a lot. He was often only up for an hour at a time. He continued to sleep a lot until about 6 months. Then we had a horrible week. At nap time, I would lay him down, but he wouldn't sleep. He was grouchy all the time, clearly needing to sleep but unable to do so. Where had my happy, sleepy baby gone? What was I to do now?

Then my grandma told me that her kids seemed to get to an age where they were up for 2 hours and asleep for 2 hours. She said that lasted for a pretty long time. So I decided to try keeping Junior up for 2 hours. Lo and behold, he was back to taking good naps regularly and waking happily! In that one week, he went from being awake only a hour at a time and having 4 naps to staying awake 2 hours at a time and only having 2 naps.

For most babies, this transition comes earlier (4-6 months). Some babies transition more gradually over the course of 2 months; others suddenly change in a week like my son. Either way, the change can come as a surprise. Baby will suddenly have a harder time getting to sleep or staying asleep. This thankfully corresponds with a time when he doesn't need as much sleep. When Mom and Baby are getting used to the new flow of things can be difficult, but take heart. Life is wonderful and flexible on the other side!

RESOURCES

Babywise II
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Grown Up

"In most cases an expert or another parent will tell you unequivocally that it would have been far wiser to have done the exact opposite of what you chose to do. Parenting is an invitation to suffering because no one really knows what to do." (How Children Raise Parents p 139)

Oh, so true! When I am agonizing over whether Baby is ready to drop his third nap or getting enough to eat, I can count on finding someone (or myself) to tell me that what I just did was the wrong thing. I never knew how much my own contentment could be tied up in the wellbeing and happiness of another until having a child.

I care so immensely about him and yet I don't always know what's best for him. Should I bend my schedule so he learns flexibility or should I put his nap time above talking with a friend for 20 minutes more? Should I insist that he eat more than two bites of banana or let it go?

Whatever I do, it's easy for an onlooker to judge. It's easy for me to look back and think, "what I should have done was..." This is the suffering Dr. Allender talks about; the suffering of parenthood. I imagine it will only grow as my son grows.

Why have children then, if it invites such pain? A better man than I once said: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5:3-4). I know I'd like to have perseverance, character, and hope that is more than wishful thinking, but must I suffer to get them?

I think so. Maturity doesn't come easily. It costs something. We must not run from the difficulties inherent in parenting, but embrace them and allow perseverance to grow. Then someday while I'm busy persevering character will take root. Years later, when I look back on this process, I imagine I'll be able to look forward with a hope that is real and firm even in the face of further suffering. Oh, I want to be like that!

RESOURCES

How Children Raise Parents
The Bible

Raising the Next Generation

History tends to repeat itself. Most people intuitively sense this. Learning about the decadence of ancient Rome before it's fall reminded me eerily of our current society's pleasure-seeking ways. Historians William Strauss and Neil Howe have come up with a particularly interesting theory about a 4-generation-cycle that has repeated many times over in American History. For parents, it can be interesting to consider what kind of a world our children will grow up in and what skills they will need to confront it.

First there are "Stewards" in an Era of Blessing. These stewards tend to think highly of their duty to society. This other-focus allows the blessings of the age to take root. Often this is an era when the structure is laid from which future generations will benefit.

The next generation is "Builders" in an Era of Presumption. The blessings of the previous era begin to look like they were earned by hard work, so builders figure they can improve upon that. They set about designing a better future. According to the historians, the generation that fought WW2 was the most recent generation of builders.

Then a generation of "Rebels" points out the flaws in the Era of Awakening. This was the era of the Baby Boomers, who protested Vietnam and championed the Civil Rights Movement. It was an idealistic age where parents turned to the likes of Dr. Spock and focused on building self-esteem in their children.

The generation now young parents or teenagers are the "Activists" who reign during the current Era of Calamity. It is a rather cynical and world-weary era in which we live. It needs activists who crave something new and better and are willing to work and pray for it. Our children are born into this era which cries out for a fresh blessing.

When the tide will turn back to an era of blessing only God knows. It will begin and be sustained by God himself. We cannot make it happen. It is a wise parent who will raise his children to understand the duty and sacrifice that characterizes the Era of Blessing's "Stewards."

RESOURCES
How Children Raise Parents

Poor Sick Baby!

