Receptive Language Development

In any conversation, there are two kinds of language: receptive and expressive. Receptive language is understanding and expressive language is (rather obviously) speaking or expressing. If you've been around young children or even teenagers, it's apparent that receptive language comes before expressive language... in fact it begins around 6 months of age!

For this reason, parents are encouraged not to discipline young babies. They truly don't understand. And yet... beginning around 6 months of age, that changes! Now Baby is much more likely to understand. That means now is the time to begin building the foundations of obedience. I cheer our son anytime he does what I ask, whether it is keeping his hands away from his mouth while I feed him or looking at Daddy. I think it's more valuable to praise obedience than cuteness, and babies get lots of praise for just being adorable. I want our son to know that character matters more than charm.

So how can you encourage Junior's blooming receptive language? What to Expect the First Year offers some simple suggestions:

Slow down: Just the way my Spanish students got confused listening to native speakers, Baby can't pick up much if you go too fast.

Focus on single words: As you tell Baby that you're changing his diaper, for example, hold up the diaper and tell him what it is. Mention it a few more times before you're done with that task.

Downplay pronouns: Junior can get lost in "me" and "you" and "we." He's much more likely to understand "This is Mommy's book" than "This is my book."

Emphasize imitation: You can do this by imitating his coos. Before long he'll be imitating lots of what you say.

Use songs and rhymes: Baby can learn a lot from repetition. I do this all the time, whether listing parts of the house we walk through, saying the same phrase every time I set him down to play, or singing a song before bed. He'll learn first what he hears most.

"Read" books: Baby won't understand a story at this point, but books with vivid pictures are great at capturing his interest. Try asking questions like "Where's the dog?" He might point to it a lot sooner than you'd think! Books are also a great way to teach patience, cuddle, and begin to build a love of reading.

Wait for a response: You won't hear words yet, but the excited squeal when you announce it's time for a walk or whimper when you say bathtime is over mean that Baby understands what you're saying.

Give commands: Saying "wave bye-bye" and then waving his little hand will soon elicit the response from Baby himself. It doesn't hurt to add "please" to your commands -- that will make it a natural part of Baby's vocabulary.

I find these tips so encouraging and helpful as we're teaching our 6.5 month old son both Spanish and English. I want him to get every chance to understand since he only hears a given language half of the time. It is so exciting to watch him begin to understand!

RESOURCES

What to Expect the First Year

Humble Parenting

As any parent with more than one child can tell you, babies have personality. Contrary to what was previously thought, they are not "blank slates". A 30-year-plus study called the New York Longitudinal Study reports in the book Know Your Child about three of the most common baby temperaments.

First there's the "easy child." Interestingly, his temperament is usually diagnosed at a younger age than the other two. This is the laid back baby who doesn't make too many waves even when he's trying to tell you he has a dirty diaper. Dr. Dobson tells us these babies grow up to be "compliant" children. That doesn't mean this kid is necessarily better than another, but it means they seem to have less strength of self-will. This does make obedience a more natural response.

The "difficult child" is another temperament discernible in infancy (and obvious in toddlerhood!) that often persists through childhood. As a baby, he cries more frequently and tends toward irregular eating and sleeping schedules. As a toddler, he's more likely to throw a tantrum when he can't have his way. Dr. Dobson calls this the "strong willed" child because he seems to have more strength of self-will. In Parenting isn't for cowards, he points out that these children are more rebellious all the way through the teen years and often have a slower start taking on the responsibility of adulthood.

The "shy child" is the third baby-temperament found in the study. These kids aren't as explosive as the "difficult children," but they do tend to respond to frustrating or new situations by withdrawing.

While the parents of a compliant child might be tempted to take the credit and the strong-willed child's parents may feel the weight of guilt about his rebelliousness, Dr. Dobson points out that these basic temperaments are inborn. Parents are, however, responsible for how they handle their children. Parents of shy and compliant children need to make sure they are giving their kids the attention they need even when they don't demand it. Parents of strong-willed children need to win inevitable the battles of will.

My son is pretty laid back and I must say, it would be easy to dispense advice as though I "know it all." I find it useful to babysit other kids and learn some humility. Parents seem to accept guilt about their children awfully easily. I can help others by avoiding judgement and praying for them as they accept the tough job of parenting a strong willed child. Who knows what I'll get next, anyway?

RESOURCES

Know Your Child

Parenting Isn't for Cowards

Sitting Brings Sleeping

I was reminded today of the value of sitting with Baby before nap time. "Sitting" is included in The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems' recommended bed time or nap time routine for good reason. This is a wonderful time to cuddle with Baby and for him to begin settling for sleep.

The routine that Tracy Hogg recommends begins with "Setting the stage." To do this, I carry Baby to his room repeating the same phrases like "let's go up the stairs.... around the corner... and into your room." You can also do things like close the blinds, straighten his blankets in order to swaddle, or read a book.

Next comes "Sitting." This is when you sit holding Baby against your chest, perhaps with his head nestled into your shoulder or neck. The nestling is particularly valuable for little babies who can be too stimulated by looking around. The important thing about sitting is that you not jiggle or rock Baby. Just sit still and wait for him to relax against you. I sing a song while I do this. Our son usually begins to yawn or say "boo" or rub his face. That's just how he gets ready for sleep. Some babies may need to cry a little. Usually the time needed for sitting decreases as Baby learns the routine and gets better at getting ready to sleep. Hold Baby only until he's relaxed, but not actually asleep.

Then there's the "Swaddle." This is wrapping Baby up tightly and confining the arms of a small baby. Our son is nearing 7 months so we don't wrap up his arms as that would impede him going to sleep at this point. We do still wrap him below the arms because I think it's kind of like "tucking in" and helps send the "sleepy time" message. Some people drop the swaddle between 4-6 months, which is OK too. With a young baby it's very helpful though because Baby could startle himself with his own movements.

The last step is only if Baby isn't able to drift of on his own yet. It's called the "Shush-Pat." Hogg recommends saying "shhh" in Baby's ear while patting or rubbing his back or tummy. Young babies (under 3 months) can't think about very many things at once so the combination of the shush and the pat will often help him shut off the rest of his brain and fall asleep. Hogg doesn't recommend the Shush-Pat for babies over 6 months. Our son (7 months) is usually able to get to sleep on his own now, but I think the Shush-Pat would have helped when he was younger.

That "Sitting" step seems to help the whole thing go better. If Junior has had the chance to blow off his steam by fussing or zoning out for a while before I put him in his crib to get the rest of the way to sleep, he often drifts off sooner. My advice is not to rush that "sitting" step.

RESOURCES

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

How and Why to Avoid Child-Centered Parenting

There is a continuum in parenting. At one end is "Children should be seen and not heard" and at the other is child-centered parenting. The vogue right now is following the child's lead and sometimes even putting him in the center of the family. What's the harm in that?

In the short term, putting your child as your highest priority just seems easier, but Babywise 2 points out some of the many problems this will cause. (1) Child centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship, allowing partners to pull away from each other. (2) It creates a false sense of self-reliance in the child before he has the moral development to handle independence. (3) Because children aren't expected to give anything to the family, they have no family loyalty. They learn that people are only valuable for what you can get out of them. (4) Child centered parenting encourages selfish behavior in the child, which can lead parents to either abandon reasonable moral standards or create an adversarial relationship with their children. (5) It reacts to problems rather than preventing them.

Whew! What a list! So giving kids everything they ask for doesn't really make you a nice guy. It means that you deny your children what they need most from you: a parent. Kids can find friends in lots of places, but we are the ones God commissioned to be their primary authority figures.

I sure don't want my son to grow up selfish, incapable of loyalty, and with a false sense of self-reliance... but he's only a baby! Isn't this an issue for later days? Babywise 2 says there are plenty of things my husband and I can do right now to avoid child-centered parenting.

(1) Remind yourself that life doesn't stop when you have a baby. It changes, but you're still a sister, wife, and friend. Keep maintaining those relationships. Sometimes Junior will have to adjust. It takes more effort, but visiting my sister and letting our son nap at her house is worth it. It makes me a better mommy and teaches him that he's not the center of the universe.

(2) Have a weekly date-night. It's good for Baby to spend a little time in someone else's care. He'll learn that Mom and Dad have a special relationship and they always come back. Our weekly dates are good for me too. They remind me that my husband comes first. Staying home all day meeting Baby's needs, I sometimes need that reminder.

(3) Don't give up special gestures in you marriage. My husband made sure we had flowers on the table the whole first year of our marriage. When he still brings flowers home, it carries more than just a fragrant aroma. It reminds both of us that there's something special between the two of us in the midst of life's practicalities.

(4) Practice "Couch Time." Couch time is the first 15 minutes after Dad gets home from work spent with the husband and wife reconnecting where children can see them. This gives them a visual reminder that Mommy and Daddy love each other. It's also good for them to have to wait for Daddy's attention. It reinforces that they're not the center of the universe.

I'm glad to know there are some ways to teach our baby son that we love him but he isn't the only one who matters. Additionally, everything on the list is good for me too!

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Photo originally uploaded by DeaPeaJay
Creative Commons

Great Grandparents

David got to meet his Great Grandma and Grandpa Hedding this weekend. He's their first great grandbaby and a welcome addition to the Hedding clan.

Here's the 4 generations of Hedding men:

And here's David with his great-grandma:

And this is just an adorable picture of Grandpa Gifford feeding David some carrots. They were bonding over some tickles:

Homemade Whole Grain Baby Cereal

Whole grains are good and refined ones are bad, right? It'd be tough to have missed that message these days. So I was surprised when I went to buy baby rice cereal, the traditional first food for babies. The box reported that there is no fiber and it's not made from whole grains. I was a little concerned that my son's first food experience would come from these refined grain foods.