It's horrible to be sick. It's even worse for a baby. He can't blow his nose and doesn't understand why he feels so crumby. It's enough to break a momma's heart. My son has been struggling with a cold for the past week or so and in my attempts to make him more comfortable, I've learned a lot:

*Sometimes early naps can help. My little guy has gone down about 15 minutes early and still slept until when he normally would have woken up. It helps keep him from getting too grouchy to get a little extra sleep.

*Solids before nursing has helped too. When he feels icky, Baby may not be up for solid foods much at all. It's OK to ease off a little if that's all new and a little stressful for Baby. You do want to make sure he gets enough to grow on, though. Since hunger is a good seasoning, solids before nursing can help.

*Suction the nose before and after naps. My son hates the process, but it does help him to breathe better while playing and sleeping. Giving him a rattle to play with while I work on his nose can help distract.

*Babies can cough in their sleep, so don't rush in at every noise. We recently got a video baby monitor and I'm glad to see he can sleep through the coughing because I know he needs his rest.

*Vicks Baby Rub before nap or bed time also eases breathing.

*Infant Tylenol Drops can help reduce swelling in the nasal passages and can also reduce fever.

*Raising Baby's crib mattress by putting a book under the head can help Baby breathe better too.

*Watch for high temps and pulling at the ears as a cold can develop into an ear infection. Call your doctor if things seem serious.

*I do a little extra cuddling with my little guy when he seems fussy for no reason. We also have a bit of a longer wind-down before naps and bed for some cuddling. It is a blessing to be someone's primary source of comfort in that way. "This too shall pass," and someday I'll miss the snuggling.

RESOURCES

Video Baby Monitor
Vicks Baby Rub

Sleep Training without CIO

"How can I get Baby to sleep in his own crib?" This question is vitally important to sleep-deprived parents. The most common answers can be divided into two, rather unpleasant, groups. The first group answers "You can't; just wait until he does it on his own." The second group answers "Just leave him there to Cry-It-Out (CIO) and eventually he'll be able to fall asleep on his own." For parents looking for a middle ground, there's the method advocated in the Baby Whisperer books.

No matter Baby's age, begin with a nice, predictable sleepy-time routine. I like to tell my son the rooms we're going through as we make our way to the nursery. Then when we get there, we sit in the rocking chair and look out the window while I sing him a song. Next I wrap him up in his blankets, give him a kiss, and head out. Sometimes that's all it takes, but if Baby's a little fussy or cries when you set him in his crib, try these age-appropriate techniques:

Birth to 3 Months - Shush-Pat

At this age, babies can't concentrate on more than 2 things at once, so by giving the right kind of soothing, you can help Baby forget about crying. Don't jiggle or rock Baby, but say "shh shh shh" gently in his ear while rhythmically patting his back. You can first attempt this while Baby is in the crib. If that doesn't calm him, pick him up (while still shush-patting) until you sense his breathing getting deeper. Then gently lay him in his crib and continue the shush-pat. Ms. Hogg recommends continuing the shush-pat until you're certain Baby is concentrating on it (7-10 minutes). Then you can slow the patting and gradually stop. When he's quiet, step away from the crib and see whether he drifts off to a deep sleep or jostles awake again. It often takes babies up to 20 minutes to fall asleep so if you stay until he's out you'll be less likely to have to return.

4 to 12 Months - Pick-Up-Put-Down

You can begin by simply being present with your child, putting a hand on his back and possibly offering some words of comfort like "It's OK, honey. You're just going to sleep." If he continues to cry, pick him up, but put him down the minute he stops crying. Don't comfort past the immediate need. If he cries on the way down, still return him to the mattress. Then if he cries again or continues to cry, pick him back up. Continue this until Baby is able to stay calm and fall asleep in his own crib.

On average, Ms. Hogg reports that pick-up-put-down lasts 20 minutes, but it can go on for an hour or more. Teaching the skill of sleep to an older baby will take work. Don't give up and revert to rocking him to sleep or using other props. It will most likely take less time the next night and the next after that. Keep with it and you will probably have a child who can go to sleep on his own within a week.

Teaching a child to sleep can be very stressful no matter what method you choose. Ms. Hogg's method is gentler than CIO but still promises to give parents back their own bed. It offers a good middle-of-the-road approach for parents looking to kindly give their children (and themselves!) sleep.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

Adventures in Eating

We are so proud of David's budding independence! Yesterday, he took a giant leap forward (in the eyes of us parents) in the journey from being fed to feeding himself. After great and adorable calculations, he figured out that if he could get a Cheerio stuck to his thumb and then suck his thumb, he could get the Cheerio in his mouth. Dad was a great cheerleader. I think it's neat how excited David was about the whole thing.

The new thing lately has been putting his head on the tray to see if he can scoop them directly into his mouth. I'm a little afraid of the messes that will undoubtedly end up on the floor... and glad they're wood and not carpet!

The Biggest Questions

In every interaction, children implicitly ask their parents two life-defining questions. "Am I loved?" and "Can I have my own way?" How we as parents answer those questions will in large part determine the attitude with which our children face the world, even after they're grown.

The parents who say "No, you're not loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way" are on dangerous ground. They neither show their children the safety of intimacy nor proper respect for authority. Boys in these homes may learn to survive on their wits and girls on their bodies' assets. These children will be vulnerable to gangs or other dangerous friends as they look for a surrogate family to fill the place of their absent parents.

Indulgent and distant parents respond "Yes, you're loved" and "Yes, you can have your own way." Because they aren't willing to enforce rules, these parents can only offer their children a counterfeit love. While their children may be poised in public, they often lack the strength of conviction and character that come from discipline. They may cause trouble to see in anyone will care enough to enforce what's right.

Parents who answer "No, you're not loved" and "No, you can't have your own way" risk becoming rule-bound and dull. When parents fail to delight in their children, they take joy from the home. Children usually respond with polite disengagement.

The response of strength and delight is to say "Yes, you're loved" but "No, you can't have your own way." Parents who want to answer their children's questions well must be willing to take up the challenge of giving discipline and order to a child's life. The love they offer their children, however, must be fierce and not bound to the child's performance. Their children will be able to enter adulthood confident in what is right and in their own worth.

In every interaction, we must learn to read our children's underlying questions. When they break a rule, are they testing whether they can have their own way or whether we love them even when they fail? Developing the discernment and wisdom to meet my children's deepest needs appropriately will be a matter of time and prayer, I'm certain!

RESOURCES

How Children Raise Parents

Toilet Training Trends

In 1957, 92% of children were potty trained by 18 months. Now, only 60% are potty trained by 3 years. Quite a difference, wouldn't you say? Today we have the "Infant Potty Training" school and the "Wait Till He Asks To Use The Potty" school. I really like the middle ground approach that Tracy Hogg suggests (The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems). Her method follows.

She recommends beginning between 9 and 15 months. The reasoning behind that time frame is twofold. Junior is old enough to sit well on his own and be an active participant in the process. He hasn't reached the "terrible two's" yet, though, when he's more likely to resist the new routine.

Expect the process to take a few months to complete. You're teaching a skill. It will take some time. Stock up on patience and plan to be in it for "the long haul." Also, she recommends buying a potty seat that fits on top of a regular toilet to ease the transition later. I like that because it's one less (rather yucky) thing to clean.

The basic pattern to follow is E.E.A.S.Y. (Eat, Elimination, Activity, Sleep, You-time during nap). Babies often urinate about 20 minutes after eating or drinking, so put Junior on the potty for a few minutes during the time when he's likely to "go." Potty training usually begins with a lucky mistake. Then praise reinforces the new skill and so learning goes. It may help to observe your baby before starting for a few weeks to see if you can pick up on when he normally goes. Then put him on the potty during those times throughout the day.

Don't expect dry diapers from day one, but stay upbeat about the process. Don't be surprised if he wants to try out the potty even when you don't suggest it. He may not go every time, but he's learning how to interpret his physical sensations.

Hogg recommends waiting until Junior has been dry during the day without any accidents for a week before buying real underwear. Night-time dryness usually takes a little longer to achieve. Wait until he's woken up dry for two weeks before going diaper-less at night.

RESOURCES
The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

The Simple Life

Ah yes, the wood blocks. So simple, yet they offer endless minutes of fun for a baby. They're so good for practicing those grabbing and slobbering skills on!
Yummy! Veggies. David especially likes them with a little bit of applesauce mixed in :)
Hey, who even needs toys? If you've got a hand and a floor, you can have fun!