I did a little research and found out you can make your own baby cereal from whole grains. I was already planning on mashing up my own sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas for the little one, so this didn't seem like a big stretch. Here's the recipe for rice cereal I tried:

Brown Rice Baby Cereal

-Soak 1 cup brown rice in 4 cup water overnight.

-Discard soaking water, cover with fresh water. Boil on high until a raging boil. Skim off the top of the water and let simmer 11.5 hours.

-Puree in a blender.

-Store in the fridge for up to 3 days.

Other baby foods are even easier to make. Cook veggies or fruits and puree in the blender, then freeze in an ice cube tray and they'll last up to 2 months. This saves money but costs time. I've got the time and I love to see my baby enjoy fresh foods without preservatives.

RESOURCES

Naturally Healthy First Foods for Baby

Photo originally uploaded by ~MVI~
Creative Commons

He's got Daddy's Nose

How much of your child's personality is inborn and how much is influenced by his surroundings? I love the discussion that Toddlerwise has on the classic "Nature v. Nurture" debate. Drs. Ezzo and Bucknam point out that a child's personality is influenced by three factors: heredity, environment, and the child's choices.

Heredity factors come in two forms: the fixed and the flexible. Fixed traits are things like Daddy's nose and Mommy's need for lots of sleep. Flexible traits are things like a gift with music or numbers or a natural shyness. These flexible traits can be encouraged or discouraged through environment.

The child's choices play a role even from the beginning. Will he choose to surrender to sleep easily or will he choose to cry in protest? Will he choose to cry for Dad to push that toy closer or will he try to scoot over to it? As a child's abilities grow, so will the array of choices he has. The more he chooses to obey, the more ingrained obedience becomes. As he chooses to hold back from new experiences, shyness is reinforced.

Environmental factors include the training the child receives. Parents determine this entirely. A child won't develop moral traits like kindness, perseverance, and justice unless we teach him. Oh, what immense influence we parents have on who our children will become! As our son grows more aware of his surroundings, I am motivated to be a better person because I am his example of how life should be lived. Yet, good training is deeper than just being an example to our kids. We must structure their lives in a way that encourages good traits and discourages bad ones.

RESOURCES

Toddlerwise

The Work of Childhood

I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that playing is great for you and your kids. It reduces stress hormone levels and helps with brain development. It's also great fun and a wonderful opportunity for exercise. The bad news is that kids are done with imaginative play sooner than they used to be. They're trading the fun of physical play for TV and video games. This is bad for kids and for adults too. We all need a little time for low-tech fun.

Here are some of Dr. Shapiro's suggestions for age appropriate play presented in The Secret Language of Children.

Babies don't need a lot of toys at first. Staring at the ceiling fan was one of our baby son's favorite activities for the first 4 or 5 months of life. Peek-A-Boo and This-Little-Piggy are great ways to get a smile from your little one too. For the first year of life, babies usually are just interested in manipulating toys (holding and turning and exploring with the mouth).

Toddlers and Preschoolers begin to use toys for their intended purpose (blocks get stacked etc.) and engaging in imaginative play. Cooperative play in which two children engage in the same game (like "house") and have two different roles usually begins around 2 years. Entering your child's make-believe world of play is a wonderful way to bond with him as he works out his feelings and "try on" many adult roles. Studies have shown that undirected play with children is very beneficial. Try to hold back from telling the child how to play the game.

School Age Children can be a lot of fun to play with! This is the age where kids can turn away from play and towards more sedentary activities if you let them. Dr. Shapiro has some great suggestions for fun games to play with kids this age that can help them develop a more cooperative spirit:

(1)"Robot" involves three kids or adults holding hands. The person in the middle is the

"brain" and the people on each side are "arms." Try making a peanut butter sandwich or

vacuuming this way. Sounds like fun to me!

(2)"Mommy Says" works just like "Simon Says" and is a great way to make clean-up fun.

Teenagers need some family playtime too! Board games or family sports are good ideas. If the competitiveness is getting too divisive, try changing the rules so everyone wins when 10 baskets are made or a certain amount of money earned total in Monopoly.

Keep some fun in your day, no matter how old your kids get! It's good for all of us.

RESOURCES

The Secret Language of Children

Toddler Preparation

We've all heard of the "terrible two's." Is there any way to prepare for the onslaught of toddler-hood? The experts I've been reading say there is a lot you can do early to lay the foundations of moral instruction (i.e. obedience) beginning around 5 months.

In the Babywise series, there is a book dedicated to the child between 5 and 15 months, called a "pre-toddler." They point out that babies even as young as 5 months are able to understand simple, repeated commands (like "no" for example).

Why bother enforcing obedience in babies at this age? Those obstinate two-year-olds in the grocery store prove that if you wait, you won't have quite as receptive a student. A pre-toddler is eager to please Mom and Dad.

There are several methods of teaching at this age. Babywise II recommends holding Baby's hands out of his mouth while saying "keep your hands out of your mouth" when you feed him. Eventually, Baby will understand those words. Similarly in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers, Hogg suggests saying "thank you" for the child who can't say it himself yet. Expression matters too. Our son (6.5 months) understands a look and a tone even when he doesn't understand the words. I have been thrilled to see him willingly obey me on a few things already.