Frustrated Baby

Baby's crying! Should you step in and help? Before you assume the answer is always "yes," think of how fruitful your own frustrations have been. Wasn't it frustrating to write that term paper in college and hunt for that first job? I'm certainly not suggesting we ignore Baby's every cry, but there are times when Mommy stepping back is better for the little one in the long run.

One of those times is bed time. Some babies need to cry to let off steam or as they learn to self-soothe. If Mom or Dad rocks Baby to sleep every night, that's what he'll learn is normal. That pattern will likely stick for a long time. Do you really want to have to rock your 3 or 4 year old to sleep? Babywise recommends allowing Baby to cry about 15 minutes before bed- or nap-time before going in to help soothe. If we rob Baby of frustration here, we may rob him of precious sleep, especially in the long run.

Another time when Baby's frustration can be a good thing is playtime. Play is the work of childhood. It actually can be pretty frustrating for Junior when the rattle got knocked out of reach and he's got to figure out how to wiggle over to it. If Mom just hands it to him, it would be easier, but an opportunity to practice crawling and problem solving is lost. When Baby is playing with age appropriate toys, a little frustration helps him learn and grow.

Baby's cries at separation from Mom or Dad are another opportunity for him to grow. If Junior comes to expect Mom as a constant playmate during the day, how will she ever get dinner on? This is a common problem in lots of homes. We began practicing "Independent Play Time" at around 4 months to avoid this. After a small protest, our son can play happily on his own for up to 20 minutes now (at 7 months). When he plays alone, he learns to solve problems and focus on the limited number of toys in his playpen. Those skills will come in handy when he starts school.

The "separation anxiety" cry when Baby is left in someone else's care is a good opportunity for him to learn a little independence. While bonding with parents is really important, it's good for Baby and Mommy if they're not always together. We have a weekly date-night when our son is cared for by his grandparents. This is a good chance for my husband and I to get some "time off" and for Grandma and Grandpa to build a good relationship with their grandson. Just lately, Junior has started complaining about my leaving. It's hard to go, but once I'm gone, he can get down to the business of playing with these other people who love him too.

It's a nice idea for Baby to live in a soft, cuddly world with no frustration. It's certainly one that sells parents on lots of products. We read all kinds of ways to shield our kids from frustrations as we flip through the ads in parenting magazines. Yet, Baby will probably be better off if he deals with some age-appropriate frustration. It will help him to grow.

RESOURCES

Parenting, Inc.
Babywise

Family Formation

"What if God didn't give us children to make us happy, but to make us holy?" (Sacred Parenting) Kids sure offer plenty of opportunities for personal parental growth! I was learning that first hand yesterday while watching my sister's three girls. Taking care of kids aged 3.5, 3, 7mo, and 3.5mo sure had me busy! There was something sweet about the tiredness I felt while driving home, though.

While 100 years ago families were large and usually begun shortly after marriage, the wide availability of contraception has delayed and reduced the number of children in most families. Is that entirely a good thing? Steve and Candice Watters' book Start Your Family points out some of the blessings children (even droves of them) bring.

First of all, there's the blessed mess that seems to litter a home shared with children. This gives us parents a very visual reminder that our stuff is just stuff. While a childless couple might decide to redecorate their kitchen with mahogany cabinets, parents with young children might opt for something less "precious." Those cabinets are likely to be bumped, chipped, and childproofed, so why not get something more serviceable? Child rearing helps us parents give up our selfishness.

Kids can also help us gain skills for the work world. Historically, the prime child-rearing years are when Dad is in the midst of the "junior" level at his job. This is time of learning and growing as an employee and, if he has kids, as a parent. Those parenting skills can come in handy down the road, when Dad is promoted to a position with more responsibility. Parenting will have helped him gain the maturity to handle that position well. Having kids helps parents grow up ... and that's good for business!

Kids also draw families together. Grandparents love to watch their grandkids grow. That can be a strong impetus for more frequent visits or babysitting. I loved helping my sister out yesterday by playing with the kids and cuddling the babies. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to take part in the rich community of family. Even when family is far away, friends tend to rally around. That's nice when parents get worn out and need a little break, too!

Our society has grown to value self a lot. We like to keep our time and money to ourselves. Yet, when we open our lives to children and give up our "me" focus, there are rich blessings awaiting us. How sweet it is to make room in our lives for these little ones.

RESOURCES

Sacred Parenting

Start Your Family

Look Who's ...