By age three, children make one of two basic conclusions about life. Either (1) "it is my job to listen to them" or (2) "it is their job to listen to me." Whatever method you choose, begin early to train your child in obedience. It will be easier the sooner you start.

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Raising Godly Tomatoes (www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com)

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers

Laughing with Daddy

I wish I had the lighting better, but this is too cute not to share. David is getting so fun! He likes to squeal and laugh when Daddy flies him through the air and gives him kisses.

Normal Crying?

Everyone knows that babies cry... but how much is normal? Every new mom or dad wrestles with that question. Babywise offers some help by listing three normal crying periods and three abnormal crying periods. It helps to know when Baby's cries mean "something's wrong" or when they are just letting off some steam or doing normal baby crying.

Abnormal Crying Periods

1. During a Feeding - This could happen if the milk isn't coming fast enough (it does take a little while before the milk starts flowing when you're breastfeeding) or if it's coming too fast. Perhaps Baby is positioned incorrectly. Be patient with yourself and your baby; nursing is a learned art. If the bottle is letting formula through too fast or slow, check into getting a different kind of bottle.

2. Immediately Following a Feeding - This could be a sensitivity that Baby has to something in Mom's diet or a milk-allergy (which is pretty rare). This could be due to trapped gas, in which case Baby needs to burp. Our son has always spat up a lot after his meals compared to my sister's babies. He would fuss then spit up and then be happier. Talk to your doctor if spitting up is projectile or seems painful for Baby as those could be signs of reflux.

3. Waking Early from a Sound Nap - First see if this could be a hunger issue. Try feeding Baby. If he takes a full feeding, you know that he was hungry and can add one or two feedings to his schedule for a few days until the growth spurt is over. If he doesn't eat very much, the problem is likely that something startled him out of sleep. If that's the case, he needs to learn how to get himself back to sleep. When our son wakes early and it doesn't seem to be due to hunger, I do a shortened version of our nap-time ritual (sing him a song and wrap him in his blankets) and he often drifts back to sleep until time for his next meal.

Normal Crying Periods

1. Just Before a Feeding - Babies younger than about 3 months usually wake up crying because of hunger if you have them on the Eat-Awake-Sleep schedule. Eating is the next event in Baby's life so that should take care of the tears.

2. When Baby is Put down for a Nap - Many babies need to let off some steam by crying in order to settle into sleep. Babywise says to check on baby after 15 minutes. I think that as Baby gets older, Mom gets wiser too. I can recognize the "something's wrong" cry from the "I'm going to sleep" cry a lot better now. Some babies will always cry before a nap and other's won't. Our son only does if he's really tired, but my sister's two-year-old still cries for about 1-5 minutes before her naps.

3. During the Late-Afternoon / Early-Evening - This has been called the "witching hour" in other books. It simply seems to be a normal time when young babies need to let off some steam. Our son would cry inconsolably for an hour or two lots of evenings before he got to be about 2.5 months old. We would hold him, rock him, pat him, let him listen to the dishwasher... nothing really helped. It wasn't fun, but it did end around 2.5 months for us (this can go on until 3 or 4 months and still be normal). Babywise suggests that if nothing helps Baby, it is OK to consider putting him in his crib where he may fall asleep.

Playing detective with Baby's cries is just part of the joy and pain of parenting. This season will pass one day, when Junior learns his first words and starts walking. The difficulties of babyhood make the sweetness sweeter.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Siblings and Spouses

Are you the oldest or youngest among your siblings, or somewhere in the middle? According to The Birth Order Book, placement in your family-of-origin says a lot about what your childhood was like and who you became as an adult. While birth-order is a study of generalities, Dr. Leman says your birth order can play out in your marriage in some interesting ways.

I've always thought in surprising that my older sister and her husband are both oldests, I and my husband are both middles, and my little sister and her husband are both youngests, so I was hooked on the topic. It turns out that Dr. Leman says that marrying someone of your own birth-order is not a surefire recipe for success. Here are his potential pitfalls of same-birth-order-pairs:

Two First-Borns (or onlies) First borns tend to be perfectionistic so when they start spotting flaws across the breakfast table, watch out! Dr. Leman says these spouses need to focus on giving each other some grace. Nobody's perfect so if they can enjoy each other even if the living room isn't entirely clean or the checkbook is 10 cents from balanced, they'll enjoy life more.

Two Middle-Borns Middle children are peace-keepers and tend toward independent behavior when things get sticky at home. According to Dr. Leman, if my husband and I aren't careful, we could end up avoiding each other in order to avoid conflict. Leman suggests that we be intentional about going to each other when we see a problem.

Two Last-Borns This one is interesting. While Dr. Leman doesn't point our strictly relational pitfalls, he does say that this pair is the most likely to end up in debt. Since youngests are often fun-loving types, working out a budget and sticking to it usually is low on the priority list. He suggests doing it anyway to avoid putting strain on the marriage with debt.