1. ...got Mommy's eyes? Maybe... I would like to think so because his eyes are so cute!2. ... helping Daddy with construction work. Good thing his eyes and ears are protected! We're building a baby-gate at the top of our stairs in David's room so we're ready when he starts crawling. He's getting to be quite the roller these days too! Mobility is growing everyday! Watch out!
3. ... and sitting up! He can make it about 30 seconds max before falling over, but aren't these pictures adorable? He's pretty excited about the new ability.

Baby's Night Wakings

OK, new parent's don't get a lot of uninterrupted sleep. That's to be expected for the first few months. But what about when Baby is 3 or 4 ... or 8 or 9 months old and is still waking in the middle of the night? Surely this 15 or 20 lb. little guy can hold enough in his tummy to make it until morning! So what went wrong? And more importantly, how can you fix it?

Why not try The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems' Wake-to-Sleep method (p 191)? If Baby habitually wakes at the same hour during the night he may need to reset his internal clock. Try setting your alarm for one hour before Baby normally wakes. Then go into his room and rouse him slightly. Don't get him out of bed or anything, just rub his tummy a little. You don't need to completely wake him. One night of this is usually enough to break the nighttime wake-up pattern, but Ms. Hogg suggests trying it three nights in a row if once doesn't do the trick.

One Caveat: If Baby is used to getting food during the middle of the night, it might help to reduce his intake gradually while adding calories during the day before attempting the Wake-to-Sleep method. Don't expect a baby under 10 lbs. or 2 months to not wake up at night. Their tummies are just too little.

I really like this method as it puts parents in control of the situation. Rather than just lying in bed waiting for Baby to demand attention, you're teaching him what's expected during the night. Sleep is a learned skill. It will take action on the parent's part to teach it. This is a counter-intuitive but wonderful way to do that for habitual night waking.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

Evenings With Baby

After a long day at the office or taking care of the kiddies, wouldn't you love a peaceful evening? Well if there's a baby in the house, he's likely to sabotage those plans. The challenges change as Baby grows, but evenings are often when problems crop up. Why? What can you do? Well, here's what we've experienced:

Birth to 3 months:

Why is it tough? Many babies, including ours, seem to have a "witching hour" sometime between 4 and 9 pm. No one seems to know why, but it's a relatively common experience. Our son just needed to cry for about 45-60 minutes some (but not all) evenings no matter what we did!

What helps? As an emotional new mommy, it helped just to know that infant crying peaks at 6 weeks and is greatly reduced by 3 months. We tried holding and rocking him just to be with him during his tears. If it was just too much for us to handle, we did let him cry in his crib sometimes. Babywise does say that there's a chance Baby would fall asleep there. Yet, I didn't like to leave him to cry for too long. This is also a time when putting Junior near a dryer or dishwasher that's running can help. Some people find stroller or car rides beneficial. Just be careful not to make those into sleep crutches by using them every time or after Baby needs them.

4-6 Months

Why is it tough? If you've got Junior on the feeding routine recommended in either Babywise
or Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, you are looking to transition from 5 to 4 liquid feedings. For us, there was a feeding at 5pm and then another at 8pm that we wanted to consolidate into one at bedtime. It seemed like it would take Baby a long time to fall asleep for his 4th nap and then it would be time to get him up again. We could have kept him up, but he was awfully grouchy and tired.

What helps? I found that by cutting our son's third nap shorter, we could make bedtime earlier after his 5pm feeding. Then the 8pm feeding was more of a "dreamfeed" (a technique described in great detail in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer). I kept the lights low and just nursed him and put him back to sleep. That got Junior both the sleep and the calories he needed.

7-10 Months

Why is it tough? This is the season of "does he need the third nap?" Some babies drop the evening nap at 6 months, but others not until 10 or even 12. Deciding what is best for your baby's sleep needs and also trying to have a life sometimes in the evening can be a challenge.

What helps? We are in this phase right now. I think it's alright to vary the evening schedule a bit depending on Baby's day as well as your plans. Earlier this weekend, we cut our son's afternoon nap short so that he would take an evening nap that allowed us to keep him up a little later for a friend's wedding. Then after church on Sunday, since his morning nap was cut short, we let him take the giant 3 1/2 hour afternoon nap that his body wanted and simply moved bedtime earlier. Studies have shown that afternoon sleep is the most restorative so that worked well for him.

Beyond our current stage, I'm sure there will continue to be challenges in the evening. It's wonderful to have my husband around to bounce ideas off of and share baby duty with during these hours. In the midst of baby tears or nap questions, it's also wise to stop and make a memory. Like the song says "you're gonna miss this!"

RESOURCES

Babywise
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Pacifier Protocol

Most every new parent is faced with the question of whether to offer his new baby a pacifier. No one really wants the child who, at age three, pulls the plug out to say "hello" and then puts it back. And yet, it is amazing how offering a young infant something to suck on brings instant relief from crying and calms Baby down. Secrets of the Baby Whisperer highlights the fine line between pacifier use and misuse.

The correct way to use a pacifier, according to Ms. Hogg, is to offer it during the first three months when Baby needs to calm down. Even when Baby is going to sleep, this can be acceptable.

The way to keep the pacifier from becoming a sleep prop is to leave it alone when Baby spits it out naturally on his way to dreamland. If parents come in and replace it after Junior has spit it out, he'll get so used to the sensation in his mouth that he won't be able to get to sleep or stay asleep without it.

Another appropriate use of the pacifier is when dropping the middle-of-the-night feedings. If Junior is waking always at the same hour and is over 12 lbs and 3 months, he is likely waking from habit. One way to stop this rather frustrating habit is to offer a pacifier rather than nursing. After a few nights of this, Junior will likely stop waking up at all.

By three months of age, Baby shouldn't need the pacifier anymore as he will have found his fingers. Hogg suggests that parents need not worry about inappropriate thumb sucking. When a baby finds his thumb, he takes a great leap forward in his ability to self-soothe. Whereas the pacifier offered comfort, it was controlled by the big people and could be lost. The thumb is in the child's control.

In order to avoid inappropriate dependence on thumb sucking, however, Babywise suggests parents pull it out gently during play time and say "not now" after 6 months of age. The thumb is a fine source of comfort at bedtime, but isn't needed during waketime.

Sucking is a natural thing that babies simply do, even when parents attempt to stop them. Beginning in the womb, babies often suck their thumbs. As we seek to teach our children appropriate social behaviors, let's also leave them room to be the babies they are. Like so many parts of parenting, the pacifier issue is one in which balance is the key.

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

The Privilidge of Parenting

How many children will there be in your family? One? Two? Four? Twelve? Studies have shown that only two percent of married adults plan a one-child family... yet 20% end up with one. Why? Well, it could be that, after the first baby arrived, they discovered that parenting was a lot of work. It also could be that they delayed children a bit too long and found conceiving more difficult than expected. I tend to think that both answers play a role. Parenting well is tough, beginning at conception!

Unfortunately, society isn't making the parent's job any easier. We are seeing a replay of the poor value system that brought about the demise of ancient Greece and Rome. As Will Durant observed back in 1939:

"Athens had ruined itself by carrying to excess the principles of liberty and equality, by training the citizens in such a fashion that they looked upon insolence as democracy, lawlessness as liberty, impudence of speech as equality, and license to do what they pleased as happiness." (Qtd. in Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids p 116)

To prevent a similar decay in our own society, mindful parents have quite a task ahead of them! Yet, parents have always been a significant influencing factor in the values their children develop. After all, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

Despite the glorification of selfishness in our society, we hold the greatest influence over our own children, especially in the formative years. Even once children begin attending school, parent's still have the lion's share of their time. Only 6 1/2 hours a day are spent at school, leaving parents 9 1/2 waking hours.

How will we handle these precious little people we've been loaned to raise? Let's train them well from the beginning, modeling and expecting good behavior, disciplining bad behavior, being available and loving them throughout. How the world needs us to be good parents!

RESOURCES

Start Your Family

Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids

Going Public

The Exemplary Life

Are you a perfectionist? I struggle with "needing" everything to be just so in order for me to be content. This is a tendency that I try to fight because I know it isn't good for me or those around me. Lately I've read of another reason:

"Adult children of workaholics [and probably perfectionists too] often end up in therapy with failing marriages, depression or a sense of anger they can't identify. At the heart of their troubles is a well meaning but absent parent who unconsciously taught them that you are judged by what you do, not who you are." (Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids, p 106)

I know that the attitudes I portray in my own life will wordlessly communicate to my kids. I want to be better so that they won't struggle with the same things I struggle with. I definitely don't want to teach my son that he has to "measure up" in order to be loved! I want him to know that he is highly valuable simply because he is an eternal soul created in the image of God. That means I have to really accept that truth about myself too.