So what's the ideal pair? A youngest and an oldest who each had siblings of the opposite gender might have an easier road according to Dr. Leman. (But then he was the youngest and his wife the oldest, so maybe he's just happily married?)

RESOURCES

The Birth Order Book

Earned Freedoms

Have you ever been tempted to give your baby a pen to play with just because it's close at hand? Or how about the remote? Isn't it cute to see it in his little pudgy hands? Perhaps we parents of young children should rethink giving privileges our little ones aren't ready for yet.

I love how Babywise II presents this concept. They call it "parenting in the funnel." The idea is that as a child grows, the "funnel" of freedoms he has earned should grow as well. As an example, independent playtime begins in the playpen, and then moves to his room when the child has gained the maturity to handle that freedom.

Another place to practice this concept (one we're working on right now with our 6 month old), is the highchair. Rather than giving him the spoon or letting him help get those pureed foods in his mouth with his hands, we tell him to put his hands on the sides of the tray. He hasn't earned utensils yet. That's OK. He's not bad or anything. He's just learning -- and mastering the mouth part of eating is enough of a skill for now.

There is a philosophy of child-rearing that suggests letting your children lead at every turn. Allowing them to wander the house looking for amusement might sound like you'd be giving them opportunities to develop, but they're likely to run into trouble with too many freedoms. God gave parents authority because children aren't ready to handle it yet. Let's let them thrive in this great big world by helping them explore it as they become ready.

RESOURCES

Babywise II

Who Comes First?

You love your husband and you love your baby, but which is the higher priority? It seems that a lot of women, upon becomming mothers, lose track of the "wife" role. Many would even say kids should be more important than the husband. My advice is to avoid that mindset.

You had a husband before you had children, and someday when those kids leave the nest, it will be you and him again. He is your partner for life. Loving and caring for him ought to be a higher priority than loving and caring for your kids. How does it benefit you and your husband?

(1) You will feel loved and treasured just for who you are, rather than for all the needs you meet. Kids need a lot. The love they give is different, and more immature than the love husbands give.

(2) Your kids won't be able to manipulate you. Have you ever heard a toddler or teenager yell to Mom or Dad "I hate you!"? If that relationship is your deepest satisfaction in life, that statement will have more power than it should.

(2) When the kids are grown and gone, your life's significance won't leave with them. What a wonderful thing it is to make life sweet for your husband and to have more than 18 years to do it!

Now that isn't to say that loving the kiddos isn't pretty important too! They're actually best served when Mom and Dad's love for each other comes first, though. Here are some ways kids benefit from being Mom and Dad's second priority:

(1) They'll have a Mommy and Daddy who stay together. When Mom puts the kids ahead of Dad and Dad looks elsewhere for the attention he needs, divorce isn't far behind.

(2) They'll have a good model for their own marriages. It will be a joy to watch them form and live in healthy families of their own.

(3) They'll have freedom to leave the nest without guilt. It's not uncommon for youngest children to have anxiety and guilt when they go to school for the first time because they feel like they're abandoning Mommy. Knowing Daddy is enough for Mommy gives kids the freedom to spread their wings.

Babywise has a good suggestion of how to communicate your top relational priority to your kids. It's called "couch time." They suggest that after greating the kids, Dad and Mom spend 15 minutes or so on the couch catching up about the day without interruptions. It's important to spend this visable time making your relationship a priority when kids are awake and can see. It's good for them to know that Dad and Mom will be available for them after they've had their time to catch up.

RESOURCES

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

Babywise

Tear Translation

The Secret Language of Children is all about how children naturally express their needs and emotions. Of particular interest for parents of babies is the section on 'Babies' 10 Cries.' When the tears seem mysterious and desperate, it's nice to have a list of possible meanings! Here they are:

(1) The Hunger Cry: This is a rhythmic whine that builds in intensity, growing more frantic as Baby's stomach feels emptier. However, consider how long it's been since baby's last feeding. If Baby eats well during a feeding, it should last him a good 2.5 hours at least. Do be mindful of growth spurts, which can cause more frequent hunger.

(2) The Stuffed Cry: Feeding a baby is often a parent's first natural response to crying, so it is possible to feel a baby who is tired or bored instead. This leads to an uncomfortably full tummy. This is of special concern for babies under 2 months who don't regulate their own eating, but suck from reflex. If baby fusses and spits up a lot after meals, this could be the reason. Some spitting up is normal, however. It's the fussing combined with spitting up, that indicates this problem.

(3) The Tired Cry: This cry tends to be arrhythmic, fluctuating in tone and frequency. It often is better described as "fussing" than "crying." Other signs of sleepiness include yawning, poor coordination, rubbing the face, pulling the ears, and sucking on the fingers. Our son makes a "boo" noise when he's tired. Watching for these signs and putting baby down before he gets too tired will make for better sleep.

(4) The Pain Cry: This cry usually begins without warning and has a sharp piercing tone, sending the strong message: "Something is wrong!" Unfortunately for parents, pain cries sound the same whether it's internal or external pain. Check for tight clothing or diaper rash, but remember that it could be an ear infection or stomachache as well.

(5) The Irritated Cry: This indicates overstimulation or extreme tiredness. It usually is a long, hard cry that is unresponsive to calming methods. If you can't calm Baby down, try leaving him alone for a while. After releasing the tension, he may be ready for the bedtime routine. With our 6-month-old son , I found that after a really stimulating day he sometimes needs to release the tension and then will fall asleep. It is hard to know that you can't make the crying stop, but when the world all seems to be too much for Baby, it's best to give him some time alone.

(6) The Sick Cry: This is a weak, whiny cry. If Baby cries like this and looks flushed or has a temperature, consult the doctor.

(7) The Dirty-Diaper Cry: Some babies don't mind a dirty diaper and others cry sharply like they're in pain. Our son never cried about a dirty diaper until we started feeding him solids. It's an easy mystery to decode by just checking the diaper!

(8) The Fear Cry: This is sudden, loud and piercing. It usually stops as suddenly as it began. Some babies are more sensitive to noise, temperature, and sudden movements than others. One thing recommended in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer that works very well for us is to tell our son "I'm going to pick you up now" before swooping him from the ground to standing height. When you think about how small a baby is, that's the equivalent of climbing 4 flights of stairs in seconds. Be mindful that babies are small and new to the world.

(9) The Frustrated Cry: Different babies mind different things. Some don't like to wear a hat and others hate having a shirt pulled over their head. Baby may arch his back or make a grimace along with this cry. Baby is just going to have to deal with some frustration in life. We found the best way when our son is frustrated is to talk him through the experience.

(10) The Bored/Lonely Cry: This might be preceded by fidgeting and little grunts before it breaks into crying. Sometimes a change of scenery or a cheery word is all that's needed. Other times it's valuable to let Baby settle back into playing on his own to teach focus and foster his growing independence. This is where parental discretion comes in.

Whew! Who knew babies who can't talk were so communicative? I think parents interpret a lot of these cries instinctively, but it helps to have a list to work through when the tears are hard to translate.

RESOURCES

The Secret Language of Children

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Calming Chemicals

Do you really need another reason to teach your baby how to self calm... besides the obvious benefit of a baby who doesn't always need your help to calm down? Well in case you do, here's what the research says according to Dr. Lawrence Shapiro in The Secret Language of Children.

When a baby learns to control his emotions within the first years of life, his brain chemicals actually change. The amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, in a baby who has learned to calm himself is better able to control the chemicals associated with anger and stress.

Studies have shown that shy babies often become shy children and then shy adults. Self calming skills can help a baby reduce his fear response around others, however, and can short-circuit the shyness if caught early enough. You can give your shy baby the gift of ease around other people.

So how do you teach self calming? There are many techniques ("Ferberizing", "Cry it Out" etc.) but here's the response Shapiro recommends to infant crying:

(1) Observe baby's crys and make sure everything is OK and baby is not in any harm.

(2) Wait a minute then say a few comforting words softly to baby.

(3) Step into view.

(4) Check his diaper or give him a pat on the back or tummy.

(5) Pick Baby up and hold him for a few minutes before putting him back down.

Shapiro recommends only going as far as needed to help Baby calm down. The more he can do for himself, the better self-soothing skills he will have gained.

RESOURCES

The Secret Language of Children

Ready for "Why?"

"Clean your room."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

Hmm... What did Junior learn there? Did he learn that Mom is to be obeyed, or that Mom makes arbitrary rules? The answer probably depends on how old Junior is. According to Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs, there is a progression to how much of an explanation should accompany discipline.

Infants (below 6 months of age) really can't understand discipline at all. They only know to cry when they're uncomfortable. While I do agree with that, I do think that infants can be trained to lay still while being diapered or to sleep through the night with some thoughtful parenting (more on that in other posts - see Babywise).

Toddlers and preschoolers often ask "Why?" because they want to understand how the world works. For them, obedience is good and disobedience is bad. They don't really need a complex discussion of the virtues of a clean room. "Because I said so" is generally enough of an explanation.

School age children are increasingly able to understand "why" and should be given clear explanations when the situation allows. Be careful to avoid arguing, though. Obedience still ought to be required, but a respectful discussion of "why" can follow after the child has obeyed.

Teenagers require a different kind of "child training." If "Because I said so" is the only answer they get to "Why?", they will simply learn that Mom and Dad don't really have good reasons and don't deserve their respect. Harley suggests that parents ought to have respectful discussions with their teenagers as much as possible. Teens often doubt most everything their parents say, but a parent's respectful consideration of their doubts can go a long way in teen training.

One point of Harley's that I really appreciate regards the kinds of rules we parents make. There can be a temptation to make rules that will simply make our lives as parents easier. Yet we have an opportunity to teach our children thoughtfulness by making rules motivated by kindness and respect of all in the household. Even before the reason behind a rule can be understood, it's a good idea to have a "why." This will teach our kids that decency and politeness are the best way to live and that Mom and Dad have substance behind them to be respected.