It's OK if dinner was a little late or the baby's nap was shorter than I had hoped. Those things aren't what make me valuable as a mother or as a person. Even when I do everything "perfect" according to my own standards, I know that my own "righteousness is like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6) when it comes to God's even higher standards. Jesus' perfect life and substitutionary death are what attain perfection for me. That sweet truth is what I want to teach my son!

RESOURCES

Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids

The Bible

How to Play with Baby

Isn't it wonderful to see a child's eyes light up as he discovers something new about the world? Most parents want to make sure their child is appropriately stimulated. It's tempting to buy lots of toys with all the bells and whistles before Junior is even able to focus his eyes, but let's look for a minute at some low-tech ways babies can play.

The Watching and Listening Baby (birth to 8 weeks) Babies in this age benefit from a little face-to-face time with Mom and Dad. Just talking, smiling, singing, and staring at Baby helps build the bond between the two of you. My son was also fascinated by bright lights and celling fans at this age. Guard against over stimulation in young babies. They're small and can't take in everything. A little time by themselves without a toy in their face can be a good thing. The world is plenty interesting.

The Baby with Head-Control (2 months on) Now is a good time for a mobile in the crib. Baby can follow things that move in a circle. He can also imitate expressions which makes for a fun facial "conversation." Baby is just starting to see in three dimensions so the world's looking pretty neat. Wavy lines and faces are interesting to him now too. Since Baby doesn't have the mobility to move away from overstimulating situations, keep an eye out for fussing that means "I've had enough."

The Reaching, Grasping Baby (3 or 4 months on) Now's a great time to pull out those baby rattles! It's so fun to watch Junior begin to understand that he can cause thing to happen. Don't be surprised when everything goes in the mouth, either. It's a good way for Baby to study all these new objects. Even a soft foam hair curler or spoon makes a great toy at this age. One word of warning, though: don't give Baby things now that you wouldn't want him to play with later, like the remote or a pen. Right now he might not be able to do much damage, but it's easier to keep things off-limits than change the rules later.

The Rolling Baby (4 or 5 months on) Simple objects can cause endless delight as Junior can now chase them a little when they get away from him. Our 7-month-old loves rolling around on the floor with a few toys. Holding things and exploring a few rattles and blocks will entertain him for quite a while. Now is not a bad time to begin "Independent Play Time." Put Junior in his Play Pen or another safe place for 15 minutes or so with several toys and maybe put some music on. This will teach him that he's good company for himself. He won't always have to look to you for entertainment later on if this habit is established early.

The Sitting Baby (6 months on) Now Junior can pass objects from hand to hand and begin to make gestures. He also may lunge for toys and end up on his chest. Be careful not to rescue him from an uncomfortable position or give him the toy he's after too soon. Give him a little encouragement and time to figure it out for himself. You might be surprised what he can handle. Our son is remarkably tough! He'll bonk his head and not complain at all. It is OK to help out if Junior asks for it (by fussing or whining).

The Moving Baby (8-10 months on) When Baby really starts to crawl, a whole new world opens up! Some baby proofing is not a bad idea: electrical plugs need to be covered and a baby gate put across the stairs. Now is also the time when teaching the phrase "Don't touch" becomes important. I think it's a good idea not to take away everything that's not baby friendly. Junior will benefit from learning some boundaries. Now is also a good time for songs with gestures (Itsy Bitsy Spider etc) and plenty of time for active play. Keep a cuddle and book at nap time or bedtime in the routine too!

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

The Moral Intellect

During the early years, children grow by leaps and bounds. Their rapid growth can be measured in three different areas: physical, intellectual, and moral. It's the relationship between intellectual and moral growth that I want to explore today.

Babywise II points out that in adults, beliefs precede actions but in children actions precede beliefs. This means that if we want our children to develop a strong moral compass (beliefs), we must train them in the concrete world of actions. Before a child can understand why Mom doesn't want him to touch the electrical outlet or drop his food from the highchair, he must learn to restrict his actions. Obedience and self-control are the first morals that a child learns.