RESOURCES

Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs

Do As I Do

Have you ever wished your kids were more considerate of others? When it comes to character training, parental modeling goes a long way.

In Bringing Up Boys, Dr. Dobson points out that the way many parents behave at their kids sporting events makes it hard for the coaches to instill good sportsmanship in their young charges. But shouldn't parents be the ones setting the best models for their kids? For good or ill, parents are the models that will be followed.

Though Mr. Harley focuses on the relationship between husband and wife in his book Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs, he makes a crucial point about parental modeling as well. If parents cannot learn to be thoughtful of one another, their kids won't learn to be thoughtful of others either. We can bless our children with good marital instincts by modeling kindness. We can also set them up to succeed in life, as kind and thoughtful people are generally better liked and more successful than selfish people.

So how does Mr. Harley suggest developing thoughtfulness in our marriages? It's an interesting idea called "The Policy of Joint Agreement." He says that husbands and wives shouldn't do anything unless they both agree enthusiastically about it. Seeking your partner's enthusiastic agreement means kind persuasion and negotiation rather than selfishness and demands. It doesn't come naturally to most of us, but setting a good example can make kindness much more natural to our children. What a gift to give them!

RESOURCES

Bringing Up Boys

Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs

Laboring Together

Ahh, Labor Day... an extra day off work and time to spend as a family. What could be sweeter? For my husband and I, this was an ideal chance to practice something I've been reading about: Recreational Companionship.

Let me explain. In his book Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs, Willard Harley Jr. talks about the 5 top needs that must be fulfilled in any marriage for the "in love" feelings to hang around. One of them is Recreational Companionship (the others are intimate conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment, and family commitment, in case you're wondering). Harley points out that it's important for moms and dads to spend their times of greatest enjoyment in life together. That builds up the love between them. If we divide for our fun (perhaps because the other is watching the kids), we give up love with our spouse in favor of nice feelings towards whomever we're around for that fun.

We got to practice this by painting our porch this weekend. We bought beautiful ice-blue paint and got out our rollers and paint brushes and decided to have a good time. We've been working on that porch for a while so the newness of the project has worn off... but it's nice to see the dramatic results of paint. I made a point to bring out our baby when he was up so we could all be together even when I couldn't actually be painting. My husband made the effort to take breaks so that he was involved in childcare too. It took a little more focus on both our parts, but we managed to make good progress and build good family memories with a little thoughtfulness.

I really like the focus of Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs. Harley is a big proponent of interdependency. He says that a couple should only do something that both partners can enthusiastically agree about. That means discussion of how to spend time and thoughtfulness of the other person rather than justification of our desires and arguing. Sounds like a sweeter way to live to me!

RESOURCES

Mom's Needs, Dad's Needs

Play Time!

Yay for Indian summer! There have been walks in the snazzy new 4-wheel-drive (not really) Jeep stroller, which will come in handy when Daddy wants to stroll me over rough terrain. This happens more than Mommy thinks is appropriate, but now we've got the right wheels for it!Helping Mommy bake is a great way to spend those rainy afternoons.
Daddy has been teaching me how to sit up too. It's very serious business for a baby, you know. I haven't quite got it down yet, but I'm getting there.
Oh, Mom!

The First 5 Minutes

Have you ever decided you didn't like someone after only listening to them for a few minutes? Or decided that a speech would be great after listening to just the opening illustration? Dr. Dobson points out on pg 218 of Bringing Up Boys, the first five minutes of any interaction set the tone. They are vitally important.

That means when you greet your children in the morning, you have an opportunity to start a great day, or a rough one. By being cheerful and talking about all of the wonderful things that will be going on that day, you set your kids up to enjoy life. If you're grumpy in the morning, they're likely to be grumpy all day.

This is true even for babies who don't understand every word you say. Studies have shown that babies with depressed mothers don't smile as often. They can pick up on your mood even if they don't follow all the words. The nice part about the "first 5 minutes" rule with babies is that it starts over more often! After every nap, I have a fresh opportunity for a good morning, afternoon, or evening.

Another place where starting out on the right foot can pay dividends is when my husband comes home from work. I can start out with cheery "How was your day?" and a kiss or with "Woe is me! Things went so poorly for me!" or an evening to-do list. Different husbands probably want different things when they walk in the door, but the key is to make those first 5 minutes positive ones. Of course this can go both ways when it comes to the husband and wife. Husbands can come home with compassion and interest for their wives' day as well.

It takes some effort to make a good day happen, so why not focus that effort where you get the most mileage out of it?

RESOURCES

Bringing Up Boys

Becoming a Man Starts Early!

The first relationship a baby ever has is with his mother. She carries him in the womb and becomes his primary source of food and comfort after birth. She provides much of the nurture and love and gentleness he needs in the early months.