Incidentally, early moral training will benefit intellectual growth as well. When a child learns that sometimes he must wait for his wants and needs to be gratified, he is developing self control and patience. This will give him a head start when it comes to focusing and learning and intellectual growth.

All this runs counter to what's natural and easy. It would be simpler to gratify a child's every desire. You won't have to listen to any protest. Then perhaps when Junior is old enough to understand moral concepts, you can attempt to reason him into behaving correctly. Your efforts will be unlikely to succeed however, because he will already have learned habits of immediate gratification.

Babywise II recommends beginning even in the "pretoddler" months (5 to 15) to lay the groundwork by training our children in moral behavior. No, they won't yet understand the concept, but they will develop good habits that will serve them well throughout life.

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Respecting Baby

OK, imagine you're laying on your back with your eyes closed. Ahh... nice and relaxed. Now imagine someone grabs your legs without warning and yanks them up over your head. How would you feel? Surprised, and maybe a little violated? I would! Believe it or not, you are quite liable to subject your sweet little baby to the same sensation!

In Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, Ms. Hogg reminds new parents often to respect their little bundles (p 140). Even at 1 day old, he's a person with thoughts and feelings, albeit unsophisticated ones. Why not tell Baby what you're doing to him? "OK, I'm going to change your diaper now... Lets lift you up onto the table... now I'm unbuttoning your pants..." That gives him a little warning so he can prepare himself. It also might result in a baby who doesn't cry so often.

The whole idea of putting a baby on a routine is to help give him a safe, comfortable basis onto which he can build the new things he's learning. Lots can be communicated to Baby simply by repeating the same activities - wake up, nurse/bottle, burp, solids, diaper change, play with Mommy, play alone, wind down, back to sleep - over and over again.

And yet, we really ought to be careful of the words we use around Baby too. Do you talk about him with others as if he can't hear you? Do you routinely talk on the phone while caring for him (ie, feeding or diapering)? What kinds of messages do those things send to your baby? They seem to say that you're ignoring him. Now, I'm not saying that Baby deserves 100% of your attention 100% of the time, but I like the idea of treating them with respect. I don't like it when people talk about me as if I'm not in the room. I don't think grocery-store-checkers appreciate customers who talk on their cell phones as they check out.

Talking with Baby as though he understands is a lot of fun too! Even before he can pick up any of the words, he'll learn that you like him. He'll learn how conversations go and how to be cheerful. I love to hear our son coo and talk to his toys or to me because his noises are so happy. As I think about it, that's often the tone I use with him. There's always the nature v. nurture debate, but I do think I've modeled cheerful conversation to him with all that "I'm going to pick you up now" talk. What a lovely thing to teach!

RESOURCES

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Transfer of Power

When I look at my little boy and watch him struggle for mobility, excited each time he rolls over, I know that God has only loaned him to me for a season. The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. But how and when does the transfer of power happen?

The mother who grants her toddler freedom too soon, says Dr. Dobson in Parenting Isn't for Cowards, is one of the most miserable people in the world. In Babywise II we are introduced to the concept of "Parenting within the funnel." Both books advocate granting freedoms to a child as he becomes able to handle them.

Dr. Dobson emphasizes the fact that some kids will do battle over any freedom they are not granted. These little ones must be restrained. If they don't learn at age 2 or 3 that someone else is an authority over them, they will have problems all through life.

A less common problem these days is withholding freedoms that the child is ready for. Especially as the teen years come, parents must be ready to let out the string on their child's kite. If we don't, how will he learn to soar? I haven't gotten to this stage yet, but I was blessed with parents who did it well. It was hard to leave the cozy nest of home, but I'm glad my parents helped me do that by granting some of the freedoms for which I pushed and even making me take some responsibilities when I was ready but not eager for them. May God grant you and me wisdom to do the same with our children.

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Parenting Isn't for Cowards

Ta-Da!

OK, everybody, get ready for pictures! This summer we've been busy sprucing up our porch and I'm excited to show off our results.

Here's the finished product. Yes, we now have curb appeal!

A brand new door that stays latched, new steps, washed windows, beautiful railings, and doesn't it look fall-ish?

Freshly painted benches and a cute little swing for the baby. I've got one more cushion to sew, but it looks good so far:

David is warming up to the new swing. At first he seemed a little unsure about all this "whee" business, but here he looks like it's OK:

And here's our new place to have dinner whenever it's warm enough:

So next summer we can live out here! Yay!