This certainly doesn't mean that Dad's world isn't turned on end by the birth of a child too! He now has another family member to support, and Baby needs his love and care too. Mom could use a shoulder to cry on from time to time as well during those emotional first months.

According to Ralf Greenson quoted in Bringing Up Boys (pg 120), between 18 months and 3 years of age, Dad has a new role to play for his boys. It is in this time period that a little boy notices that Mommy is a girl and Daddy is a boy. He must decide who he will be like.

Femininity is the default. Babies and toddlers live in a world of women. Women are the almost always the primary caregivers. Masculinity, however, involves a choice. A little boy must begin to pull away from Mother and associate with Father during this crucial period.

It's very important that little boys see their Dad as someone to emulate and respect during this period (though surely this is important at many developmental phases). Mom can help her little boy develop his masculine identity by affirming and respecting Dad. Dad can help his son by spending time with him and showing him what a "man's world" is and how it differs from the "women's world" he lives in with Mom.

Men often prefer to have something to "do" with a baby, so sometimes structure helps. Here are some ways we incorporate "Daddy Time" into our 6-month-old's life:

1. When we brought our son home from the hospital, his Dad took great pride in changing all the diapers when he was home. There are times with that's not feasible with the projects around the home we have going now, but it's something he enjoys helping with when he can. That's even a large part of the reason we use cloth diapers! My husband researched the costs and really encouraged me on that.

2. Another special Daddy time is during Church. My husband enjoys keeping him quiet during the service. It's a special time for him to hold his son for a longer period of time, and it's a great chance for me to give more of my attention to what the pastor is saying.

3. In the evenings, I try to make a point to let my husband play with our son for a while without me in the room. We noticed around 4 months that our son would look at me whenever his Daddy played with him as if to ask, "Is this OK?" It is! I want to send the message loud and clear, so I let them play alone a bit.

There's plenty of childcare to go around, so it's good to share it! I've also found, as the Mommy, that it can be hard to let my husband do things because he often does them differently than I would. I really have to remind myself to not tell him the 'right' way to do things. If I do that, he'd always be asking, and I would miss the break!

RESOURCES

Bringing Up Boys

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Sleep Props

Have you ever met anyone who needs white noise to fall asleep? Maybe you take your best naps riding in the car (hopefully someone else is driving!). What pregnant woman hasn't heard the tip about putting the baby's carseat on the dryer to get him to sleep? All these are sleep props.

A sleep prop is anything a parent or caregiver does to help a baby fall asleep that inhibits his ability to self-soothe. Rocking or nursing a baby to sleep or giving him a car ride are all common sleep props.

The problem with these practices is that when Baby wakes prematurely, he can't re-create that soothing scene on his own. Parents in search of continuous nighttime sleep or good solid naps must have as their goal teaching self-soothing. Thumb or finger sucking is an example of self-soothing. This is something the child does for himself, so if he wakes early or has trouble drifting off, he can help himself.

Other self soothing methods include a blanket or lovey that the child adopts or a pacifier that the child is able to replace on his own.

By all means, continue to sing, rock, read to, and cuddle your baby before bed or nap. Just remember to put him to bed still awake so that he can figure out the drifting off part of sleep on his own.

RESOURCES

Babywise

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer (see for more on pacifiers)

Good Morning!

Does your baby ever wake up "on the wrong side of the bed?" Is crankiness his normal wake-up mood? If so, he may not have gotten enough sleep.

According to Babywise, "between four and six months of age, infants generally develop a wake-up disposition-one that you highly influence." Babies usually sleep in 45 minute cycles of light and deep sleep. There may be a small bit of fussy baby noise coming from the nursery between those cycles. Beware! That little fussy baby noise may not mean the nap is over. If left to his own, Baby will often resettle for another cycle or two of sleep. Don't be too quick to assume a nap is over.

On a 3-hour schedule, naps are normally 1.5-2.5 hours. Once a baby has moved to a 4-hour schedule (generally around 4 or 5 months), naps are anywhere from 1.5 - 3 hours each. If baby has trouble with those naps, here are some possible causes and solutions:

A) Baby could be overtired (evidenced by hard crying before falling asleep and fitful sleep, usually a short nap). The solution here is to put Baby to bed sooner, by 10 or 15 minutes. Try to watch for sleepy cues like yawns, rubbing the face, or poor coordination. When you start seeing those cues, put the baby down.

B) Baby could be undertired (evidenced by playing in the crib for long periods of time before falling asleep). If this is the problem, try keeping Baby up a little bit longer, perhaps 10 more minutes of waketime is all that's needed.

C) Baby could be having trouble with sleep transitions (waking up after 45 minutes). Try letting Junior figure out how to resettle for maybe 10 or 15 minutes before going in to comfort him. If you do go in to help teach him how to get back to sleep, be very calming. Perhaps sing your bedtime song or pat him. Try to send the message that it's still sleepytime.

Troubleshooting naps can be a challenge -- Baby's needs are often a moving target. Be a student of your baby. Learn his sleepy cues and look for that cheerful wake-up disposition.

RESOURCES

Babywise